Yet another Page from my Diary

"...So much has changed. So much I have lost...so few things remain. 

A life that I had known has now become a stranger to me. I feel like a stranger to myself. 

I feel like expressing myself but I am too scared to let my truth be known. Yes I fear that I will be reprimanded. I shall be rebuked for my changed ways. I shall no longer to accepted for who I am. I am a mutated version of my old self. My value system has changed. I have struggled enough with my mind and heart and have finally brought them together. Though I may be in agreement with my thoughts and actions now...I fear that the people I once knew...the world that I used to belong to will not feel the same way about me and my values. I feel alienated. I feel like everything that was mine...all the people I knew...every bit of my that I had been familiar with for the last 23years...I have left everything behind. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel like a stranger inside my own mind.  

Everything is so new that I fear to even search for similarities.

The cold wind reminds me of nothing... the sunshine doesn't bring back any memories to me... the rain does not remind me of long forgotten songs. I don't crave for anything...for I have nothing to crave for...everything is lost.

I can go back to the same old places...visit the same old landmarks....but I shall never find myself anywhere. I died.

My mind relentlessly tries to find justifications for all that I have changed and all that I have lost because of these changes in me. 

It was voluntary I suppose. I wanted the pain to stop...perhaps that itself killed the person that I used to be...and created this new me. 

I had acknowledged my pain...lived in it...with it... taken it to all places with me... It had broken me down... I was a pile of bones...with a tiny bit of life left in me... perhaps my Painkillers killed that pain...and with the pain...I lost the little life that was left in me. And that, I think, was the end.
The feeling of not knowing who one is...where one's roots are...who one belongs to... perhaps this is how the wandering souls feel...

I wonder... I wander... ..."

The Smoke and the Hills

The cold wind blew through me...piercing me with its icy spears.... it didn't pain...not the way it used to. I thought ... perhaps its over...perhaps the wounds have finally healed.

I was walking through the rain... the saline drops tasted sweet...
I kept walking through the darkness...

Smoldering remains of a distant dream...the smoke, a mere puff of life...
i waited...still...

and then one morning the sun suddenly shone bright...the brilliance of its light almost blinded my eyes...
the overpowering...over whelming light broke through the darkness...the smoke dispersed...
the wind spoke in my ears...the greens smiled at me...and the birds sang lyrical poetry...
i could feel life rushing through my veins...i could feel my heartbeat once again...
the white cotton clouds floating in the sky.,,gave me wings...and then i felt free...yes, i could really fly...

but the clouds grew stronger...and stronger still... they turned gray...and then black....
they moved ominously across the sky...
the light grew weaker...and weaker still...
the force of life ceased...
the birds chirped...but softly....
the green grew dull against the gray...

the hills in the distance were covered by smokey clouds...the smoldering remains of my long lost dreams...the smoke, a mere puff of life...

Waking up

Waking up was different during different phases of my life!
As a child waking up meant either school, pending homework or exams! i grew up a bit and then waking up took up a whole new meaning...this was when i started waking up to dreams...!!
over the years, mom's shrill and high pitched scream of "wake up....or you'll be late for school" got replaced by a friend or roommate's sleepy "good morning..."...followed by..."mass bunk...and then movie...what say?!"

its been years...perhaps ages...feels like decades actually.... Waking up now means going to work...coding...debugging...more coding....getting frustrated...coding some more....taking mini tea breaks in between...n again coding...
weekends are the worst...you wake up late...have nothing to do...you feel lazy...you feel low...
friendship...fun...companionship...have all changed over the years...
there was a time when friendship meant Life to me! there was a time when  having friends around made me feel warm and happy... there was a time when living together with friends was the best thing that could happen to me!

and then...one morning...when i woke up...i realized...that everything had changed!

changes are a part of life...yes.
life is ever changing...yes.
change is the only constant...yes.

but when change walks hand in hand with indifference....it hurts!

i miss my hostel...i miss my home. i miss them for the simplicity of life that they offered. i miss them because they both served breakfast in the morning...irrespective of whether you wanted to eat or not!

a little bit of care is all that we humans crave for...
a bank account having 10K at month end...and still waking up hungry in an indifferent atmosphere with no provision for breakfast is not a life that anyone really cares for!

but then...in most cases...that is the life we end up living...and that too...indifferently.



Note: All in good humour! :)

The Truth

Integrate the moments you have lived...you will get your Life!

