Erosion

Yeah, I had it all.
In bits and pieces.
All of you and all of me.
I found us, like sands on a beach.
Swept in by the sea and the winds.

I remember the last time someone sent me flowers.
A bunch of red roses on a Saturday morning.
The flowers wilted... I scattered them around my heart.
In bits and pieces.

I found a yellow rose between the pages of my diary...
The one I used to write in before I took up writing on social platforms.
The rose brought back memories of you, of us...
In bits and pieces.

I followed a page on Insta last week.
That of this insanely adorable Labrador pup.
Reminded me of your promise to get me one of my own.
Broken promises lay now, in bits and pieces.

I met You on a summer evening in April.
I met You, at midnight, in the parking lot, in October.
I met You at a beautiful monsoon twilight in July.
I met You again in April around the same time.

I met You, in bits and pieces.
Each time a different You.
Each time a part of You.

Bits and pieces of You, I picked up and made a whole.
Bits and pieces of myself, I gathered up and stored.
Bits and pieces, are all that’s left of me and You.
In bits and pieces lay our story untold.

I see You in my dreams.
The bits and pieces seem to come together.
I look in wonderment at the most amazing whole You make.
I nurse the hole in my soul.
The waves crash against the rocky shore...
Bits and pieces of me, they erode.

Your dreams keep me alive.
In these fragments of broken forevers,
I shall grow old.

Paradox

Are we doomed spirits lashing against the stormy winds in the ocean?

Or are we gypsies making our way through time?

Are we a paradox of fate or are we the destiny of all that is alive?

Are you and me meant to be silent forever? 

Are we meant to watch the skies set into dusk and then transform into dawn every day...

And still never speak a word...

Are we doomed souls fighting the winds on the battlefield shores?

Are we gypsies with tales untold?

Are we the paradox of life and death?

Are we who we are, who are we meant to be?

You and me.

The Open Love Letter

To

He who never came,

I don’t know if you can hear me. 

Perhaps am not loud enough, or clear.

I am still waiting...not too far, quite near.

Every knock on the door

Sends my heart beating

A crazy rhythm of its own...

I dream of the peace that your arms would bring

And the love that in your eyes I shall see.

With you, my love, I will finally be free.

Have you met me yet? 

Are you around?

Or did something happen to you...

Maybe you don’t want to be found.

Are you hurt and scared to love again?

From all emotions, do you refrain?

Maybe you have met me and not found me worthy.

Maybe...just maybe... you simply never came.

Your side of the bed will be empty forever...

I will puff a pillow each night for you.

I will come back to an empty house,

Light up those yellow lights you love so much, I know 

And I would call it home. 

I will make space for you on the bean bag beside me 

And talk about the random things that no one gets but us.

The silence is deafening.

The thought of you not being there 

Is not a future I can live in.

I can’t breath. 

The vast emptiness pulls me into an abyss... and I am scared. 

I am scared to let go of the thought of you.

I hope you are well. 

I hope you are happy wherever you are.

Maybe you have already found Love and it’s not me.

Or maybe... just maybe... you are waiting still.

Maybe you light up the yellow lights and talk about all the random things no one understands but us.

Maybe you too make space for me. 

Maybe I am home to you.

You tell me your dreams and your fears.

Maybe you are looking forward to the day we meet

And that day you will be, in the truest possible way, complete.

Do you fear not meeting me?

Do you wonder if I am there?

Have you given up already...

I don’t want to know, I wouldn’t dare.

Maybe you are gone already.

That, I would perhaps never know.

As fortune would have it,

Maybe we are never to meet, but

I was destined to be forever yours.

Come, find me.
Please.

From

She who kept waiting.

The Funeral March

The Funeral March played on...
I walked silently with the crowd.
It was a bright sunny day.
The winter wind battled with the pristine shroud.

The aisle was long.
The way to the altar was longer still.
Twice I was to be given away.
Twice had I been turned away further still.

They marched through the meadows...
They marched through the hills...
They marched through the shadows...
They marched through barren lands and streams.

The funeral march played on...
I walked silently with the crowd.

