the Sunset in the Fall...and my Flight with the Fairies.

it was sunset...i was walking
an autumn evening...
into the horizon...alone...
i was walking...
the hand that had held mine was lost...
the maple leaves blew around me...and some lay trodden beneath my feet...
into the golden horizon...i was walking...

barren trees...the Fall is here.
between two rises...the sun was setting.
the golden hue would soon transform itself into Darkness...
i was alone...and i was walking...
silence all around...save the soft whistle of the blowing wind...
and the crisp crunches of the dry leaves on the ground...
towards the horizon i walked...alone...

an emptiness...the silence...innumerable images...
am alone...the hand that was in mine...lost.
the stars shone...the moon lit up the night.
Light descended...silvery...smooth to the touch...
my fingers found a hand...or perhaps there were many...
the Light filled me through...
the sudden brilliance was almost blinding...
the soft touch of assurance was back...more loving...more caring...
my eyes saw through the brilliance...Fairies in the moonlight.
Elegance...and smiles...
they held my hand...and gave me wings.
i was flying with them...
o're mystery lands...over the autumn...over the Fall...
flying...over the horizon...
into the realm of Calm and Peace. 

a story and a few questions

Once upon a time, there was a Someone. let us assume that this Someone was a "he".
he wanted to make it big in the world...he wanted to be reckoned with...and most of all he wanted a Name.
A Name that would be his own. A Name that would give him an identity...all he desired was individuality.
He loved to write. He was good at it. Infact, so much so that a few of his writings found place in some of the best editorials in the country. But then...he did not become a writer. he realised that writing will not be able to bring to him the name and the fame that he desired. he left this life...he left his love. He went away in search of Gold. the Gold Rush was on. and he worked tirelessly for his prize. all day he searched for the Gold...and at nights he sat planning his next move. which way down the hill is the Gold mine...which way? He was hardworking. and he kept trying. he searched the entire land...the whole territory. he tried several means to get to his Gold. he put in tireless effort...at times he would feel that this was not meant for him...this was not what his life was meant to be. this was not what he was meant to be. but he remained focussed on his goal. and then one day...he found his prize. the Gold lay gleaming before his eyes. he bent down to pick it up. in his hands the Gold shone like the Sun...he had emerged victorious. he was happy.


then he returned... with hopes and dreams of starting afresh. he started writing again but....his time was now gone. he had quit his destiny is search of something that was not meant for him. he had left keeping his love and life at stake...hoping that it will stay till he returned. he had left his life the day he had begun his quest...and when he returned...all was lost. his pen still carved letters but in his poetry...the rhyme was lost. papers lay stacked on the table...most of them untouched. whatever he wrote he felt that it was not upto the mark. he scratched out line after line...word after word... till he realised what all he had lost.
The Gold remained...locked safely in the locker...and the floor remained scattered with torn pieces of paper. the words that did not rhyme anymore...and the sentences all refused to make sense.


but there was his Gold...gleaming...bright...lustrous. his prize.
he was sitting at the foot of his bed...his pen in his hand...



the above story is based on an observation by a friend who had said... "Good time will come...one day you will be free from all hardships and all pain...but am afraid, maybe by that time a lot may be already lost..."
the statement made can be interpreted in many ways.
Failed personal dreams in attempts to live up to the expectations of the World. 
It may even be applicable in cases of failed relationships.
it may be true in several cases.


Where is the balance in life? Is life not worth taking risks with? some risks may be too costly though... but then where's the fun without some excitement, some adventure? is adventure necessary at the stake of everything we love and everyone we care for? can we not come to a balance? are extremes necessary?


so many questions...
answers...i know none.


lemme ask YOU.....what do you think?

(....Idea by Avishek Roy )

Finality

am standing at the edge....shall fall.
the last few moments...
remembering the rest.
moments...priceless ones...
sweet fond memories...memories of mirth...of joy...
moments...priceless yet painful...
memories that i can never let go...nor can i live with anymore.
memories that were never meant to be mine...
moments...lost forever.

am standing....and my life flashes by...
the walk in the garden...my tiny hand holding the guiding finger.
the ride on my tiny tricycle...
the maths book....with sums incomplete...
the certificates...the smiles...
the hope to reach the skies...

there was u....me...us...together.
friends...laughter...tears....
happiness...the wonder years...

u left....and so did they...
slowly...gradually...finally they were all gone.

am standing...alone...
at the edge of this new world...
a new realm lies beneath me...
a world where pain ceases forever...
a world where there are no u-s n me-s.
a black abyss... pulling me towards itself...
the pull ever so strong.
i stand at the edge...about to fall.

A Blissful Illusion

the pages lay on the floor....torn....tattered...
i had torn them off.... erased the words they carried...they lay scattered....
the innumerable pieces of my heart.
tiny words...singled out...lay all by themselves.
the dotted "i"-s... and the crossed out "me"-s...the rest were "you"-s...
a collage of feelings...of thoughts unexpressed.
thoughts, that could have made their way to your heart...
my thoughts....right from the start...
you would have heard me...if only...
if you had been there...

lost you were in a world where i was not the person i knew to be me...
lost you were in a world you thought was yours forever to keep.
lost you were...ever so deep...
away from bricks and mortar... away from the smell of fresh leaves...
away from the touch of reality... 
even away from me...
in a world you had for yourself alone and no other.

a blissful illusion...a world of perfection.
calm...serene...idyllic...
yet untrue...for me at least.
it was a world you had created for yourself... for you to be in 
for you to love and to live...and for no other.