Differentiate Life...the moments of your Life flash before your eyes.

Tell me...What do you see?

expressing had always been my forte...until....i was convinced to believe that its best to remain silent. Silence is no longer golden. Today, Silence is Strength. 

Your fears, your anguish...your tears... if you express yourself...expressions label you W-E-A-K. 

Funnily enough...even your joy should remain confined within you. Your joy is your's...alone. Why bother others with it!

So what do we do... do we become a social recluse?

No.

We socialise selectively, closely adhering to social protocols.

We behave the way we are expected to behave. We say what is wished to be heard. We do what we are supposed to do. We pretend. 

We are forever confined within our self-imposed norms of expectations. We harness our emotional energy to give birth to a social paradigm which enforces the Law of Lifelessness in living entities.

An expressionless existence...punctured in the heart with a silent silver bullet...

We are doomed to be alone...an individual trapped within his/her own self. We are prisoners of our existence...waiting to be set free from the shackles of Life.

A Divine Gift...we have turned into a self-inflicted curse.

and then...

I close my eyes and differentiate my Life....darkness closes in on me.

The Search...

Perhaps its human to search for the Old in the New. New places, new people, new emotions...we always try to look for familiarities. Memories are like set-points in our life's system and we keep adjusting our life's variables to somehow attain this pre-assigned set-point. 
I know not if this is right or wrong....i don't know if our past should be given so much power...so much power that it can influence our present...i confess i do not know. then again, i presume that this influence varies from person to person.


Perhaps when we search for familiarity in the New we do so to adjust ourselves easily and fit into the New. The New often comes accompanied with the Unknown...so maybe our attempt to fit in and be comfortable is aided by searching for something familiar, something known in the unfamiliar surroundings. This search is perhaps primarily for comfort.


The following is a short note that i'd written in December last year....in a somewhat unfamiliar environment whilst missing a similar place far away in time and place.


A new place...strange familiarity...
As if the old had never left...just changed.
Miles away...
Yet the same feeling...
Familiarity knocks on my door.
Winter winds...a cup of stale coffee...
Miles apart yet similar...
As if the old had never ceased to be... Just changed...




A different junction...a new place...
Yet emotions remain the same...
Eyes search for the same faces, the same voices... But none of them remain...
A change...yes... Only of time n place...
Emotions....they still remain the same.


an attempt at translating the above into bengali (first attempt ever)


sob e natun...natun lagche aj sob
tao jeno sob e lage chena...
jeno purono kichui sesh hoyni...
bodleche, kintu chole jayni...
dur theke durante chole geche...
tobu onubhuti gulor rong paltayeni ajo...
chena sriti jeno aj dakche amay.
sei ek e thanda batash...sei ek e purono coffee...
tobu koto dure...onek dure...
jeno purono kichui sesh hoyni...palteche sudhu...


ek natun more...ek natun jayga...
onubhuti...chetona...ajo sei ek e rokhom...
ami khuje cholechi sei purono sob kichu...sei sob chena mukh...
ja chilo chena seta hariye geche aj...
palte geche onek kichu...
jayga palteche...somoy palteche...
tobu paltayeni sei mon....paltayeni sei onubhutir sporsho.

A New Me

Life is about changes...so much so that people often say that "change is the only constant"...

Its that time again...
Its time to change.
Darkness beckons me...
and all Light is in vain.

There may be no return...I shall not sway.
I choose to take this path.
The other road, i have travelled much
but have never found a way.

I shall be that part of me...
That which lies somewhere deep.
I'll let my heart unleash its wrath.
yes, I shall take the Dark Path.

Knowing me

Don't look at me. Look into my eyes. I am not who you think I am. 

I appear to be the way you want me to be...but take a look inside...I am not who I appear as.

In the glow of the Reflection...

A Self is lost.

Under the cover of existence...

Life struggles to live.

And,

In the chaos of Life...

Identity dies a premature death.

Take a look at the person in the mirror...

Is it you? 

Is it the same person who talks to you when you are alone? Is this the person that you invariably entrust with all your secrets? Is this the person who knows your dreams...even sees them with you? 

Or is it the person that the World sees in you...

I ask you...again...is it you?

A sky...as dark as darkness could have made it...

A moon...as bright as light could have made it...

Its a still night...

And a silent shadow hovers near me...

The Shadow of the me that i was...

The Shadow of the me that i wanted to be...