There were flowers and they burned incense...
The stink of death and sorrow filled the air.
I was stale and I had wilted...
The wind blew through my unkempt hair.

Was it me they were mourning or was I mourning my dreams?
The crowd was filled with faces that I had never seen.
Their touch was cold... or maybe it just wasn’t as warm as I had been.
Was this the loss of me or was this my loss... I was lost, I could not feel.

Was it me they were mourning or was I mourning my dreams?

The funeral march played on...
I walked silently with the crowd.

— written on a winter afternoon with an overcast sky

Who we are

Everything that we are not and everything that we shall ever be...all of it...the entire story is written by the people we meet.

However much we may believe that we create our own lives...it has to be acknowledged that a lot of who we are is courtesy the people we have met.

Some of us have siblings. We grow up with them. Sharing, laughing, fighting and loving each other. Some of us grow up alone. The alone kids have a whole universe within themselves.

I remember my life defining moment. It was when my roommate at college told me that she had got two coffee mugs...one for herself and one for whoever her roommate was going to be.
And yes, it's been 10 years since then...we are still sharing, laughing, fighting and loving each other!

The people we date...and the reason we break up with them... These, kind of, change the person that we were before we met them or broke up with them. Some good and some bad...their influences, their choices, their likes and dislikes...they leave an imprint on us.

The colleagues we make and the work we do...they help us understand what we can never be good at. That in turn helps us figure out who we actually are.

We have values and ideals of our own. The foundation, perhaps, remains same but our values and principles evolve over time. We realise how we really want our life to be and that's what moulds our way of life.

Life is ever changing. We may long of things we have lost but somehow nothing is ever lost. The people you have met and lost have left an imprint on you. We carry all the interactions and relationships inside us...as experiences. They help us grow.

We may be the architect of our own fortune but it's mostly our choices to be with the people we want to be with that defines the way our life turns out to be.

Pretty fascinating...I feel!

Carpe Diem?!

So what do you do when you want to break free and do something new that takes your mind off your troubles and pain...something that manages to set you off along the right path again?

Different people have different coping mechanisms.

Women are known to get a make-over... hair, nails and all of it. A new wardrobe definitely helps them to win the war against all odds.

I generally seek refuge in music and books. Mostly, I just write. That's how this blog came into existence.

I used to a very timid child. Introvert in the very sense of the word. I was a good girl, who obeyed all rules and was filled with shame and guilt when, even by the slightest mistake, some of those rules were broken. I was quiet. I had trouble opening up to people. I didn't want anyone to know me lest they judge me for who I am.

That was eons ago. I do not care about such things anymore. Life has changed me. I am no longer that self conscious shy child. I am no longer an introvert. I talk now. I don't just talk, I express my opinion and views. I am confident and sure of what I am doing. I am, in ways, fearless.

No matter how sturdy an armour we put on, there are moments when we get weak. There are moments when we long for the things we can never get...dreams that we know will never see the light of the day...longings...wishful ones.
I believe, I am the only one responsible for my happiness. I believe, that I am the only one responsible for everything that happens in my life. It makes me feel stronger sharper and definitely not taller (Horlics reference for those who can connect the dots)!
There are things I long for...and I know that reality is far from those things.

I write. When I feel sad about all the things that I am missing out on, I write. Right now I am under this huge #FOMO phase. Hence, this post.

This has been a year of changes...and the way things are going next year will be even more dynamic.
To be honest, I like dynamic. I prefer a hectic life compared to a peaceful one. It leaves me with less time to get into the wishful longings phase.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should stop running. Maybe I pick a hectic life because I am running away from the things that make me sad. Is it just FOMO or am I being an escapist?

Carpe diem... shall I never be able to seize the day?
  

The Journey of Loss

He said..."it's all over."
She cried all night. She checked her phone every few minutes. She almost dialled his number a couple of times. She spent her nights in sleepless dreams. Her mornings were lost in dreary wakefulness. Every breath she took reminded her of him. Everything around her had his touch. She felt lost...alone in her pain.
Months later...she saw him in the lift at her workplace. She barely glanced at him. Her world had moved on.

