To Grow Into SomeOne

Our English teacher at school always said that a good character is one which evolves over the course of the story. The experiences that the character goes through defines and re-defines who he or she is.

When we enter the world stage, we are like blank slates. It is our experience that finally defines who we are. Without our experiences we are poorly constructed characters who add but little value to the play.

Are you a fan of FRIENDS? 

Yes? Then you must have had watched it over a zillion times and it must have brought a smile onto your face every one of those zillion times. 

In this much loved sitcom, all the characters grow... I am not too sure about Joey though. But yes, mostly, they all grow. 

The Rachel we see right at the beginning of the series: A runaway bride. Daddy's darling. Cannot imagine life without her Dad's credit cards. 

And then the Rachel we see in season 10: Independent, confident, career oriented. A single mother. About to move to Paris all by herself.

Look at Monica and Chandler. They grew as individuals and only then did they find love in each other.

That, my dear friends, is evolution of characters.

So, tell me, haaaaaave you seen How I Met Your Mother? *read that in Barney style "Haaaave you met Ted" *

Its another classic example of evolution of characters. Ted, though forever stuck on Robin, eventually finds the Mother of his kids. And, as he himself says, it took him so long because he needed to become the person he finally became to find the right woman...to find the woman.

Its true. 100% true.

We change and we keep changing. We retain some basic characteristics, but overall, we change. For better or worse or whatever...but we change. The more we change the better our play on the stage becomes. And sometimes we do need to grow into the person who we are meant to be so that we can find the person who grew into the person we were meant to be with.

I don't know if the universe works that way...conspiring to make us find our better half. I, honestly, am not a believer in the Universe and its Plans. But yes, practically speaking, we sometimes just grow into each other and that is when love happens.

That is what they mean when they say that there is a right time for everything. the right time comes when you are ready to meet this other person. 

The right time is when you have grown into the person who is in sync with the person who are about to meet. 

The right time is when you will be loved for being the person you are...and for a thousand other reasons that your significant other can list out for you.

Had you met the same person years ago, maybe you would have never clicked. Simply because you were both different then. Maybe he had always liked Beatles and at that time you used to think they were insects. And then you figured who they really are and started loving them just as much! And then...one day...you met.

See what I mean.

If you  pause here a minute and think about it, you would realise how beautiful this is.

In the same way there is right time for everything else. Maybe you couldn't land your dream job earlier but now you do. Not because it was suddenly easy to get through the interview. But, because now you have a little more experience and you are more suited for the job.

So, as you see, life is all about the experiences you gather. The more the merrier.

You will fumble...stumble...make mistakes...soar to the heights of success...make some stupid choices...maybe you would get your eyebrow pierced and then regret it (just saying!)... but then all of that made you the super duper awesome person you finally became. 

Life is about awesomeness...you've got the set your sight high on the awesomeness chart and yeah...someone is waiting for you up there...and that person is just as awesome as you are!

Tangents

** A random creation inspired by something a friend had randomly said on a Saturday afternoon... The poem was then "performed" in front of an audience... It is finally being published on this blog **

They made music and
They kept their lighters in strategic places.
When they spoke, they spoke of smoke.
When they wrote, they could fill pockets of penniless coats.
High octanes and dismal lows.
They met the Sun in bottomless holes.
They smelled of clay.
They would do nothing all day but play.
They sang songs.
Words...
That were tangled in guitars strings.
Chords...
That made tangents across the globe.

They were nobodies stuck in earthly bodies.
Singing earthly songs.
Earthly vows of life bound them to their soul.
They were music.
And it was Music that made them whole.

Yet another Page from my Diary

"...So much has changed. So much I have lost...so few things remain. 

A life that I had known has now become a stranger to me. I feel like a stranger to myself. 

I feel like expressing myself but I am too scared to let my truth be known. Yes I fear that I will be reprimanded. I shall be rebuked for my changed ways. I shall no longer to accepted for who I am. I am a mutated version of my old self. My value system has changed. I have struggled enough with my mind and heart and have finally brought them together. Though I may be in agreement with my thoughts and actions now...I fear that the people I once knew...the world that I used to belong to will not feel the same way about me and my values. I feel alienated. I feel like everything that was mine...all the people I knew...every bit of my that I had been familiar with for the last 23years...I have left everything behind. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel like a stranger inside my own mind.  