A Shadow is all that remains...

It is all that was ever true...

It is all that could have been true...

I move ...the Shadow follows...

A constant reminder of life's probable possibilities...

The only thing that remains...and is mine...

n will forever be so...

Is my shadow

My shadow is how I see myself...without a mirror...through my own eyes.

The mirror reflection is the me you see...

my shadow is my Truth

...and it follows me.

Let there be Light!

Deepawali...a festival of Light...of colours...of burning away the Darkness....

Diwali is about rediscovering Life within one's own self. It is the festival of a personal Enlightenment. It is a celebration of victory...the victory of reconciliation with one's own self. 

This Diwali....give your Life a single minute...

Your Life deserves meaning... 

go ahead... smile an extra smile...make someone happy...

go an extra mile...give your Life a chance to breath... It is your Life...live it.

Brightness beckons you... midst the Darkness... embrace the warmth of Life...let it glow...

Make mistakes...make wrong choices....learn the right way... give yourself a chance to be imperfect... Life will become so much more perfect. 

Cry till your eyes ache...n feel the happiness gush through your veins. Nothing is as important as happiness.....let it fill your Life...let it fill you. Its in your heart...let it flow.

Celebrate Life....its a Festival.... it has chaos and mayhem...it has music n rhymes... it has mirth n joy...

brace the darkness only to dispense it with your Inner Light. Yes...the Light is within you...feel it....find it...share it. Let the world glow in your Light.

HAPPY DIWALI!! :)

A Post on Potter

DISCLAIMERS:

1. Those who think that Harry Potter is for kids, do not read beyond this disclaimer. By the way, all you "sensible and mature" grown ups out there, my 51 yrs old Dad is a huge Harry Potter fan.
2. Yes...I too am a Harry Potter fan...so keep that in mind while reading and commenting.

Lets proceed.

Believe it or deny it...Harry Potter is a phenomenon. A world wide literary, and to a certain extent cinematic, phenomenon. Its something that we...the kids in the late 1990s...have grown up with. There were Harry/Ron/Hermione aspirants in every class, in almost every school! Every second kid wanted to call himself Harry and have two best friends...one, he would pretend, was Ron and the other Hermione. *Sigh* ....such was the craze!

Then suddenly one day the Harry-Ron-Hermione trio of our imagination got faces. Daniel, Rupert and Emma stepped into our life! If the books were best-sellers...the movies were blockbusters.

Ah! Those were the days when we kids used to pre-order HP books and wait in long queues outside bookstores since midnight and follow the countdown ardently to the book's release....there was this craze...everyone wanted to be the first to own the latest Harry Potter book!! 

I remember fully well...it was 22nd June...a rainy water-logged Saturday, when Order of the Phoenix released. it was around 8:30pm when i got my copy in hand....and i was jumping up and down with joy. that night i called up every single person i knew to tell them that i had a first edition HP&OP...that too on the very first day! *Sigh*...childhood was so much fun!

And the movies....ah! i remember booking tickets 10 days in advance...Rs.250 at Imax....!!! Harry Potter wallpapers....fan fiction sites...internet merchandise...Daniel/Rupert/Emma searches on Google.... mugglenet.com .....even the official JKRowling website and the Warner Bros HP site.... i kind of meddled with everything HP!! And it was pure fun!

July 21st 2007...the last HP book, Deathly Hallows, was released. That day was a date each HP fan remembers as the day after which they'll never queue up outside bookstores to get their hands on the freshly released HP book... the emotions attached were simple overwhelming. no more theories...no more speculation...no more queues for a HP book...ever again. While reading the Epilogue...many had tears in their eyes....

Ahha...18th November 2010....the first installment of the final movie. suspense...thrill...emotions....at their height...

15th July 2011...the day the final installment of the final movie is scheduled to release. The day the HP saga....finally....finally...ends.

The end of the book series left the readers and fans with the consolation that the movies were still there. there would still be queues outside the ticket counters...one could still speculate over the scenes kept in movie and the parts left out...one could still anticipate much... But on 15th July 2011...it all ends...forever. 

Unless of course someone remakes the series!!

So many fantasies this one Fantasy managed to create. One must give credit to Rowling for making us put our thinking caps on and devise theories and keep speculating over whats going to happen next. Rowling inspired kids to dream...she inspired many to write. No matter how improbable our ideas and imagination maybe...there is no harm in putting them in words and presenting them to an audience!

