realisations...

i used to think that i can survive alone. the word "lonely" had a very
different meaning in my dictionary...to me it was synonymous to freedom. to me, being "alone" was being independent.
to me, my decision was the last word. i could consider other's views but the final decision was always mine.
the only two people who had (and still have) the right to veto my decisions were my parents. i'd never given anyone as much importance as that i'd given my parents...and i never will. being alone gave me the freedom to carry out my decisions and plans into action. not allowing me to exercise my free will was like intruding in my personal world. a crime i can neither forgive nor forget. in short, i loved being alone...cut off from the rest of the world...
it is perhaps because of this habit of mine that i have so very few close friends. i'm very careful with the people around me. i value trust most in the world...
if anyone breaks my trust he/she loses my faith in him/her forever...i do not disregard the person totally or misbehave or ignore them...i just don't trust them any more. in my eyes breaking some one's trust is the worst crime a human can commit.
but things are changing...ever since i started staying in the hostel my outlook changed. hostel is a completely different world...with so many people from so many different places with so many different cultures coming together to live under one roof...
i've realised that no human can be true to another human...deceit and treachery are the two most common features of the human race.
so if i wanted to cut myself off from people who betray me...i would actually have to renounce the whole world!!
that meant that i would have to survive completely by myself...as a single friendless (no matter how fake human friendship be) soul...hated by all...ignored by all! i tried living the way i used to and failed...i realised that to live in this unfaithful world i would have let go of the life i'd created for myself...i would have to accept the world as it is...i would have to accept the unreal reality around me. i would have to learn to pretend to be like them all... i cannot be lonely... i have to accept company...
with my changing ideas i'm changing too...for better or for worse i do not know...i'm learning to pretend...i'm learning to value company and companionship.
i'm learning to be passive...

Comments

  1. Well, loneliness is not a crime. I believe a person should be capable of adapting to any circumstance, good or bad, with a positive outlook. And he/she should avoid lamenting over the past.

    'i've realised that no human can be true to another human...deceit and treachery are the two most common features of the human race.'

    This reminds me of my most fav. quote, 'If there is Evil in this World, it lies within the Heart of Mankind.'

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  2. Its true and fearful what you say.....I have faced the same thing over and over again.....The people whom you help out so much thinking that they are your true friends and when they betray you, you feel your world crashing down to pieces....It's really hard to take and dissolve, Agnit.
    ( Check out my blog: agnit.wordpress.com)

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  3. @agnit i know...its possibly the worst possible feeling in the world...the feeling of being betrayed!

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