"It's all over"...her son told her over the phone. The words did not register at first and when it did, her world crashed around her.
Years and years of memories...every single moment of the last 52 years.
Questions flooded her heart and mind...
How could he not be here anymore. How is it possible that I will never be able to touch him again. Who will I talk to at night when the world had drowned in sleep. Who will I wake up for in the mornings...who will share my cup of tea.

The habits and nuances of the years gone by...every word ever spoken...the dreams they had seen together...their smiles and joys... everything that was theirs was now left with her. He was gone...she would never see him again.

Her children sat with their arms around her...her grand kids sat nearby. He was there among them all...yet his journey has changed direction... he was in peace now.
And her life would never be the same again.

~ The Journey of Loss

In the memory of lost loved ones.

Believe

And so much we could have done,
And so much I did,
The before and after was washed away with the morning tide,
When I faced the Sun and braced the light,
The salt drops on the floor,
The smudges here and there...
Of multitudes forgone, lay the ceiling bare...

Truth beckoned the strength within,
The desire to do more than just begin,
When the days of light cease to live,
All we do is, believe.

Drift Off

I dont have a cubicle. We, that is our team, sit in a cabin assigned to us. It is great for team building and coordinated work...especially in times of crisis, better known as "Production Issues" in the IT world!
I love corners and places that are a little secluded...preferably a window seat. And I have one! 
In the moments between work...I often look outside and let my mind drift off... A random chain of thoughts corner me...and my imagination leads me from one mental image to another...
The below is the result of one such "Drift Off"

A shadow in my day...
A light in my night.
A star in my sky...
Burning bright.
The smile on my face...
My beauty and my grace.
The rainbow after rain...
The touch that could wipe out all pain.

The leaves in the Fall...
The pretty Princess at the Ball.
The frozen lakes...
And all the Christmas cakes.
The wine and the cheer...
All the seasons I held dear.
One at a time... All was gone...
While I sat in the Spring singing my song.

The Smoke and the Hills

The cold wind blew through me...piercing me with its icy spears.... it didn't pain...not the way it used to. I thought ... perhaps its over...perhaps the wounds have finally healed.

I was walking through the rain... the saline drops tasted sweet...
I kept walking through the darkness...

Smoldering remains of a distant dream...the smoke, a mere puff of life...
i waited...still...

and then one morning the sun suddenly shone bright...the brilliance of its light almost blinded my eyes...
the overpowering...over whelming light broke through the darkness...the smoke dispersed...
the wind spoke in my ears...the greens smiled at me...and the birds sang lyrical poetry...
i could feel life rushing through my veins...i could feel my heartbeat once again...
the white cotton clouds floating in the sky.,,gave me wings...and then i felt free...yes, i could really fly...

but the clouds grew stronger...and stronger still... they turned gray...and then black....
they moved ominously across the sky...
the light grew weaker...and weaker still...
the force of life ceased...
the birds chirped...but softly....
the green grew dull against the gray...

the hills in the distance were covered by smokey clouds...the smoldering remains of my long lost dreams...the smoke, a mere puff of life...

Through the viewfinder

Glimpses of Kolkata through my viewfinder....

After the winter rain on a New Year morning...

P.S. Victoria was a woman, n hence the pink theme :P

A thousand words...innumerable thoughts...and some memories...all rushed through my mind when my eyes captured this frame through my cam's viewfinder....

Sharing with you some moments, stolen from my mind.

I was never fond of flowers....but this, somehow, changed my mind!

A bunch of flowers...love and joy galore...

and a precious smile in return!

Sharing in itself makes one feel good...n happy inside...

and sharing what i see with the world is an even better feeling... :-)

The Last One...

some things remain incomplete forever.... perhaps they are meant to be that way... and we have to accept them as such...

the uneasy feeling of incompleteness gnaws our soul...we burn inside in the fire of the desire to be complete again...a desire than can never come true...a wish that is destined to remain unfulfilled forever....
...n still try to be happy...try to live...hoping that some day peace would descend on us...someday our prayers will be answered.

...and then one day....life becomes irrelevant....and the prayer changes...the wish changes....