One may question....how on earth does this book have such a huge fan following??

It was because these books connected with the audience...big and small. Kids and adults alike. Kids connect with the fantasy and imagine their own school houses to be those of Hogwarts. Red House easily becomes Griffindor!! A kid can relate to the characters in an unique way. a kid may name the mean sinister teacher, Snape...the purely irritating and law-enforcing teacher becomes Umbridge...while the kind, motherly yet strict disciplinarian teacher becomes McGonagall.

An adult connects to it in a different way...one may simply appreciate the text or the plot. One may even recall his or her leaving-for-college scene while reading about the departure of Hogwarts Express at Platform 9 3/4 at the beginning of each academic year.

Simply put, Rowling has blended fantasy with reality. Much is real in her Fantasy World. The emotions, the conflicts (both inward and outward)...the characters...they are universal...and REAL. Beneath those layers of make-up lies a simple world which is as real as the fact that u are reading this post now.

This was an era...a beautiful one... it made writers out of simple school going kids....it inspired young minds to imagine and dream... it made sure that Good finally did triumph over Evil.

Much has been said and much will be said...by many.... i take it upon myself to oblige you and end this post here.

P.S: i kinda owed Rowling and Potter at least one post!! btw, am really looking forward to the last movie...n yeah...i agree, am getting a bit sentimental about it. never mind....guess all good things have to come to an end. *sigh*

for the ultimate potter maniacs:
http://www.jkrowling.com/
http://www.mugglenet.com/
http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/
http://www.pottermore.com/

A Simple Post...some moments n memories

All right...Graduation is over...ok...sort of over...at least the study part is over.
Exams ended on 26th May...so technically that was the last day of undergraduate college life for me...er...ok...for us.
Packed my bags...with Nilu's help (lots n lots of it!!) and returned home on 29th. the Durgapur phase of my life is over. To be honest, i miss hostel more than i miss college. Every morning when i wake up i miss Puja. She used to wake me up each morning and drag me down to the mess for breakfast...i miss wishing Soumee "Good morning" in the bathroom while brushing my teeth... Ah! Soumee used to take suuuuch a long time to brush her's!!
i miss standing by Nilakshi's bed and tickling her to wake her up...
i miss Apurba's dining hall conversations and animated storytelling (cant disclose the stories she used to tell us...ssshhhh)...miss Sayari's "Indi Pindi" song...miss Madhu and her dramatics...miss Preety...miss Hema.... i miss my roommate, Prantika...am so used to having her around me all the time. Am so used to sharing not just my room, but my life...my world...with her. Miss having Amita around...she's the sweetest girl i've ever known. More than the campus...i miss the people there...
i miss the classroom masti n pagalpanti with my classmates...i miss the long long chats with Praveen in the college cafeteria...i miss the Hudco zone, the puchka walas, the roll walas...i miss Ram Mandir...i miss the spcl chai with ilaichi at Bidhannagar market...i miss the bread chop, thanks to Mishra i got to taste it.
The last day at Durgapur was perhaps by far one of my best-est days there...DJ, Kuntal, Puja, Nilakshi and me...the night sky spread above us...the sand beneath us...me singing Rabindrasangeet  ..."Emni korei jaye jodi din jakna..." and the breeze blowing softly around us...Barrage had never been more beautiful...am sure. .....emni korei jaye jodi din...sotti....jakna...
I still remember my first day in Durgapur...had gone there for the AIEEE counselling... and then, before i could even feel time flying by me, it was my last day there...29th...the day my big family, my happy family broke apart...each member moving on in his or her life...leaving the place which was our home for the last four years. but just like a true family...we've silently promised each other a life-long committed...no matter how far away we are...we are connected and shall forever be so...not by blood but by heart.
Have left many things behind...including some memories and some emotions...left them there forever.

Its a bright new morning...a new sunshine...a new beginning. All right, many things don't (often) work out the way we want them to but yes, nevertheless, if they can bring happiness to someone, its worth it. Had got placed in a Delhi based Telecom company...was in two minds but chose to stay in Kolkata...my family needs me here...and with that choice came the decision of doing my MBA from home. Kind of a package deal!

