2009 AD: A look back

its Christmas eve tonight...my first christmas eve without my Grandma....its my first Christmas Eve without a lot of things. but i have a lot more than what i've lost this year. My profits and savings count...not my losses.
still let me elaborate on both.
profit and savings first:
there are some people i need to thank. in fact 4 friends. without them i would have had successfully committed suicide(!!) this year.
Prantika...thank you for making me feel acceptable. i had lost faith in myself...n you know why. thank you for choosing me over others. you are the only person who has made me feel at home in my own room. Thank You.
Anirban...thank you for the very many things that you don't even know that you done for me..n i have no words to explain them to you. Thank you for being my friend and for introducing me to a gem, Praveen.
Praveen....thank you for making me feel happy. i wish i had a brother of my own like you. better still, i wish you were my own younger brother.
Sushmi...thank you, as always...for being by my side and kicking me hard whenever i reach the peak of sanity!! Insanity rocks! Thank you for everything Sush.

the year 2009 was a year of changes...of tears...that were wiped by more than one pair of hands. of joy shared by more than i can count. this was a year of friendship, of love...of bliss...of a happiness i'd long lost touch with.
2009 renewed my faith in life.
this year i am back in form...am my crazy self once again...no hypocrisy...no diplomacy.

few complaints....i would rather let them be. its better to bury them in this year and move ahead. its better not to remember how people you trust can turn selfish and purposefully take away from you what you truly deserve. its better not to remember how someone can shut their door on your face. its better not to knock on their door again. its better not to remember rude remarks from the people you considered friends. its better not to remember how they talk behind your back and apologise to you later only if you somehow get to know about it. its better to forget that they refuse to understand you and the reason why you do certain things. its better to forget if they suddenly avoid you. its better to forget and forgive.
Its Christmas...the season of love n joy. its the festival of giving without expecting to receive...
2010 is just a week away...a new year...its going to be a new beginning.
my prayer this Christmas
"Lord, bless the people around me. make their dreams come true. Bring to them joy, hope and love. Protect them from all harm. If they make a mistake forgive them and help them to forgive others' mistakes. Give them courage to face the truth. Walk with them. Hold their hands when they need You. Bless my friends. bless my family. bless the world. Lord, protect my happiness and its source.
Ahmen"

i miss you...

i really do...
i wish i could bring back those days...those moments that we spent together...
i wish i could bring back that afternoon when you and i followed a cute white kitten into the garden next door...and we tried to tame it...i'd so wanted that little pussy cat...and you helped me in my quest...little did i know that you were not helping me catch the kitten...you were helping me to learn how to chase my dreams... I havent forgotten that afternoon...i never will...
i wish i could still climb those stairs to the library...i wish i could sit next to the window infront of the arts bookshelf...i wish i could remind myself to be silent lest you get disburbed...and all the while you would sit just behind the bookshelf...pouring over those old hardcover reference books...absorbed in a world inhabited by shakespeare, elliot, keats, shelly and wordsworth...
i wish i could bring you both back...from a land i know not where...
i wish i could hold you in my arms and whisper in your ears those three word i've never told you before...
"i miss you"...

--dedicated to my Grandmother (didin) and one of my dearest teachers...my mentor, Ms Parveen.

Our Tryst with Destiny

"Long years ago we made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge......

At the stroke of midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance..."

-Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru (1st Prime Minister of India)



A chill runs down my spine every time i read this speech...the first time i read the oration in full was in class 12 when i was assigned the task of making this speech at the Independence Day celebration in my school... when i made the speech that day infront of the entire school and others guests...i understood the speech in the whole...i realised the sentiments behind it....the blood shed, the love, the patriotism....the feeling of belonging...i realised what it meant to be free...i realised our Tryst with Density...

imagine the night of 14th August 1947...the anticipation...the excitement...

my late grandma was just 10 then...even after so many years she could always clearly recall the very first independent day that India lived in after 100 years of struggle... that night... "at the stoke of midnight hour"...fireworks commemorated the birth of free India...