.....My Prayer...My Last Wish...

".....bring me closer to the End
take me closer to you...
End my pain...

In those last few moments of Life...
I shall find peace...solace...
My wings shall be reborn...
N i shall fly...
Free.
In those last few moments....
I shall find
Me.

I will smile one last smile...
The one smile in so many years...
N the world shall smile at me...
Contentment...on its face.

I shall care no more..
No worldly treasures can touch me again...
I shall be at peace...

In my last breath i shall smile...for
I shall be forever free....
with You near me...

Take me closer to You...
Take me closer to my peace...
Take me closer to the End."

Knowing me

Don't look at me. Look into my eyes. I am not who you think I am. 

I appear to be the way you want me to be...but take a look inside...I am not who I appear as.

In the glow of the Reflection...

A Self is lost.

Under the cover of existence...

Life struggles to live.

And,

In the chaos of Life...

Identity dies a premature death.

Take a look at the person in the mirror...

Is it you? 

Is it the same person who talks to you when you are alone? Is this the person that you invariably entrust with all your secrets? Is this the person who knows your dreams...even sees them with you? 

Or is it the person that the World sees in you...

I ask you...again...is it you?

A sky...as dark as darkness could have made it...

A moon...as bright as light could have made it...

Its a still night...

And a silent shadow hovers near me...

The Shadow of the me that i was...

The Shadow of the me that i wanted to be...

A Shadow is all that remains...

It is all that was ever true...

It is all that could have been true...

I move ...the Shadow follows...

A constant reminder of life's probable possibilities...

The only thing that remains...and is mine...

n will forever be so...

Is my shadow

My shadow is how I see myself...without a mirror...through my own eyes.

The mirror reflection is the me you see...

my shadow is my Truth

...and it follows me.

The Spark

Came across a wiki link that made me feel more than proud of the family i belong to!

I had grown up knowing that my mom's side of the family has a rich cultural and historical background. But to see the facts on a page, on the internet...that too on wikipedia...is quite overwhelming!

My Grandfather, Samir Roy Choudhury, born in the family of Subarna Roychoudhury, the Zamindar of Kolkata, prior to the arrival of the British, was one of the Founder fathers of the Hungry Generation.

About the Hungry Generation, my mom can tell you better stories as i came into the picture much later!!
I was born and spent the initial months of my life in my Grandparents' Patna residence. The environment was always culturally rich. And Post Modern Literature had been an integral part of my growing up years. Like they say, what we see and observe in our formative years...we learn. And these lessons become a part of our very self. It becomes a part of who we are.
So true.

From what i've gathered from the reviews i've got from my valued readers, the effect of these childhood lessons have been reflected in my writings over the years. I distinctly remember the article that i had submitted to the College Magazine...the Teacher Editor had classified it in the category of Post Modern Literature. Knowingly or unknowingly the subconscious works in a way that reflects the learning of our formative years.

Incidentally, my Grandfather carries a notebook and a pen with him...nearly always. His 78 years old self has retained the creative spark...infact the spark has brightened over the years.
On a recent visit to a hospital for a tumor surgery, he had a dream. In this dream he saw policemen chasing a thief. The day he returned home, he asked me for a pen and a piece of paper...any paper, he'd demanded. Urgency clear in his manner and voice. He then quickly jotted down his dream on the paper that i'd given him. Am sure that dream has already developed into a short story or a poem.

Distant memories of a tiny me sitting on a tray, in a Dark Room of our Photography Studio, and watching my maternal uncle work.... of paint brushes and colours lying around and experts editing photographs with them... 1990 didn't have Photoshop facilities!! ......somehow did leave an impression on me.

My first professional work to be published was on the cover page of my Grandfather's publication, a Little Magazine named "Haowa 49" .....infact my design was critically acclaimed. The thing is...i was 4 years old then.

The little that i know and all that i can know has its roots in my family.
I've always been a happy and content family member but today i feel more than proud of my family.