Everything is so new that I fear to even search for similarities.

The cold wind reminds me of nothing... the sunshine doesn't bring back any memories to me... the rain does not remind me of long forgotten songs. I don't crave for anything...for I have nothing to crave for...everything is lost.

I can go back to the same old places...visit the same old landmarks....but I shall never find myself anywhere. I died.

My mind relentlessly tries to find justifications for all that I have changed and all that I have lost because of these changes in me. 

It was voluntary I suppose. I wanted the pain to stop...perhaps that itself killed the person that I used to be...and created this new me. 

I had acknowledged my pain...lived in it...with it... taken it to all places with me... It had broken me down... I was a pile of bones...with a tiny bit of life left in me... perhaps my Painkillers killed that pain...and with the pain...I lost the little life that was left in me. And that, I think, was the end.
The feeling of not knowing who one is...where one's roots are...who one belongs to... perhaps this is how the wandering souls feel...

I wonder... I wander... ..."

Waking up

Waking up was different during different phases of my life!
As a child waking up meant either school, pending homework or exams! i grew up a bit and then waking up took up a whole new meaning...this was when i started waking up to dreams...!!
over the years, mom's shrill and high pitched scream of "wake up....or you'll be late for school" got replaced by a friend or roommate's sleepy "good morning..."...followed by..."mass bunk...and then movie...what say?!"

its been years...perhaps ages...feels like decades actually.... Waking up now means going to work...coding...debugging...more coding....getting frustrated...coding some more....taking mini tea breaks in between...n again coding...
weekends are the worst...you wake up late...have nothing to do...you feel lazy...you feel low...
friendship...fun...companionship...have all changed over the years...
there was a time when friendship meant Life to me! there was a time when  having friends around made me feel warm and happy... there was a time when living together with friends was the best thing that could happen to me!

and then...one morning...when i woke up...i realized...that everything had changed!

changes are a part of life...yes.
life is ever changing...yes.
change is the only constant...yes.

but when change walks hand in hand with indifference....it hurts!

i miss my hostel...i miss my home. i miss them for the simplicity of life that they offered. i miss them because they both served breakfast in the morning...irrespective of whether you wanted to eat or not!

a little bit of care is all that we humans crave for...
a bank account having 10K at month end...and still waking up hungry in an indifferent atmosphere with no provision for breakfast is not a life that anyone really cares for!

but then...in most cases...that is the life we end up living...and that too...indifferently.



Note: All in good humour! :)

The Search...

Perhaps its human to search for the Old in the New. New places, new people, new emotions...we always try to look for familiarities. Memories are like set-points in our life's system and we keep adjusting our life's variables to somehow attain this pre-assigned set-point. 
I know not if this is right or wrong....i don't know if our past should be given so much power...so much power that it can influence our present...i confess i do not know. then again, i presume that this influence varies from person to person.


Perhaps when we search for familiarity in the New we do so to adjust ourselves easily and fit into the New. The New often comes accompanied with the Unknown...so maybe our attempt to fit in and be comfortable is aided by searching for something familiar, something known in the unfamiliar surroundings. This search is perhaps primarily for comfort.


The following is a short note that i'd written in December last year....in a somewhat unfamiliar environment whilst missing a similar place far away in time and place.


A new place...strange familiarity...
As if the old had never left...just changed.
Miles away...
Yet the same feeling...
Familiarity knocks on my door.
Winter winds...a cup of stale coffee...
Miles apart yet similar...
As if the old had never ceased to be... Just changed...




