a thought...a fear...and a wish



something strange has happened to me...something that i had not anticipated... n it happened rendering me expressionless...like never before. I dont know if my words are eloquent enough...i just wish to put this feeling aside and move on with life. am just, how do you say it...oh yes...spitting it out.


i had felt this way just once before in my life... at the school fest when i was barely 5yrs old. i had been holding onto my mother's hand...and suddenly she wasn't there. the fear...the panic...the emotions that had flooded my mind at that moment... the wish to scream out...call out to my mother... the urgent wish to be found... the desperation to hold my mom's hand again... to find my way back to safety... to find my way back into the world that promised solace... 
i've been feeling the same way lately. 
the irony is that am at home. my mom is here, with me...near me...ready to take me into her arms... then why...
why am i feeling this way? where is my world of solace...where?
i am not sure why am suddenly feeling this way. its strange...its weird...infact its very very unlike me to be so overwhelmed with emotions. very rarely do these things called emotions hijack my mind and heart this way...very rarely. and yet...now, its all there...overwhelming me...my entire thought process...over-ruling all logic and reason...
i wish i could comfort myself...give myself the peace that my heart is longing for...but... i have tried, and failed. i wish to find my world of peace...my world of solace. i need it just the way i need to breath to live... i need it to survive... i need to find it...to save myself. 

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maybe i feel this way for you. maybe it is you who am longing for. in my own strange way...maybe i perceive u as more of a parent to me than a friend. or perhaps, its just my strong desire to have you by my side...just that. there is no need to have any words between us... in any case i am not eloquent enough these days. and there is no need for you to talk. just be there...by my side. lets just walk together...side by side.
i wish to be a part, a happy part of your world... in silence shall i be if you would just let me in.
i may not have been the way you had wanted me to be...and you may want to leave. i pray, stay. 
if this was how it was going to be...why had you come at all? say? 
now that you are here, like a true friend, respect me...accept me with my faults.
i may not be perfect but i still am the same person you had know. 
the smiles the joys that we had shared were neither yours nor mine alone. 

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