Somehow when others tell you about yourself...you get to know yourself better! :-)

Iti Mrinalini

All movies do not make me feel like writing about them...very few do. And Iti Mrinalini makes me want to....i dont know if my words can ever do this piece of art justice... but still...i wish to talk about it and so i will.
Should i write a review or should i just write about what i felt when i saw the movie?

so...i'll just combine the two, the review and my feelings on watching Iti Mrinalini.

The letter remained unfinished. The recapitulation of one's life with just hours left to live...leading to the ultimate realisation that in spite of how the life had been, it is your life. You may have not had the things you had wanted so dearly but you do have someone or something to live for... and the very realisation infuses in you the love for Life and makes you embrace Life...even at the darkest hour you know that you are very close to the dawn. BUT...you never know when Life may take away your chance to live. Uninvited, untimely...maybe just when you have grasped the true worth of your Life...you may have to stop living... you may have to leave...leaving the Letter...your Life, unfinished. ....Iti Mrinalini.

Iti Mrinalini is a riot of colours. The colours of human emotions. The beautiful cinematography gives Life to Mrinalini's reminiscence. Somak Mukherjee has brought the 60s and 70s era alive with his brilliant cinematography. His work deserves special mention...Mrinalini's life is incomplete without his cinematography. Somak gives Mrinalini's mind's eye it's sight.

The music gives the movie its Soul. Debajyoti Mishra's music has played along the lines of Mrinalini's life...recreating the phases that she went through. Sunil Gangopadhyay's poem Smritir Shohor has been beautifully used as the theme. The closer we come to Mrinalini the more relevant the lyrics become.

The strong story and powerful performances override the fact that the movie is slightly lengthy. Konkona plays the younger Mrinalini while her mother Aparna Sen plays the older Mrinalini. Young Mrinalini wants to live life. She has dreams...she has hope...and she has love. The older Mrinalini is broken. She is lost in the darkness of the Night. The pain, hurt and loss...the experiences of life is seen clearly in her eyes. That one night of insufferable anguish that ended in a dawn is the story of Mrinalini. Her life through her own eyes...hours from her death. A death that she had not planned...a death that stopped her midway...and as she fell...she was perhaps trying to embrace life in those early hours of dawn.

The film explores Love, in all its different forms. One that is lively, happy, carefree... one that's more domestic... the love of a mother...and then a kind of love that falls somewhere between friendship and love, and then...one resulting out of loneliness and seclusion.
It is the Love that has no expectations...no bondages...the love that frees you...it is that Love that we must look for and live for... it was this Love that ushered the dawn after the gloomy Night... two simple words that spoke of assurance, care and love "Ami aschi" ("I'm coming")...it were these words that made Minnie smile...a smile that was real, not a result of sad recollections but a genuine smile of hope and love.

The other actors, namely, Rajat Kapoor, Priyanshu Chatterjee, Koushik Sen, have all done a brilliant job by supporting Aparna Sen to create Mrinalini's world.

Mrinalini is more than a character...she is perhaps Life itself...
...and this movie "Iti Mrinalini" is about the unfinished story of Life...

It is what you make of it.

Had been planning a post on "Self Important Arrogant Web Socialites"....you know the FB homepage top-news-post-owners who invariably dominate your entire home page and irritate you to no end with their irrelevant updates! Updates that speak about what they did when...and how...in details! Updates that scream out their achievements (mostly over-exaggerated...and nothing more than what you may have had easily achieved a lot earlier in your life but never blown the trumpet about!). Updates that speak of the number of times they visited the loo and the loo-reforms that they wish to bring about... blah blah blah. Those are our very own Self Important Arrogant Web Socialites...SIAWS.

But then i thought...why go into such treacherous waters and invoke the fury of so very many SIAWS.... n i chose to write about the latest Google Chrome Adverts....i love them. Simplicity redefined!

check the "Dear Sophie" ad... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4vkVHijdQk ...Daniel Lee, Dad.

This ad features a proud new father who uses the web to share memories with his daughter as she grows up.....


This advert touches so many emotions...so many of them.
It reminds you of your Dad... it reminds you of the day when he got for you the toy you'd been throwing tantrums for... It reminds you of the times when he chided you for the mistakes you made and then made it up with a hug. Your mind floods with memories of your own childhood and you wish you could look back at them again...together with your dad.
While watching the video you decide that you too will record memories to share with your kid. The Mom or Dad in you wakes up to a new dream!
Its the magic of Simplicity and Love!

