Finality

am standing at the edge....shall fall.
the last few moments...
remembering the rest.
moments...priceless ones...
sweet fond memories...memories of mirth...of joy...
moments...priceless yet painful...
memories that i can never let go...nor can i live with anymore.
memories that were never meant to be mine...
moments...lost forever.

am standing....and my life flashes by...
the walk in the garden...my tiny hand holding the guiding finger.
the ride on my tiny tricycle...
the maths book....with sums incomplete...
the certificates...the smiles...
the hope to reach the skies...

there was u....me...us...together.
friends...laughter...tears....
happiness...the wonder years...

u left....and so did they...
slowly...gradually...finally they were all gone.

am standing...alone...
at the edge of this new world...
a new realm lies beneath me...
a world where pain ceases forever...
a world where there are no u-s n me-s.
a black abyss... pulling me towards itself...
the pull ever so strong.
i stand at the edge...about to fall.

balance...changes...practicality...time...peace

and i could keep writing today...hour after hour...all though the day...all through the night.
haven't had a proper stable normal conversation with anyone in ages. not that its anything unusual...its normal for me. am essentially am introvert. very few people know exactly what i am all about. and trust me...most of the people who claim that they know me...are utterly mistaken.
still...there are some who do understand me... n its weird but true that most of them are not the people i had ever been very close to....(ok i confess i haven't really been very close to many)...somehow they understand me more than those with whom i may have spent my entire life (till date of course).
its not that the people who know me dont understand me...quite a few of them do....but most dont. n i dont blame them for it. come on...its hard to know a person fully. human beings are complicated creatures.

i love typing away on the keyboard...without worrying as to who will read this or what they'll think about it. this is my blog....this blog is about me... n i will do exactly what my heart asks me to.
having spent quite a large part of my lifetime in doing what pleases others....and then another small part in doing what my heart desires....am now in a mood to balance the two.
trust me...blogging keeps me strong...mentally of course!!

a long list of complaints....one by me and the other against me. n the world changes. changes....they are required...n these changes should be incorporated happily into our personal world! am ready for changes and i hope to see changes being incorporated elsewhere too. i can see changes elsewhere...n am trying real hard to bring changes in myself as well.

practicality. maybe am a bit too practical. i judge every situation in the light of practicality...n then comes in the adversity...emotions! why on earth can emotions not be practical?
being practical has made me lose enough...maybe i will lose a lot more...
but here too i will keep trying....n am trying hard to balance the two...
just need a little cooperation from the surroundings.

i was told...time is of essence...time will heal all...time will put things right...
am impatient...and am restless... because of the lack of certainty in my life.
i trust time...i know it has healing powers...it has the power to change night into day and day into night... i know time is important everywhere for everyone... but i am still restless...i know not why.

i lack inner peace... i miss the feeling of bliss that once dominated my world...n that "once" was not very long ago.

am hopeful.

happiness...assurance...alone

a tiny flicker of light...in a world full of darkness and gloom...
a gust of wind...and the light is gone.
this is happiness. it was here now....n now itself the happiness was gone!

i guess everyone's life is strange in some way or the other....n mine is no exception.
its just that strange is a bit too strange for me.
i wish for constants...n my life remains surrounded by variables.
i desire certainty...an assurance that there is someone or something that i can rely on...fall back on when nobody or nothing is there for me. but every time i come close to this assurance...i get lost. i lose myself in a strange darkness where am all alone... n if am lucky i manage to find my way out...but i remain alone with no certainty, no assurance that all is going to be well. i know nothing can be well all through but its that assurance that matters. it gives hope...n the strength to go on.
i just wish for these words..."don't worry. everything is going to be fine."

i miss my parents and home a lot these days. i miss the feeling of belonging that i associate with my home.
life at hostel is beautiful. my friends are Angels....had it not been for them i would have not managed to live through the darkest phases of my life. they are the assurance that i have here...  their touch...their look...they way they hug me when i have tears in my eyes n then softly whisper in my ears those three magical words... "all izz well".
i fear how i will manage once am outside...away from them all... with them busy in their lives where will i find my assurance.
its true...Rons and Hermiones do exist... i have many around me!

n yet...i dread being alone. "alone" is a thought that kills me...
not fully maybe...but yes...i am human after all.

A Blissful Illusion

the pages lay on the floor....torn....tattered...
i had torn them off.... erased the words they carried...they lay scattered....
the innumerable pieces of my heart.
tiny words...singled out...lay all by themselves.
the dotted "i"-s... and the crossed out "me"-s...the rest were "you"-s...
a collage of feelings...of thoughts unexpressed.
thoughts, that could have made their way to your heart...
my thoughts....right from the start...
you would have heard me...if only...
if you had been there...

lost you were in a world where i was not the person i knew to be me...
lost you were in a world you thought was yours forever to keep.
lost you were...ever so deep...
away from bricks and mortar... away from the smell of fresh leaves...
away from the touch of reality... 
even away from me...
in a world you had for yourself alone and no other.

a blissful illusion...a world of perfection.
calm...serene...idyllic...
yet untrue...for me at least.
it was a world you had created for yourself... for you to be in 
for you to love and to live...and for no other.

A Personal Note

am back with a personal note...after a long time.
and this has been a tough year...drastically different from the last.
last year...post April almost the entire year was happy. yes...there were smiles all around...there was hope...there were dreams....n there was Happiness! yet...i remember...on the very last day...an strange n unknown fear had gripped me. i had this weird feeling....a feeling that i was going to lose everything that makes me ME.

yes...i know, nothing lasts forever. and yes...my happiness is highly volatile!

a major part of this year, 2010, was shrouded in negativity. be it the people in my life or be it me. most of the things had a grey touch to them...the hue closer to the darker shade.

lost a lot of things...lost people close to my heart. i even lost a part of me.

i did earn the love of many....
there were innumerable emotional moments... i was deeply touched by the concern and care that my friends showered me with!! love them all!
but yes....i also lost the love of those who mean a lot to me.

i had already started defining my life in newer terms. i had started setting new dimensions to it. n i experimented with myself ...n my feelings. but none worked well enough to cease the pain that was building up within me.

and then came November. it was my favourite month last year....n this year...i'll be glad if i can manage to somehow survive through it.
if this is how things were always supposed to be....then why on earth did God bless me with Happiness last year?
2010 was full of expectations....all broken into pieces in the course of time.
misunderstandings...lack of communication...and silence... they ruined  everything.
and before i could gather the broken pieces and try my hand at fixing them...they were gone...

am still waiting...i hope i will be able to mend myself in some way. they say am strong...when i know i am not. but i can build a shield around me...a fortress. i can preserve what i have left. n i will wait till i have the rest.

Happy Diwali!!!!

Light....enlighten the Mind...
fire...purify the Soul
let the Bright engulf the Dark...
May the Light reach you all.

Happy Diwali!