CHAOS.

CHAOS...
i call for order.... but who pays heed? None.
chaos in my mind....in my heart. Around me...all around i see....chaos.
confusion...disorder...anarchy.
emotions...thoughts...words....entangled! am still searching for a free end. i need to pull them apart.

CARNIVAL...
lights...sounds...music.....melody lost in the cacophony...
lost is all that were ever pleasant to the ears.
i call out...my voice loses iself in the crowd...
i reach out... but find none to hold.

CARE...
all that i may...
i cry out for order...who pays heed? None.
lost are the sights...sounds...n all...all that were ever pleasant to us.
i care....n so i still stay here, rooted to the spot... not swayed by the disorderly crowd... waiting...for the One.

CHAOS.

An Empty World

an empty world...a cry echoing through the darkness...
a gorge...emotions rushing through...falling into nothingness.
all that was...not is...will never ever be.
finality. the silent voices...the words that were left unspoken.
one cry...echoing still...
through the stillness of the night...
a cry of pain...a dagger running through the heart...
a pin piercing the soul...
an ache that is inhumanly blissful...
an anguish that has lived on...lived after life itself was extinguished.
the flame of remorse...still burns...burns bright
waiting to burn down everything that could have been...but never was.
a regret...an endless wait...
an eternity.
a thin line...invisible almost...life draws.

i had wanted...

time was not with me...
or perhaps the time was yours.

i had wanted to say so many things to you.
i had wanted to laugh once more.
i had wanted to remember those walks...
through the sunset in the busy city streets.
i had wanted to remember your smile...
i had wanted to hear you speak to me.
i would have had loved to watch you when you talked.
i had wanted to feel you...the warmth of your presence...
the feel of your touch.

its the same street today...the same sunset.
but this time, the time is mine.
i'm walking still...but walking alone.
no regrets...no wishes...no desire to know...
all i know is that i'm alive and i'm living...
you are somewhere, happy in your world.
perhaps, i dont remember you anymore.

-----------------

what ifs n if onlys...

Wanna share a story in the form of excerpts of some conversations.

[They both knew. but they never said. they were afraid...of themselves. they were weary of the shortcomings.

and lastly they both assumed that they would always be there...they both thought that they were irreplaceable.]

girl: hello! its me.

boy: yeah, say.
girl: er...i just called... how are you?
boy: am fine.
girl: you busy?
boy: no. say.
girl: oh! er...ok. er...am going home.
boy: when?
girl: the day after.
boy: ok.
girl: my parents...they...er...want me to meet someone.
boy: oh! (pause) i get it.
(pause...)
when will you return?
girl: depends...
boy: ok...gotta go.
girl: yeah...bye.
boy: bye.
girl: bye...


boy: hey! when are you returning?
girl: next week, i guess.
boy: how long does it take to meet someone, eh??
girl: met him yesterday. mom and dad...they like him a lot. they say, he's perfect for me...
(pause...)
boy: oh! er...ok. (pause) do you like him?
girl: he's a good person...qualification are good. good family. mom and dad like him...
boy: what about me?
girl: you?
boy: i mean, when do i get to meet him? wanna meet the one who's taking my Life away from me.
(pause...)
girl: oh! i...
boy: hey...tell me...am i a bit too late...
girl: if you had just told me earlier...i...you...
boy: never mind. just be happy...always...




THE END...??

Blissful Pain

A turbulence…an eerie silence amidst the storm…the eye.

Chaste.

A wait so long that time crawls slower than the breath escaping from the Soul…escaping to Eternity.

An infinite length of dark expanse…waiting…......no awaiting… desiring those that are not one’s own.

Burdened by Love…Despair strikes.

The sky swims in a blood red pool. 

Red? Perhaps the colour of Love… or perhaps the hue of the irreparable loss that gnaws the heart. Twisting the muscles so that every drop is wasted…and lost. A pain so pure that all Powers surrender to it.

It is cruel enough to engage you in a blissful delirium…senses are lost to emotions...perhaps forever. It never subsides 

and yet you smile.

The lone Light

11:59pm: an empty street...silence echoing through the Darkness...
                the lone street lamp at the far end of the road flickered and...
                finally gave up its battle to stay awake.
                all asleep...chilled by the already chilly night...
                senses had gone numb...and feelings were all frozen by the intense fog.
                cold...wrapped in a blanket...face barely visible in the light cast by the moon...walked a figure.
                a strange dampness enveloping the Soul...
                lone Warrior of Life...or perhaps a Survivor of Time...

                the silence had been broken...and the footsteps reverberated through the night...
                through the heart of the sleeping road... 
                senses could now feel...and every step had its perception.


12am:     we held hands...
               and, once again i was walking...
               walking along the road to Life...