Edward Lewis, Dad.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5NKYKE6U2c ...this is another version of the same advert "Dear Hollie".....and this one ends with the lines... "I've been emailing you all your life. One day we'll look back at these together."

More than the content, its the style that has caught my attention. In this materialistic world of artificial effects nothing attracts more than the simplicity of emotion and thought. A simplistic approach to marketing...Google seems to have played just the right cards!
 A merger of technology with the most basic of all human emotions...humanity. That has played the pivotal role in the conceptualisation of this advertisement...that is evident.

It is true...technology is not supposed to be your life...it is supposed to be a part of it only. You are the Master and Technology is your Power.
And, yes....the Web is but a medium of expression and Technology enables efficient sharing of that expression. Anyone with a fair amount of knowledge as to how to express him or herself can use the Web to his or her advantage. No Web user is better than the other when they start out... but it is how well you can use your Power that determines who becomes a better Master of the Power-tools provided to him/her.

"The Web is what you make of it."

Google has come up with an apt Tagline.
No one is more important than the other on the Web. you create your own identity and maintain it. It is unwise to make technology your life...for after all it is but just Virtual. Technology is an aid that helps to make real life living more delightful...more joyous and more loving.... just like Daniel Lee and Edward Lewis. They have created a storehouse of memories that they wish to share with their kids when they grow up. they never intended to or will never even wish to bring their children up in the virtual world... its more like a virtual album of real life memories....

They've used the Web in their own way...and have generated smiles.

SIAWS...do something worthwhile....make someone smile...not a smiley but a real smile!

Ah! Maybe someday my Blog will have some similar effect on me and my readers!! :) ..........lets smile...together!

A Simple Post...some moments n memories

All right...Graduation is over...ok...sort of over...at least the study part is over.
Exams ended on 26th May...so technically that was the last day of undergraduate college life for me...er...ok...for us.
Packed my bags...with Nilu's help (lots n lots of it!!) and returned home on 29th. the Durgapur phase of my life is over. To be honest, i miss hostel more than i miss college. Every morning when i wake up i miss Puja. She used to wake me up each morning and drag me down to the mess for breakfast...i miss wishing Soumee "Good morning" in the bathroom while brushing my teeth... Ah! Soumee used to take suuuuch a long time to brush her's!!
i miss standing by Nilakshi's bed and tickling her to wake her up...
i miss Apurba's dining hall conversations and animated storytelling (cant disclose the stories she used to tell us...ssshhhh)...miss Sayari's "Indi Pindi" song...miss Madhu and her dramatics...miss Preety...miss Hema.... i miss my roommate, Prantika...am so used to having her around me all the time. Am so used to sharing not just my room, but my life...my world...with her. Miss having Amita around...she's the sweetest girl i've ever known. More than the campus...i miss the people there...
i miss the classroom masti n pagalpanti with my classmates...i miss the long long chats with Praveen in the college cafeteria...i miss the Hudco zone, the puchka walas, the roll walas...i miss Ram Mandir...i miss the spcl chai with ilaichi at Bidhannagar market...i miss the bread chop, thanks to Mishra i got to taste it.
The last day at Durgapur was perhaps by far one of my best-est days there...DJ, Kuntal, Puja, Nilakshi and me...the night sky spread above us...the sand beneath us...me singing Rabindrasangeet  ..."Emni korei jaye jodi din jakna..." and the breeze blowing softly around us...Barrage had never been more beautiful...am sure. .....emni korei jaye jodi din...sotti....jakna...
I still remember my first day in Durgapur...had gone there for the AIEEE counselling... and then, before i could even feel time flying by me, it was my last day there...29th...the day my big family, my happy family broke apart...each member moving on in his or her life...leaving the place which was our home for the last four years. but just like a true family...we've silently promised each other a life-long committed...no matter how far away we are...we are connected and shall forever be so...not by blood but by heart.
Have left many things behind...including some memories and some emotions...left them there forever.

