Another personal note

this is perhaps my most personal and direct post till date. if i had someone i could say all this to this post would not have been here... but...well it is here.

inspite of all that is not going well with me...these last few days i did feel happy...after a long long time. went out with friends...my Rons and Hermiones...CCD, movie, KFC...adda session about random things...even pointless things!! but i guess, a point comes when you just get back to your problems...and then the grief overwhelms you...and...in short...you are dead.

i wish i had one emotional escape...anything...anyone.

and a recent realisation...i dont believe in a lot of things any more. you know, u keep expecting...u keep hoping...and then you realise that you were a fool to have been waiting for something to happen that can never really be a reality. and then you give up hope...you give up your expectations...you even give up your feelings...you give up on the people you love. its not that you stop loving them...its just that you stop hoping that they will love you back. maybe you are no longer worthy of their love. its a pathetic feeling...but you have to accept this as well.

am not complaining...i know, my problems are the not the only ones in this world...neither are they the worst problems...no they are not. but...they are quite big to me...they trouble me...make me sleepless...they make me insecure... and i feel so damn crappy lonely...stuck with them alone in a cold room...

its true...when you are happy...the whole world celebrates with you...but when you are down...no one comes to stand beside you. no one at all.

its weird...my world is shrinking...getting smaller and smaller with each passing day. and at this rate...a day will come when my world will cease to have anyone else in it except my parents and myself. its true...your parents are the only people in this world who love you unconditionally...and you never become unworthy of their love ever.

sometimes you just need to get these emotions out of your system. staying alone makes you feel even worse...and am lucky i have a blog to express myself whenever i wish to.

so much has changed in my life in these few months...since last winter... my whole life has changed. i saw happy days...i experienced bliss... and then everything started fading away...and now am left with almost nothing...nothing...

there was a time when i could say all that i had in my mind to my dearest people... and now...i pick up my phone...type out a message...wait for two minutes...then delete it and keep my phone aside.

i dunno...i've lost faith in so many things and feelings...

Dhobi Ghaat: My take on it.

firstly, this is the first movie review that am writing.

secondly, this happens to be the most discussed and debated movie of 2011 till date. varied opinions...contradicting views and reason of innumerable arguments!!

lets just get to the point.

i will not be discussing the technicalities of the movie. i do not think i should comment on aspects that i am not very proficient in. i shall focus on the style of story telling, performances, background score and other such aspects only.

when i sat down to watch the movie...i decided that i would do so unbiased.

the opening was not captivating enough. the movie carried on...into some unknown territory. my attention was else where. and then it happened...all of a sudden. i was captivated.

not just captivated... i lost myself into the splendid web that Rao has weaved around Arun and Yasmin. for me this part of the movie stood out above the rest. Shai and the Dhobi somehow didnt have that kind of an effect on me. i was lost in that one beautiful story. the story of a simple girl who's come far away from home to be with her husband. she is a naive devoted wife...oblivious to the treachery that Fate has in store for her. Arun is a mystery. his art is his expression...his only emotional outlet.

Arun's story is recounted by those who knew him...failed marriage and a son. we are never really taken down his memory lane. we never get to know his thoughts. Arun is a flowing river...he flows with the tide of time...with life. ever searching for that one thing that doesnt seem to comes to him...peace. Peace is his sea. his ultimate destination.

yasmin told her own story. bit by bit...word by word...slowly taking us into her world, her life. she makes us a part of her existence. and gradually she became a part of Arun...his muse.

the silent lady next door...she is Time. a dumb witness.

the performances were brilliant. Aamir's eyes did all the work here, at times aided by his bodily gestures. kriti was you...she was me...a simple girl with the simplest of dreams. and opposite aamir she did manage to hold up her own.

this part of the movie was pure poetry. the background score complimented the visuals brilliantly. at times the music seemed to be playing a part in the movie...like the city. the timelessness of the city...the same city through different eyes. the window is the same...but the audience has changed.