A different junction...a new place...
Yet emotions remain the same...
Eyes search for the same faces, the same voices... But none of them remain...
A change...yes... Only of time n place...
Emotions....they still remain the same.


an attempt at translating the above into bengali (first attempt ever)


sob e natun...natun lagche aj sob
tao jeno sob e lage chena...
jeno purono kichui sesh hoyni...
bodleche, kintu chole jayni...
dur theke durante chole geche...
tobu onubhuti gulor rong paltayeni ajo...
chena sriti jeno aj dakche amay.
sei ek e thanda batash...sei ek e purono coffee...
tobu koto dure...onek dure...
jeno purono kichui sesh hoyni...palteche sudhu...


ek natun more...ek natun jayga...
onubhuti...chetona...ajo sei ek e rokhom...
ami khuje cholechi sei purono sob kichu...sei sob chena mukh...
ja chilo chena seta hariye geche aj...
palte geche onek kichu...
jayga palteche...somoy palteche...
tobu paltayeni sei mon....paltayeni sei onubhutir sporsho.

Through the viewfinder

Glimpses of Kolkata through my viewfinder....

After the winter rain on a New Year morning...

P.S. Victoria was a woman, n hence the pink theme :P

A thousand words...innumerable thoughts...and some memories...all rushed through my mind when my eyes captured this frame through my cam's viewfinder....

Sharing with you some moments, stolen from my mind.

I was never fond of flowers....but this, somehow, changed my mind!

A bunch of flowers...love and joy galore...

and a precious smile in return!

Sharing in itself makes one feel good...n happy inside...

and sharing what i see with the world is an even better feeling... :-)

A Simple Post...some moments n memories

All right...Graduation is over...ok...sort of over...at least the study part is over.
Exams ended on 26th May...so technically that was the last day of undergraduate college life for me...er...ok...for us.
Packed my bags...with Nilu's help (lots n lots of it!!) and returned home on 29th. the Durgapur phase of my life is over. To be honest, i miss hostel more than i miss college. Every morning when i wake up i miss Puja. She used to wake me up each morning and drag me down to the mess for breakfast...i miss wishing Soumee "Good morning" in the bathroom while brushing my teeth... Ah! Soumee used to take suuuuch a long time to brush her's!!
i miss standing by Nilakshi's bed and tickling her to wake her up...
i miss Apurba's dining hall conversations and animated storytelling (cant disclose the stories she used to tell us...ssshhhh)...miss Sayari's "Indi Pindi" song...miss Madhu and her dramatics...miss Preety...miss Hema.... i miss my roommate, Prantika...am so used to having her around me all the time. Am so used to sharing not just my room, but my life...my world...with her. Miss having Amita around...she's the sweetest girl i've ever known. More than the campus...i miss the people there...
i miss the classroom masti n pagalpanti with my classmates...i miss the long long chats with Praveen in the college cafeteria...i miss the Hudco zone, the puchka walas, the roll walas...i miss Ram Mandir...i miss the spcl chai with ilaichi at Bidhannagar market...i miss the bread chop, thanks to Mishra i got to taste it.
The last day at Durgapur was perhaps by far one of my best-est days there...DJ, Kuntal, Puja, Nilakshi and me...the night sky spread above us...the sand beneath us...me singing Rabindrasangeet  ..."Emni korei jaye jodi din jakna..." and the breeze blowing softly around us...Barrage had never been more beautiful...am sure. .....emni korei jaye jodi din...sotti....jakna...
I still remember my first day in Durgapur...had gone there for the AIEEE counselling... and then, before i could even feel time flying by me, it was my last day there...29th...the day my big family, my happy family broke apart...each member moving on in his or her life...leaving the place which was our home for the last four years. but just like a true family...we've silently promised each other a life-long committed...no matter how far away we are...we are connected and shall forever be so...not by blood but by heart.
Have left many things behind...including some memories and some emotions...left them there forever.

Its a bright new morning...a new sunshine...a new beginning. All right, many things don't (often) work out the way we want them to but yes, nevertheless, if they can bring happiness to someone, its worth it. Had got placed in a Delhi based Telecom company...was in two minds but chose to stay in Kolkata...my family needs me here...and with that choice came the decision of doing my MBA from home. Kind of a package deal!