Its a bright new morning...a new sunshine...a new beginning. All right, many things don't (often) work out the way we want them to but yes, nevertheless, if they can bring happiness to someone, its worth it. Had got placed in a Delhi based Telecom company...was in two minds but chose to stay in Kolkata...my family needs me here...and with that choice came the decision of doing my MBA from home. Kind of a package deal!

A new Start means a Stop to certain things...it means changes. Am up for it...am up for the challenges...personal, emotional...whatever may they be...am up for it.
These last few months have taught me a lot...the most important one being the importance of happiness.
It's true...you realise the importance of what you had only when you lose it... i learnt how important happiness is only after i lost the very feeling of it. i used to be a happy happy person n now...its been ages since i'd felt it. But we are but mere actors playing our parts...this world is but a stage... Shakespeare had rightly said so. And so...the show must go on... like any actor who puts aside his or her personal loses and diligently performs his or her part...am playing my part...for the show must go on.

well...thats it for today...i'll get back with more updates n articles later!!

In Silence

"...sometimes my heart wishes that i could have been there... held ur hand...walked with you through the darkness...dispersing it as we walked towards light, together... but then i wake up...it was all a dream... a sudden rush of cold wind...the first drops of rain... but of this dream much more than just memories will remain... " 


i have a silent prayer...and i still pray...


...a silent tear drop runs down my cheek...every time i remember you. i wake up...in the middle of the night...when memories pierce my heart like arrows from the quiver...piercing my soul. i wake up silently shrieking in pain.
you were here...with me...moments ago. and now you are gone. am standing still. shards of my broken heart scattered all around.


i start walking again...silently...for no ears love my pain. silent...i keep walking.
i cross the narrow forest path...the hills and the lanes. the highways come and go. 
at every new step, a new smile greets me.. every few steps, love and care awaits me. i smile for those who wait for me at every step... their hands on my shoulder...the concern in their eyes.. i will live for them, for they give me life.
i feel free...there is nothing left to lose. its just me now...nothing left to save...nothing new to dream of... nothing new left to say. i live as life moves on. a new adventure...a brand new quest to complete...my life makes me live!


and you...
i just have this much to say...as long as i keep walking...remember, somewhere there is this someone who silently prays for you. to this someone only your happiness matters...nothing else. when you are in pain...it hurts her even more. for the sake of those numerous happy memories shared...please be happy.... and i promise...i shall forever pray for you...till the setting sun takes me away.

the Sunset in the Fall...and my Flight with the Fairies.

it was sunset...i was walking
an autumn evening...
into the horizon...alone...
i was walking...
the hand that had held mine was lost...
the maple leaves blew around me...and some lay trodden beneath my feet...
into the golden horizon...i was walking...

barren trees...the Fall is here.
between two rises...the sun was setting.
the golden hue would soon transform itself into Darkness...
i was alone...and i was walking...
silence all around...save the soft whistle of the blowing wind...
and the crisp crunches of the dry leaves on the ground...
towards the horizon i walked...alone...

an emptiness...the silence...innumerable images...
am alone...the hand that was in mine...lost.
the stars shone...the moon lit up the night.
Light descended...silvery...smooth to the touch...
my fingers found a hand...or perhaps there were many...
the Light filled me through...
the sudden brilliance was almost blinding...
the soft touch of assurance was back...more loving...more caring...
my eyes saw through the brilliance...Fairies in the moonlight.
Elegance...and smiles...
they held my hand...and gave me wings.
i was flying with them...
o're mystery lands...over the autumn...over the Fall...
flying...over the horizon...
into the realm of Calm and Peace. 