A new Start means a Stop to certain things...it means changes. Am up for it...am up for the challenges...personal, emotional...whatever may they be...am up for it.
These last few months have taught me a lot...the most important one being the importance of happiness.
It's true...you realise the importance of what you had only when you lose it... i learnt how important happiness is only after i lost the very feeling of it. i used to be a happy happy person n now...its been ages since i'd felt it. But we are but mere actors playing our parts...this world is but a stage... Shakespeare had rightly said so. And so...the show must go on... like any actor who puts aside his or her personal loses and diligently performs his or her part...am playing my part...for the show must go on.

well...thats it for today...i'll get back with more updates n articles later!!

Bon Voyage: 1st May 2011

Bon Voyage... 1st May 2011...the day our juniors bid us adieu officially...

some moments from our farewell party!
thank you junies...will miss u all a lot....

these four years were beautiful...friendship...joy...laughter...tears...pagalpanti.... shall miss these days... we are at the very edge now...but we are resolute...shall forever be in touch...*no tears...only smiles*

some penultimate moments...

our last few treats, trips and parties.... of the four beautiful years now only 52 days remain!
lets live them!!  :-)  #college_hostel_life

"yuhi kat jayega safar saath chalne se....k manzil ayegi nazar saath chalne se...."

In Silence

"...sometimes my heart wishes that i could have been there... held ur hand...walked with you through the darkness...dispersing it as we walked towards light, together... but then i wake up...it was all a dream... a sudden rush of cold wind...the first drops of rain... but of this dream much more than just memories will remain... " 


i have a silent prayer...and i still pray...


...a silent tear drop runs down my cheek...every time i remember you. i wake up...in the middle of the night...when memories pierce my heart like arrows from the quiver...piercing my soul. i wake up silently shrieking in pain.
you were here...with me...moments ago. and now you are gone. am standing still. shards of my broken heart scattered all around.


i start walking again...silently...for no ears love my pain. silent...i keep walking.
i cross the narrow forest path...the hills and the lanes. the highways come and go. 
at every new step, a new smile greets me.. every few steps, love and care awaits me. i smile for those who wait for me at every step... their hands on my shoulder...the concern in their eyes.. i will live for them, for they give me life.
i feel free...there is nothing left to lose. its just me now...nothing left to save...nothing new to dream of... nothing new left to say. i live as life moves on. a new adventure...a brand new quest to complete...my life makes me live!


and you...
i just have this much to say...as long as i keep walking...remember, somewhere there is this someone who silently prays for you. to this someone only your happiness matters...nothing else. when you are in pain...it hurts her even more. for the sake of those numerous happy memories shared...please be happy.... and i promise...i shall forever pray for you...till the setting sun takes me away.

The Moon is Beautiful Tonight!

also read ..."A page from my diary"  (this is the post that i have referred to in this post)


the moon is beautiful tonight! it has probably never been prettier. the cool breeze blowing is taking me back to that evening on the small terrace in my old hostel...sometime in 2009, in November. me sitting with my Diary...alone. the cool breeze making me shiver...
the Diary no longer exists...nor do the feelings. it would be unfair to say that the feelings have all ceased to exist...its just that they have changed. my life has changed...in several ways.
yet, some things always remain unchanged. i had been relishing solitude that night...and these last two evenings i have been doing the same.
the moon is beautiful tonight...prettier than it ever was.
the cool breeze is still blowing through my hair...am shivering. its not the cold...its something else. a different emotion altogether...somewhat alien yet not completely unknown.
tonight, am rewriting the story of my life.
some emotions are not meant for me...and some are completely outside my personal emotional boundary. for me, life remains practical as long as i remain emotionally detached from the intricateness of the human mind. but...there was this one time that i had become emotional...n i had almost lost the most valuable thing that i'd ever possessed...my peace of mind.
Am not Saintly...but its true that i can never be possessive...am not familiar with envy either. the only thing that matters to me is uncomplicated love... where, we know that there is someone we can forever fall back on...where, we know that if our steps falter, someone will catch us before we fall. someone we can trust...someone who will hold our hand when even tears fail to relieve us from intense pain.
i have this love. the touch of a dear friend...the concern of a brother...the caring and loving hand on my head... the entire feeling of being loved...it feels beautiful! as beautiful as the moon tonight.
i love this emotion that connects two souls together.
Love is about being together...may not be in person but being there always...mentally. Love is that touch that assures you that you are not alone. be it a friend...be it a sister...be it a brother... be it your parents...or be it your Mentor. Love is a feeling to cherish...its the foundation of every human relationship. if there is no love...there can never be friendship. Love is that respect that one has for the other...love is the worry and anxiety that one feels for the other...love is that feeling of protectiveness that shields those being loved. Love is a blessing...infact it is a dual blessing, it blesses the one that loves and also the one who is being loved.