A new Start means a Stop to certain things...it means changes. Am up for it...am up for the challenges...personal, emotional...whatever may they be...am up for it.
These last few months have taught me a lot...the most important one being the importance of happiness.
It's true...you realise the importance of what you had only when you lose it... i learnt how important happiness is only after i lost the very feeling of it. i used to be a happy happy person n now...its been ages since i'd felt it. But we are but mere actors playing our parts...this world is but a stage... Shakespeare had rightly said so. And so...the show must go on... like any actor who puts aside his or her personal loses and diligently performs his or her part...am playing my part...for the show must go on.

well...thats it for today...i'll get back with more updates n articles later!!

Bon Voyage: 1st May 2011

Bon Voyage... 1st May 2011...the day our juniors bid us adieu officially...

some moments from our farewell party!
thank you junies...will miss u all a lot....

these four years were beautiful...friendship...joy...laughter...tears...pagalpanti.... shall miss these days... we are at the very edge now...but we are resolute...shall forever be in touch...*no tears...only smiles*

some penultimate moments...

our last few treats, trips and parties.... of the four beautiful years now only 52 days remain!
lets live them!!  :-)  #college_hostel_life

"yuhi kat jayega safar saath chalne se....k manzil ayegi nazar saath chalne se...."

In Silence

"...sometimes my heart wishes that i could have been there... held ur hand...walked with you through the darkness...dispersing it as we walked towards light, together... but then i wake up...it was all a dream... a sudden rush of cold wind...the first drops of rain... but of this dream much more than just memories will remain... " 


i have a silent prayer...and i still pray...


...a silent tear drop runs down my cheek...every time i remember you. i wake up...in the middle of the night...when memories pierce my heart like arrows from the quiver...piercing my soul. i wake up silently shrieking in pain.
you were here...with me...moments ago. and now you are gone. am standing still. shards of my broken heart scattered all around.


i start walking again...silently...for no ears love my pain. silent...i keep walking.
i cross the narrow forest path...the hills and the lanes. the highways come and go. 
at every new step, a new smile greets me.. every few steps, love and care awaits me. i smile for those who wait for me at every step... their hands on my shoulder...the concern in their eyes.. i will live for them, for they give me life.
i feel free...there is nothing left to lose. its just me now...nothing left to save...nothing new to dream of... nothing new left to say. i live as life moves on. a new adventure...a brand new quest to complete...my life makes me live!


and you...
i just have this much to say...as long as i keep walking...remember, somewhere there is this someone who silently prays for you. to this someone only your happiness matters...nothing else. when you are in pain...it hurts her even more. for the sake of those numerous happy memories shared...please be happy.... and i promise...i shall forever pray for you...till the setting sun takes me away.

the Sunset in the Fall...and my Flight with the Fairies.

it was sunset...i was walking
an autumn evening...
into the horizon...alone...
i was walking...
the hand that had held mine was lost...
the maple leaves blew around me...and some lay trodden beneath my feet...
into the golden horizon...i was walking...

barren trees...the Fall is here.
between two rises...the sun was setting.
the golden hue would soon transform itself into Darkness...
i was alone...and i was walking...
silence all around...save the soft whistle of the blowing wind...
and the crisp crunches of the dry leaves on the ground...
towards the horizon i walked...alone...

an emptiness...the silence...innumerable images...
am alone...the hand that was in mine...lost.
the stars shone...the moon lit up the night.
Light descended...silvery...smooth to the touch...
my fingers found a hand...or perhaps there were many...
the Light filled me through...
the sudden brilliance was almost blinding...
the soft touch of assurance was back...more loving...more caring...
my eyes saw through the brilliance...Fairies in the moonlight.
Elegance...and smiles...
they held my hand...and gave me wings.
i was flying with them...
o're mystery lands...over the autumn...over the Fall...
flying...over the horizon...
into the realm of Calm and Peace. 