Shai and Munna did not really have this huge an impact on me. it was stale compared to the beauty of the Yasmin-Arun plot. the same poverty...the same NRI...the same struggle...we've seen all that before.
if you consider the unconventional love story between the Dhobi and the NRI girl...lemme give you my take on it.
there was no real "love story" between the two. Munna was attracted to Shai...and Shai is attracted to Arun! Shai likes Munna..as an interesting subject..gradually he becomes more of a friend that a subject of observation...he becomes a friend to Shai. Shai respects Munna as a person and does not judge him by his profession. Munna is a bit insecure about his profession...especially the night job that he had...it was his dark secret. Munna is taken with Shai... very much taken with her. and Shai is busy pursuing Arun...oblivious to Munna's feelings. this part of the story carries on at its own pace... till Shai finally understands Munna's feelings for her...and a silent tear drop falls.

performance wise...yes, both were good. very good. but for me this part somehow lacked the "punch".

the beauty of the Yasmin-Arun plot had me spell-bound.

the movie as a whole is not a master piece...at least for me...but in parts it definitely is.

a thought...a fear...and a wish

something strange has happened to me...something that i had not anticipated... n it happened rendering me expressionless...like never before. I dont know if my words are eloquent enough...i just wish to put this feeling aside and move on with life. am just, how do you say it...oh yes...spitting it out.

i had felt this way just once before in my life... at the school fest when i was barely 5yrs old. i had been holding onto my mother's hand...and suddenly she wasn't there. the fear...the panic...the emotions that had flooded my mind at that moment... the wish to scream out...call out to my mother... the urgent wish to be found... the desperation to hold my mom's hand again... to find my way back to safety... to find my way back into the world that promised solace... 

i've been feeling the same way lately. 

the irony is that am at home. my mom is here, with me...near me...ready to take me into her arms... then why...

why am i feeling this way? where is my world of solace...where?

i am not sure why am suddenly feeling this way. its strange...its weird...infact its very very unlike me to be so overwhelmed with emotions. very rarely do these things called emotions hijack my mind and heart this way...very rarely. and yet...now, its all there...overwhelming me...my entire thought process...over-ruling all logic and reason...

i wish i could comfort myself...give myself the peace that my heart is longing for...but... i have tried, and failed. i wish to find my world of peace...my world of solace. i need it just the way i need to breath to live... i need it to survive... i need to find it...to save myself. 

                                  -------------------------------------

maybe i feel this way for you. maybe it is you who am longing for. in my own strange way...maybe i perceive u as more of a parent to me than a friend. or perhaps, its just my strong desire to have you by my side...just that. there is no need to have any words between us... in any case i am not eloquent enough these days. and there is no need for you to talk. just be there...by my side. lets just walk together...side by side.

i wish to be a part, a happy part of your world... in silence shall i be if you would just let me in.

i may not have been the way you had wanted me to be...and you may want to leave. i pray, stay. 
if this was how it was going to be...why had you come at all? say? 

now that you are here, like a true friend, respect me...accept me with my faults.

i may not be perfect but i still am the same person you had know. 
the smiles the joys that we had shared were neither yours nor mine alone. 

01.01.11

another year comes to an end. the last sun of 2010 has set and the world now awaits the first sunrise of 2011...!!
and what an year it had been...2010. good or bad...its a part of my life now. innumerable memories...countless moments...invaluable experiences! 2010 was not easy... but then again, its over now. its a new year... and the date today is...
01.01.11
the first day of the first month of the year in which i will become a Graduate...
the first day of the first month of the year in which i will be appearing for my first campus drive...
the first day of the first month of the year which will define me in newer terms...
newer goals will be set... newer dimensions will be associated with my life...
shall be stepping out into a world...newer than than the world that i have lived in and newer than the world i am living in now. A fresh start...

2007 saw the end of Part 1 of my life...and the beginning of Part 2. it was in 2007 that i, for the first time, stepped out into the real world...away from my shield...away from my home. it was a new beginning. a new story...  and this new year too shall open a brand new chapter...Part 3 is about to begin.
2011 will see me as a graduate...hopefully with the assurance of a job... newer dreams...newer avenues...
newer roads to travel...
another adventure.... and am looking forward to it...eagerly!

Happy New Year 2011!!!

PS: if u havent yet got a new calender for the year...get hold of an old one! the one u used in 2005 should work just fine. just check out the days marked as holidays this year...Google is sure help u out!!

cheers!!