there is pain...even in love. the pain of watching our loved ones suffer...love pains when the ones you love are in pain. Love also pains when it remains unappreciated and unrequited. Love pains when silence kills it slowly. Love pains when the poison of indifference gnaws the hearts that love. Love pains when it is killed for selfish reasons...and Ego buries it. Love pains when one-sided compromises and adjustments become mere sacrifices that hold no meaning in the eyes of the one being loved. Love pains when neglected.
Having felt the pain...having been through the indifference...having lived through compromises... i believe, Love is true only when the feeling lives on even after the person has left. the object of love may not remain the same...but the believe in Love still remains.
i still believe in Love... for i still believe in the Angels and the Fairies that visit me in my dreams!
Love pains...but it also loves. and because it loves it gives us the strength to live. it gives us hope...and dreams. Love in any form is beautiful...just like the cool breeze blowing outside... just like the beauty of the moon, radiant in the light of Love!

"Sakhi, bhabona kahare bole? Sakhi, jatona kahare bole?

Tomra je bolo dibosho-rajoni 'bhalobasha, bhalobasha'...

Sakhi, bhalobasha kare koye?! Sakhi keboli jatonamoy.

Sheki keboli chokher jal? Sheki keboli dukher swaas?

Loke tobe kore ki sukheri tore, emon dukhero aash.

Aamar chokhe to shokoli sobhon,

Shokoli nobeen, shokoli bimol, shunil akash, shyamolo kanon,

Bishod jyochhona, kusumo komol - shokol amari moton tara. 

Keboli hanshe, keboli gaye, hanshiya, kheliya morite chaye -

Najane bedon, najane radon, najane shader jatona joto.

Phul se haanshitey haanshitey jhore, jyochhona hanshiya milaye jaay,

Hanshite hanshite alokshagore akasher taara teyage kaaye.

Aamar moton sukhi ke aache. Aaye sakhi aaye, aamar kaache -

Sukhi hridoyer sukher gaan suniya toder jurabe pran.

Protidin jodi kandibi kebol ek din noye haanshibi tora -

Ek din noye bishado bhuliya shokole miliya gahibo mora.

Bhabona kahare bole. Sakhi, jatona kahare bole.

Tomra je bolo dibosho-rajoni 'bhalobasha, bhalobasha' -

Sakhi, bhalobasha kare koye! Sakhi keboli jatonamoy..."

~~Rabindranath Tagore

3rd Feb 2011...my 22nd B'day!

This was one of my best birthdays ever...honestly!!

the midnight party at hostel...will miss it next year...and in the years to come. this was my last birthday in college.

Blowing out all 22 candles that were placed in the corridor was fun...i had to literally crawl on the floor to manage this feat...from the room where i had been locked in, while the others were busy with the decorations, to my room where the party was to be held! the party with my friends at City Centre (dgp) was awesome...the treat was @KFC...had always wanted to celebrate my bday there...n this time my wish came true! all in all it was a fantastic day!

met Praveen_bhai...and that as usual made me extra happy!! missed a few old friends...Sushmi, specially!! also missed those who couldnt make it to Durgapur on my B'day.

this year too i had two cakes...one was made out of chips n puchka walla alu stuffing and the other was a normal cake! on 4th was my Jonmodin (my birthday as per the Bengali calendar)...got a gajar ka halwa treat that day and another surprise gift from a dear friend!

i just loved the Mug gifted by my bro, Mishra...it was signed by almost all my friends! and Soumee gave me my-long-desired KFC balloon (hadnt managed to get one for myself...so she got it for me!)... :-P :-P
thanks to Nilakshi for the surprise and for the Broasters sauce and paper napkin (!!)...thanks to Puja for her love and care! thanks to prantika for the cute surprise...and Subhomoy for Castle and the Candle!! a big thank you to Apu and Ri for coming all the way from Kolkata to be with me on my B'day and for being the official photographers!! thanks to Abhijit Bannerjee for remembering my birthday! and a big "Thank You" to all my friends...preety, hema...and all of my friends for their wishes and love! thank you so much for making me feel so special!

and this year, for the first time in my life, exam results were announced on my Birthday! 7th semester results!! and i have done reasonably well...am the 3rd highest score holder of my dept. :-P

here are a few snapshots of my Birthday celebrations...

the Birthday Girl with the mug "autographed" by her friends...special thanks to Avisek Mishra

party time @KFC

the midnight party @hostel...bubbles...friends...cakes n candles!

the puchka cake!!

my B'day cake, cards and gifts!