The Moon is Beautiful Tonight!

also read ..."A page from my diary"  (this is the post that i have referred to in this post)


the moon is beautiful tonight! it has probably never been prettier. the cool breeze blowing is taking me back to that evening on the small terrace in my old hostel...sometime in 2009, in November. me sitting with my Diary...alone. the cool breeze making me shiver...
the Diary no longer exists...nor do the feelings. it would be unfair to say that the feelings have all ceased to exist...its just that they have changed. my life has changed...in several ways.
yet, some things always remain unchanged. i had been relishing solitude that night...and these last two evenings i have been doing the same.
the moon is beautiful tonight...prettier than it ever was.
the cool breeze is still blowing through my hair...am shivering. its not the cold...its something else. a different emotion altogether...somewhat alien yet not completely unknown.
tonight, am rewriting the story of my life.
some emotions are not meant for me...and some are completely outside my personal emotional boundary. for me, life remains practical as long as i remain emotionally detached from the intricateness of the human mind. but...there was this one time that i had become emotional...n i had almost lost the most valuable thing that i'd ever possessed...my peace of mind.
Am not Saintly...but its true that i can never be possessive...am not familiar with envy either. the only thing that matters to me is uncomplicated love... where, we know that there is someone we can forever fall back on...where, we know that if our steps falter, someone will catch us before we fall. someone we can trust...someone who will hold our hand when even tears fail to relieve us from intense pain.
i have this love. the touch of a dear friend...the concern of a brother...the caring and loving hand on my head... the entire feeling of being loved...it feels beautiful! as beautiful as the moon tonight.
i love this emotion that connects two souls together.
Love is about being together...may not be in person but being there always...mentally. Love is that touch that assures you that you are not alone. be it a friend...be it a sister...be it a brother... be it your parents...or be it your Mentor. Love is a feeling to cherish...its the foundation of every human relationship. if there is no love...there can never be friendship. Love is that respect that one has for the other...love is the worry and anxiety that one feels for the other...love is that feeling of protectiveness that shields those being loved. Love is a blessing...infact it is a dual blessing, it blesses the one that loves and also the one who is being loved.


there is pain...even in love. the pain of watching our loved ones suffer...love pains when the ones you love are in pain. Love also pains when it remains unappreciated and unrequited. Love pains when silence kills it slowly. Love pains when the poison of indifference gnaws the hearts that love. Love pains when it is killed for selfish reasons...and Ego buries it. Love pains when one-sided compromises and adjustments become mere sacrifices that hold no meaning in the eyes of the one being loved. Love pains when neglected.
Having felt the pain...having been through the indifference...having lived through compromises... i believe, Love is true only when the feeling lives on even after the person has left. the object of love may not remain the same...but the believe in Love still remains.
i still believe in Love... for i still believe in the Angels and the Fairies that visit me in my dreams!
Love pains...but it also loves. and because it loves it gives us the strength to live. it gives us hope...and dreams. Love in any form is beautiful...just like the cool breeze blowing outside... just like the beauty of the moon, radiant in the light of Love!

"Sakhi, bhabona kahare bole? Sakhi, jatona kahare bole?

Tomra je bolo dibosho-rajoni 'bhalobasha, bhalobasha'...

Sakhi, bhalobasha kare koye?! Sakhi keboli jatonamoy.

Sheki keboli chokher jal? Sheki keboli dukher swaas?

Loke tobe kore ki sukheri tore, emon dukhero aash.

Aamar chokhe to shokoli sobhon,

Shokoli nobeen, shokoli bimol, shunil akash, shyamolo kanon,

Bishod jyochhona, kusumo komol - shokol amari moton tara. 

Keboli hanshe, keboli gaye, hanshiya, kheliya morite chaye -

Najane bedon, najane radon, najane shader jatona joto.

Phul se haanshitey haanshitey jhore, jyochhona hanshiya milaye jaay,

Hanshite hanshite alokshagore akasher taara teyage kaaye.

Aamar moton sukhi ke aache. Aaye sakhi aaye, aamar kaache -

Sukhi hridoyer sukher gaan suniya toder jurabe pran.

Protidin jodi kandibi kebol ek din noye haanshibi tora -

Ek din noye bishado bhuliya shokole miliya gahibo mora.

Bhabona kahare bole. Sakhi, jatona kahare bole.