63 years...not a short time....we've already crossed the half century mark...but have we...ever tried to realise our independence? have we really been able to be free?? r we not still bounded by imperialistic thoughts...?? we may be a secular democratic socialist republic...but are we not still dependent on the System?? ask yourself this question..."Am i free?"

thoughts are still bounded...so are visions...aspirations are confined to the Colonies of Dream...our world is still bounded by "narrow domestic walls" of communalism!! regionalistic ideas...and manipulative political schemes for the achievement of personal glorification...has still not brought us the peace and security that should come with independent existance...

why do people from developed countries call us third-world?? why are we still "developing" and not "developed"?? why do we Indians still criticise India...why are we still dissatisfied with ourselves and our country?? why do we look down upon our fellow Indians? why are we harassed in the name of religion? why do we fight over issues in the name of God and land, and make them issues of national importance? why do we not give breathing space to all cultures? why cant we be independent? where is our freedom?


That night, Nehru had said," The future beckons us. Whither do we go and what shall be our endeavour?...... We have hard work ahead. There is no resting for any one of us till we redeem our pledge in full, till we make all the people of india what destiny intended them to be..."



The pledge has not yet been redeemed in full...the struggle for true independence still continues...within us...from us...and by us...

Jai Hind.

first steps first...

human beings have a tendency of being inspired... the source of inspiration may vary but the desire to be inspired is common to all....

the source from which i derive my inspiration is my school...Loreto Day School, Bowbazar....Kolkata-12...

situated right in the centre of the city...with College Street running alongside it...its the most beautiful place on earth for me...

the hustle bustle in the busy central streets...the hand-pulled rickshaws...uniformed students carrying heavy bags....the regular prayers at Firingi Kalibari...the metro...the book stores offering the widest range of books...and last but not the least...my favourite Coffee House....

6.30am...mom would make sure i was up and getting ready for school...7.20am...my grandma would open the main gate and keep watch...thanks to her i never missed my school-bus...not even once!! 7.45am...i'll be sitting beside my best friend...off to start a new day at school...

whatever i am today is all 'cause of my Alma mater...my school. I'm proud to bear "Loreto's flag in the sunny days of youth"..."high ideals of purity, of duty and of truth..." that my school gave me transformed me from a shy little girl to a confident young lady...ready to face the challenges of the world.

i was a totally different person upto class 6...extremely shy...timid...scared of everyone and everything...

but January 24th 2001 saw the biggest transformation in me! it was during the Investiture ceremony...when the school council members for that academic year took their oaths...i promised myself....i vowed to be a part of the council...and i promised to change myself...i promised to turn my dream into reality...!!

that shy girl....who used to hesitate before uttering a single word...became the most talkative person in school...so much so that teachers decided to appoint her class monitor...from class monitor to house vice captain...then house captain...then school captain...

i still remember the day i was selected council member from Red House(St. Teresa)...the best day of my life...and the days that followed were the most precious days ever!!

the last two years were no less eventful...it was during this time that i learnt what the real world was like...a small glimpse into the System structure made me realise the greatest flaws in our world...in our lives...it was during this time that i became disillusioned...disheartened...n disturbed...

but the friendship and love around me woke me up from my nightmares and brought me back into my world...and taught me to live again...

ok...am here again...

hmmm....to be frank the blogging keera has bitten me quite badly....n mind u i hate keeras(esp ants....am allergic to 'em)....

whole evening i sat thinking what i was going to post next. for an introvert like me...blogging is a boon. it feels like i've found my voice at last...am ready to tell the world what i feel....i'm ready to express my thoughts....i'm ready to share my views and opinions.........and that's something i'v rarely done before!

the day i learnt to frame meaningful sentences in english, my grandma presented me with a notebook...she told me to keep a journal....she wanted me to create a store-house of memory for myself... my grandma...she's not with me now...but i still have her memories stored away safely in my journals...she still lives in those pages of my life...n she will live on till the ink fades away and the pages turn yellow with age and slowly turn to dust. 

i love u didin (grandma)...

that's how it all began and i started writing....my first poem was about a butterfly....i dont remember the lines...n i dont have the notebook with me...(some notoriously jealous and unstable 'friend' of mine made sure that i never got to know what happened to it)....i may have lost the notebook to fate but i still had the art in me....n so i kept filling page after page with poetry....stories....essays...and personal notes.....