wanna feel...wanna heal...

This is something i realised today. This is probably a result of me keeping myself shut up for years. The only one i've ever opened my heart out to is my best friend...the inanimate diary page! But ever since i stopped writing diary i've stopped sharing my true world with anyone. And, now i  have kind of stopped emoting altogether. Seriously! The emotions that you see in me are mostly superficial. I  hardly ever feel anything. It has been like this for a real long time. But today it sort of started hurting me. This painlessness also hurts you know! I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt myself so much that i cry...that's another problem of mine...i cannot cry. I want my tears back...i want to feel. I want to be truly happy. I want to feel joy. I want to be human. Am just so very tired of being strong. I'm tired of shielding myself from the emotions i long to feel!
What is it that stops me from opening myself up to anyone? Perhaps i can never trust anyone with the complete truth...perhaps i'm scared of sharing my weakness with anyone, lest its taken advantage of. Perhaps am scared of myself and my own feelings... Frankly, i do not know the answer.
There was one very special feeling...and it was not just a feeling...it was bliss. And, recently, i realised that i cannot feel that way any more. It was a feeling that i had been feeling for the last 10yrs but suddenly something strange happened. I lost it! I miss not being able to feel it. It's one feeling i thought i could live my entire life with...and now...
What's happening to me?

i wanna feel...i wanna heal...like am close to something real...