Tomra je bolo dibosho-rajoni 'bhalobasha, bhalobasha' -

Sakhi, bhalobasha kare koye! Sakhi keboli jatonamoy..."

~~Rabindranath Tagore

3rd Feb 2011...my 22nd B'day!

This was one of my best birthdays ever...honestly!!

the midnight party at hostel...will miss it next year...and in the years to come. this was my last birthday in college.

Blowing out all 22 candles that were placed in the corridor was fun...i had to literally crawl on the floor to manage this feat...from the room where i had been locked in, while the others were busy with the decorations, to my room where the party was to be held! the party with my friends at City Centre (dgp) was awesome...the treat was @KFC...had always wanted to celebrate my bday there...n this time my wish came true! all in all it was a fantastic day!

met Praveen_bhai...and that as usual made me extra happy!! missed a few old friends...Sushmi, specially!! also missed those who couldnt make it to Durgapur on my B'day.

this year too i had two cakes...one was made out of chips n puchka walla alu stuffing and the other was a normal cake! on 4th was my Jonmodin (my birthday as per the Bengali calendar)...got a gajar ka halwa treat that day and another surprise gift from a dear friend!

i just loved the Mug gifted by my bro, Mishra...it was signed by almost all my friends! and Soumee gave me my-long-desired KFC balloon (hadnt managed to get one for myself...so she got it for me!)... :-P :-P
thanks to Nilakshi for the surprise and for the Broasters sauce and paper napkin (!!)...thanks to Puja for her love and care! thanks to prantika for the cute surprise...and Subhomoy for Castle and the Candle!! a big thank you to Apu and Ri for coming all the way from Kolkata to be with me on my B'day and for being the official photographers!! thanks to Abhijit Bannerjee for remembering my birthday! and a big "Thank You" to all my friends...preety, hema...and all of my friends for their wishes and love! thank you so much for making me feel so special!

and this year, for the first time in my life, exam results were announced on my Birthday! 7th semester results!! and i have done reasonably well...am the 3rd highest score holder of my dept. :-P

here are a few snapshots of my Birthday celebrations...

the Birthday Girl with the mug "autographed" by her friends...special thanks to Avisek Mishra

party time @KFC

the midnight party @hostel...bubbles...friends...cakes n candles!

the puchka cake!!

my B'day cake, cards and gifts!

Another personal note

this is perhaps my most personal and direct post till date. if i had someone i could say all this to this post would not have been here... but...well it is here.

inspite of all that is not going well with me...these last few days i did feel happy...after a long long time. went out with friends...my Rons and Hermiones...CCD, movie, KFC...adda session about random things...even pointless things!! but i guess, a point comes when you just get back to your problems...and then the grief overwhelms you...and...in short...you are dead.

i wish i had one emotional escape...anything...anyone.

and a recent realisation...i dont believe in a lot of things any more. you know, u keep expecting...u keep hoping...and then you realise that you were a fool to have been waiting for something to happen that can never really be a reality. and then you give up hope...you give up your expectations...you even give up your feelings...you give up on the people you love. its not that you stop loving them...its just that you stop hoping that they will love you back. maybe you are no longer worthy of their love. its a pathetic feeling...but you have to accept this as well.

am not complaining...i know, my problems are the not the only ones in this world...neither are they the worst problems...no they are not. but...they are quite big to me...they trouble me...make me sleepless...they make me insecure... and i feel so damn crappy lonely...stuck with them alone in a cold room...

its true...when you are happy...the whole world celebrates with you...but when you are down...no one comes to stand beside you. no one at all.

its weird...my world is shrinking...getting smaller and smaller with each passing day. and at this rate...a day will come when my world will cease to have anyone else in it except my parents and myself. its true...your parents are the only people in this world who love you unconditionally...and you never become unworthy of their love ever.

sometimes you just need to get these emotions out of your system. staying alone makes you feel even worse...and am lucky i have a blog to express myself whenever i wish to.

so much has changed in my life in these few months...since last winter... my whole life has changed. i saw happy days...i experienced bliss... and then everything started fading away...and now am left with almost nothing...nothing...