Another personal note

this is perhaps my most personal and direct post till date. if i had someone i could say all this to this post would not have been here... but...well it is here.

inspite of all that is not going well with me...these last few days i did feel happy...after a long long time. went out with friends...my Rons and Hermiones...CCD, movie, KFC...adda session about random things...even pointless things!! but i guess, a point comes when you just get back to your problems...and then the grief overwhelms you...and...in short...you are dead.

i wish i had one emotional escape...anything...anyone.

and a recent realisation...i dont believe in a lot of things any more. you know, u keep expecting...u keep hoping...and then you realise that you were a fool to have been waiting for something to happen that can never really be a reality. and then you give up hope...you give up your expectations...you even give up your feelings...you give up on the people you love. its not that you stop loving them...its just that you stop hoping that they will love you back. maybe you are no longer worthy of their love. its a pathetic feeling...but you have to accept this as well.

am not complaining...i know, my problems are the not the only ones in this world...neither are they the worst problems...no they are not. but...they are quite big to me...they trouble me...make me sleepless...they make me insecure... and i feel so damn crappy lonely...stuck with them alone in a cold room...

its true...when you are happy...the whole world celebrates with you...but when you are down...no one comes to stand beside you. no one at all.

its weird...my world is shrinking...getting smaller and smaller with each passing day. and at this rate...a day will come when my world will cease to have anyone else in it except my parents and myself. its true...your parents are the only people in this world who love you unconditionally...and you never become unworthy of their love ever.

sometimes you just need to get these emotions out of your system. staying alone makes you feel even worse...and am lucky i have a blog to express myself whenever i wish to.

so much has changed in my life in these few months...since last winter... my whole life has changed. i saw happy days...i experienced bliss... and then everything started fading away...and now am left with almost nothing...nothing...

there was a time when i could say all that i had in my mind to my dearest people... and now...i pick up my phone...type out a message...wait for two minutes...then delete it and keep my phone aside.

i dunno...i've lost faith in so many things and feelings...

a thought...a fear...and a wish

something strange has happened to me...something that i had not anticipated... n it happened rendering me expressionless...like never before. I dont know if my words are eloquent enough...i just wish to put this feeling aside and move on with life. am just, how do you say it...oh yes...spitting it out.

i had felt this way just once before in my life... at the school fest when i was barely 5yrs old. i had been holding onto my mother's hand...and suddenly she wasn't there. the fear...the panic...the emotions that had flooded my mind at that moment... the wish to scream out...call out to my mother... the urgent wish to be found... the desperation to hold my mom's hand again... to find my way back to safety... to find my way back into the world that promised solace... 

i've been feeling the same way lately. 

the irony is that am at home. my mom is here, with me...near me...ready to take me into her arms... then why...

why am i feeling this way? where is my world of solace...where?

i am not sure why am suddenly feeling this way. its strange...its weird...infact its very very unlike me to be so overwhelmed with emotions. very rarely do these things called emotions hijack my mind and heart this way...very rarely. and yet...now, its all there...overwhelming me...my entire thought process...over-ruling all logic and reason...

i wish i could comfort myself...give myself the peace that my heart is longing for...but... i have tried, and failed. i wish to find my world of peace...my world of solace. i need it just the way i need to breath to live... i need it to survive... i need to find it...to save myself. 

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maybe i feel this way for you. maybe it is you who am longing for. in my own strange way...maybe i perceive u as more of a parent to me than a friend. or perhaps, its just my strong desire to have you by my side...just that. there is no need to have any words between us... in any case i am not eloquent enough these days. and there is no need for you to talk. just be there...by my side. lets just walk together...side by side.

i wish to be a part, a happy part of your world... in silence shall i be if you would just let me in.

i may not have been the way you had wanted me to be...and you may want to leave. i pray, stay. 
if this was how it was going to be...why had you come at all? say? 

now that you are here, like a true friend, respect me...accept me with my faults.

i may not be perfect but i still am the same person you had know. 
the smiles the joys that we had shared were neither yours nor mine alone. 