The Moon is Beautiful Tonight!

also read ..."A page from my diary"  (this is the post that i have referred to in this post)


the moon is beautiful tonight! it has probably never been prettier. the cool breeze blowing is taking me back to that evening on the small terrace in my old hostel...sometime in 2009, in November. me sitting with my Diary...alone. the cool breeze making me shiver...
the Diary no longer exists...nor do the feelings. it would be unfair to say that the feelings have all ceased to exist...its just that they have changed. my life has changed...in several ways.
yet, some things always remain unchanged. i had been relishing solitude that night...and these last two evenings i have been doing the same.
the moon is beautiful tonight...prettier than it ever was.
the cool breeze is still blowing through my hair...am shivering. its not the cold...its something else. a different emotion altogether...somewhat alien yet not completely unknown.
tonight, am rewriting the story of my life.
some emotions are not meant for me...and some are completely outside my personal emotional boundary. for me, life remains practical as long as i remain emotionally detached from the intricateness of the human mind. but...there was this one time that i had become emotional...n i had almost lost the most valuable thing that i'd ever possessed...my peace of mind.
Am not Saintly...but its true that i can never be possessive...am not familiar with envy either. the only thing that matters to me is uncomplicated love... where, we know that there is someone we can forever fall back on...where, we know that if our steps falter, someone will catch us before we fall. someone we can trust...someone who will hold our hand when even tears fail to relieve us from intense pain.
i have this love. the touch of a dear friend...the concern of a brother...the caring and loving hand on my head... the entire feeling of being loved...it feels beautiful! as beautiful as the moon tonight.
i love this emotion that connects two souls together.
Love is about being together...may not be in person but being there always...mentally. Love is that touch that assures you that you are not alone. be it a friend...be it a sister...be it a brother... be it your parents...or be it your Mentor. Love is a feeling to cherish...its the foundation of every human relationship. if there is no love...there can never be friendship. Love is that respect that one has for the other...love is the worry and anxiety that one feels for the other...love is that feeling of protectiveness that shields those being loved. Love is a blessing...infact it is a dual blessing, it blesses the one that loves and also the one who is being loved.


there is pain...even in love. the pain of watching our loved ones suffer...love pains when the ones you love are in pain. Love also pains when it remains unappreciated and unrequited. Love pains when silence kills it slowly. Love pains when the poison of indifference gnaws the hearts that love. Love pains when it is killed for selfish reasons...and Ego buries it. Love pains when one-sided compromises and adjustments become mere sacrifices that hold no meaning in the eyes of the one being loved. Love pains when neglected.
Having felt the pain...having been through the indifference...having lived through compromises... i believe, Love is true only when the feeling lives on even after the person has left. the object of love may not remain the same...but the believe in Love still remains.
i still believe in Love... for i still believe in the Angels and the Fairies that visit me in my dreams!
Love pains...but it also loves. and because it loves it gives us the strength to live. it gives us hope...and dreams. Love in any form is beautiful...just like the cool breeze blowing outside... just like the beauty of the moon, radiant in the light of Love!

"Sakhi, bhabona kahare bole? Sakhi, jatona kahare bole?

Tomra je bolo dibosho-rajoni 'bhalobasha, bhalobasha'...

Sakhi, bhalobasha kare koye?! Sakhi keboli jatonamoy.

Sheki keboli chokher jal? Sheki keboli dukher swaas?

Loke tobe kore ki sukheri tore, emon dukhero aash.

Aamar chokhe to shokoli sobhon,

Shokoli nobeen, shokoli bimol, shunil akash, shyamolo kanon,

Bishod jyochhona, kusumo komol - shokol amari moton tara. 

Keboli hanshe, keboli gaye, hanshiya, kheliya morite chaye -

Najane bedon, najane radon, najane shader jatona joto.

Phul se haanshitey haanshitey jhore, jyochhona hanshiya milaye jaay,

Hanshite hanshite alokshagore akasher taara teyage kaaye.

Aamar moton sukhi ke aache. Aaye sakhi aaye, aamar kaache -

Sukhi hridoyer sukher gaan suniya toder jurabe pran.

Protidin jodi kandibi kebol ek din noye haanshibi tora -

Ek din noye bishado bhuliya shokole miliya gahibo mora.

Bhabona kahare bole. Sakhi, jatona kahare bole.

Tomra je bolo dibosho-rajoni 'bhalobasha, bhalobasha' -

Sakhi, bhalobasha kare koye! Sakhi keboli jatonamoy..."

~~Rabindranath Tagore