there was a time when i could say all that i had in my mind to my dearest people... and now...i pick up my phone...type out a message...wait for two minutes...then delete it and keep my phone aside.

i dunno...i've lost faith in so many things and feelings...

a thought...a fear...and a wish

something strange has happened to me...something that i had not anticipated... n it happened rendering me expressionless...like never before. I dont know if my words are eloquent enough...i just wish to put this feeling aside and move on with life. am just, how do you say it...oh yes...spitting it out.

i had felt this way just once before in my life... at the school fest when i was barely 5yrs old. i had been holding onto my mother's hand...and suddenly she wasn't there. the fear...the panic...the emotions that had flooded my mind at that moment... the wish to scream out...call out to my mother... the urgent wish to be found... the desperation to hold my mom's hand again... to find my way back to safety... to find my way back into the world that promised solace... 

i've been feeling the same way lately. 

the irony is that am at home. my mom is here, with me...near me...ready to take me into her arms... then why...

why am i feeling this way? where is my world of solace...where?

i am not sure why am suddenly feeling this way. its strange...its weird...infact its very very unlike me to be so overwhelmed with emotions. very rarely do these things called emotions hijack my mind and heart this way...very rarely. and yet...now, its all there...overwhelming me...my entire thought process...over-ruling all logic and reason...

i wish i could comfort myself...give myself the peace that my heart is longing for...but... i have tried, and failed. i wish to find my world of peace...my world of solace. i need it just the way i need to breath to live... i need it to survive... i need to find it...to save myself. 

                                  -------------------------------------

maybe i feel this way for you. maybe it is you who am longing for. in my own strange way...maybe i perceive u as more of a parent to me than a friend. or perhaps, its just my strong desire to have you by my side...just that. there is no need to have any words between us... in any case i am not eloquent enough these days. and there is no need for you to talk. just be there...by my side. lets just walk together...side by side.

i wish to be a part, a happy part of your world... in silence shall i be if you would just let me in.

i may not have been the way you had wanted me to be...and you may want to leave. i pray, stay. 
if this was how it was going to be...why had you come at all? say? 

now that you are here, like a true friend, respect me...accept me with my faults.

i may not be perfect but i still am the same person you had know. 
the smiles the joys that we had shared were neither yours nor mine alone. 

A Blissful Illusion

the pages lay on the floor....torn....tattered...
i had torn them off.... erased the words they carried...they lay scattered....
the innumerable pieces of my heart.
tiny words...singled out...lay all by themselves.
the dotted "i"-s... and the crossed out "me"-s...the rest were "you"-s...
a collage of feelings...of thoughts unexpressed.
thoughts, that could have made their way to your heart...
my thoughts....right from the start...
you would have heard me...if only...
if you had been there...

lost you were in a world where i was not the person i knew to be me...
lost you were in a world you thought was yours forever to keep.
lost you were...ever so deep...
away from bricks and mortar... away from the smell of fresh leaves...
away from the touch of reality... 
even away from me...
in a world you had for yourself alone and no other.

a blissful illusion...a world of perfection.
calm...serene...idyllic...
yet untrue...for me at least.
it was a world you had created for yourself... for you to be in 
for you to love and to live...and for no other.

A Page from my Friend's Diary.

Some emotions rarely find words to express themselves. some thoughts remain hidden under the misty veil of doubt... some hopes remain wishes...unfulfilled. some dreams are forever lost...
to love and to be loved...this every soul desires.
never lost...love remains....unexpressed...somewhere deep within...veiled by practicality...
situations change...conditions alter...but emotions and feelings...they remain...perhaps shrouded....but yes they do remain.
latent...unperceived...untouched...they remain.

tears speak...they scream out the pain that lies within...the pain of having lost that one Love that had been yours... silent tears....and a few words...

"Today i've every reason to be happy.
Today i've a reason to smile,
Today i dont have to hide,
Today its me...only me,
Today i have the things i've always envied,
Today life is simple...more than ever before,
Today i dont have the right...to miss you from my core,
Today i'm completely rich.
........
The only things missing are my happiness and peace..."