01.01.11

another year comes to an end. the last sun of 2010 has set and the world now awaits the first sunrise of 2011...!!
and what an year it had been...2010. good or bad...its a part of my life now. innumerable memories...countless moments...invaluable experiences! 2010 was not easy... but then again, its over now. its a new year... and the date today is...
01.01.11
the first day of the first month of the year in which i will become a Graduate...
the first day of the first month of the year in which i will be appearing for my first campus drive...
the first day of the first month of the year which will define me in newer terms...
newer goals will be set... newer dimensions will be associated with my life...
shall be stepping out into a world...newer than than the world that i have lived in and newer than the world i am living in now. A fresh start...

2007 saw the end of Part 1 of my life...and the beginning of Part 2. it was in 2007 that i, for the first time, stepped out into the real world...away from my shield...away from my home. it was a new beginning. a new story...  and this new year too shall open a brand new chapter...Part 3 is about to begin.
2011 will see me as a graduate...hopefully with the assurance of a job... newer dreams...newer avenues...
newer roads to travel...
another adventure.... and am looking forward to it...eagerly!

Happy New Year 2011!!!

PS: if u havent yet got a new calender for the year...get hold of an old one! the one u used in 2005 should work just fine. just check out the days marked as holidays this year...Google is sure help u out!!

cheers!!

A random post

the toughest time of my life...
yes...these are probably the toughest days of my life! so much to cope with....so much to do...so much that is still undone...
uncertainties...options...choices...
the year 2010 was one of the toughest years, till date, that i had to deal with. Criticism came from all sectors. Pressure was at its peak. MBA entrance exams, campusing...projects... and of course personal trials were like that bright red cherry on the cake!
since August, this year, all that i have been doing is hoping against hope...indulging in wishful thinking...and working day in and day out to complete tasks before the deadlines hit me hard. and yet...the deadlines...eventually...did hit me hard.
hardwork...constantly forcing my brain to solve problems...analytically, logically, quantitatively...!!
the entire concept of "next year" is full of uncertainties. next year, this time...where will i be?

i have plans ready. if Plan A fails then Plan B...if that too fails then i shall have to consider Plan C...and so on. alternatives...back up plans... *sigh*
i hope that something works out...i hope by next year i will be settled somewhere with something substantial. i sincerely hope that 2011 will be a better year...not just for me, but for my family too.

balance...changes...practicality...time...peace

and i could keep writing today...hour after hour...all though the day...all through the night.
haven't had a proper stable normal conversation with anyone in ages. not that its anything unusual...its normal for me. am essentially am introvert. very few people know exactly what i am all about. and trust me...most of the people who claim that they know me...are utterly mistaken.
still...there are some who do understand me... n its weird but true that most of them are not the people i had ever been very close to....(ok i confess i haven't really been very close to many)...somehow they understand me more than those with whom i may have spent my entire life (till date of course).
its not that the people who know me dont understand me...quite a few of them do....but most dont. n i dont blame them for it. come on...its hard to know a person fully. human beings are complicated creatures.

i love typing away on the keyboard...without worrying as to who will read this or what they'll think about it. this is my blog....this blog is about me... n i will do exactly what my heart asks me to.
having spent quite a large part of my lifetime in doing what pleases others....and then another small part in doing what my heart desires....am now in a mood to balance the two.
trust me...blogging keeps me strong...mentally of course!!

a long list of complaints....one by me and the other against me. n the world changes. changes....they are required...n these changes should be incorporated happily into our personal world! am ready for changes and i hope to see changes being incorporated elsewhere too. i can see changes elsewhere...n am trying real hard to bring changes in myself as well.

practicality. maybe am a bit too practical. i judge every situation in the light of practicality...n then comes in the adversity...emotions! why on earth can emotions not be practical?
being practical has made me lose enough...maybe i will lose a lot more...
but here too i will keep trying....n am trying hard to balance the two...
just need a little cooperation from the surroundings.

i was told...time is of essence...time will heal all...time will put things right...
am impatient...and am restless... because of the lack of certainty in my life.
i trust time...i know it has healing powers...it has the power to change night into day and day into night... i know time is important everywhere for everyone... but i am still restless...i know not why.

i lack inner peace... i miss the feeling of bliss that once dominated my world...n that "once" was not very long ago.

am hopeful.