                                                     ~~~ a page borrowed from my Friend's Diary.

College...gosh...Final year!!

ohk...its been a really long time since i last bored people by writing rubbish here at my blog!! but friends....am back!!
WBUT is one mad university...they announce exams exactly 14 days before the scheduled starting date and then postpond it so conveniently just 5 days before the commencement of the examinations!! we, poor students of this doomed university, had been anticipating an early semester exam...and had been preparing ourselves mentally (we do not bother to study till the routine is officially published at the website) for the exams since April!! practical exams were conducted in May...n finally theory exams took place in June!!! n that is...like...well...soooo irritating!! #mahafail
all our training and internship plans were jeopardised...and most of us had to rearrange our schedules and re-apply for the various trainings we had been planning to undertake during the summer!! again #mahafail
but finally the ordeal is over...! exams are over...internships n trainings have either begun or will begin shortly....we r all in holiday mood....enjoying our semester break!!

this sem break is perhaps a little different from others. for once...the feeling of having finished another year at college is kinda freaky! we r final year students now...n that is, trust me...the weirdest thing possible!! like, it was just yesterday that we came to college...made friends...got used to hostel life...n now........not even 12 months r left...!! n to top it all, our hostel buildings have been swapped!! guys will now b staying in the girl's hostel building n girls will shift to the guys block.......grrrrrrrrrr.......could things get worse!??!

for me...these 3 years...well....i lost a lot...but i gained more than i could have ever imagined!! dont know how...but i guess somehow this place gave me my reasons for being eternally happy...!!

one more year...final year...campusing... competitive exams...trainings n projects...busy busy year ahead!!

will keep updating...stay tuned...

phir milenge chalte chalte...

hostel farewell '10 (23rd april), originally uploaded by SayaniMukherjee.

Hostel Farewell...Yaadein '10...the day was 23rd April...... it was a grand event...n we made sure that there were mostly smiles around...just a few tears... music, dance, masti, food...games...the Ms. KCGH competition...the early morning group photo sessions....

the party ended at around 6am the next morning...the seniors were all happy...there were smiles all around...
we, the pre-final years, were in tears... will miss them all....n will miss each other after one year. its our turn next...its our farewell next year...

Confessions of a Confused Mind

Life is so weird. I mean...look at it. It gives you immense joy and then suddenly threatens to take it all away. You win a match and then lose the very next...and all the bounty you had managed to collect...is gone in a jiffy!! Its a tiring game...too many obstacles, face offs, challenges and no cheat codes. Damn, am a pathetic player!!


The last few months were just too tiring for me...emotionally! For a person like me...emotions are a rare thing. But when they come...they flood the mind...unlock the gates of my self and break into my very system... Destroying my peace of mind...unsettling me temporarily, or so i thought. Certain feelings and emotions are very powerful. They are capable of unsettling minds permanently. And i'm afraid, i guess, that's the case with me.


Emotions that i had never known earlier...aliens emotions...invaded my mind...my heart...and my soul. These alien emotions kind of gave me a brand new identity. An identity that i could hardly relate to myself. I was happy...perhaps i am more or less still happy. The happiness is inexplicable...perhaps its bliss. But a certain sadness pervades... Why? How can profound happiness be accompanied by such pain. I do not understand. The pain is at times unbearable... All methods that a practical person may apply to control and check one's emotions have already failed me. Am I on the verge of insanity?  


Everything i had ever loved and cared for have now evaporated leaving behind nothing but residue of memories... I loved to write. But now expressions fail me. Music was my life...melody now evades me... But why?
I'm scared of losing everything that i have....all that i truly Love. I'm perhaps too possessive of my own Happiness...

I need to get back on my feet. I should stop expecting...Expectations hurt. I should stop waiting...I cannot wait for eternity... i should try to get back my bearings and start walking again...along a known path. I'm scared of walking alone...i don't want to lose myself in lonely deserted roads...its scary. I will follow the known path...will try to walk by myself again.