Sunday, November 29, 2009

The 3 Idiots



an evening out with friends followed by a crazy music n adda session with Nilakshi and Apurba on the college stage...with hot coffee and blood thirsty mosquitoes to keep us company...

Another Page from My Diary

29th nov '09


Finally! Finally...I've gathered enough courage today to speak my heart out...uncensored!

well well well...i guess all firsts are precious...
My first home, my first school (Olympus, north kolkata), my first best friends (a boy who had great toys but would never let me touch them, unfortunately i've forgotten his name), Oindrilla...Sushmi. My first day in my first drawing school...my first crush (lasted for a long time!)...my first day in Loreto...
Like all other firsts my first college life (considering that i go for higher studies) is also very special...My first friend in BCET, Puja (met her at WBJEE counselling)...my first day in college and hostel...my first room mate, Nilakshi...my first hostel meal...my first class (physics, NM ma'am)...
 A typical College life is supposed to be fun...dancing around trees, lazying around the campus, bunking classes...being the coolest(or hottest!!) person around...basically typical masala type Bollywood stuff! but in reality its very different. you do get to enjoy life in college (specially if you are away from home) but you also learn a lot.
My biggest lesson was the lesson of adjustment and learning to compromise. I made mistakes...got severely misunderstood and misinterpreted. i got rejected...for being who i am...i was accused of pretending...of being fake. Who in the world wants to be rejected...to prevent it i started pretending!
Gradually this pretence started annoying me...and i actually cut myself off from the others. i was tired of life...of the people around me! i wanted a friend but had none. i was tired of oscillating between my real self and the emotionless, practical Sayani that i'd created within myself to shield myself from the world. the worst...well...my trust was brutally betrayed...beyond repair (or so i had thought at that time).
But i guess every dark cloud does have a silver lining...gradually i started getting back my life. i found friends...some old...and some new. My new friends gave my life a new dimension....a new beginning!
And on 27th Nov '09...i realised that i've fallen in love.Yes...am in love. I'd never though that this would actually happen to me..but yes, am in love. Am not in love with any person...am in love with my life...am in love with this place...am in love with this college...am in love with my friends...i love the green grass that grows here on the campus. i love the glass windows and white walls of the buildings here. i love the chilled wind that blows past me...
am in love.
all my pain has vanished only to be replaced with happiness...though slightly tinged with sorrow. For my days here are numbered...just one and a half years are left...........but yeah! am sure, we, this place and i, will be able to  maintain a successful long distance relationship...
Am sure gonna miss this place and my life here!
guess am getting a bit too emotional...better not let it get better of me...better end this post here.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Walk to Remember...

It was a long walk up and down the road leading to and from my college...all alone, for the first time. The winter evening was ever so beautiful...
The shops on either side of the road were slowly opening for the evening customers. The most popular road-side shop, the Roll Stall was already preparing the first batch of rolls for the evening! i went up to Roll-kaku, ordered the three rolls I'd been instructed to bring back to the hostel....and continued my walk through the gradually darkening road.
Earlier, in the afternoon, my dad had called to say that my ATM card problem has been solved. So, I decided to check it...and draw out some money as well (fed up of my bankrupt state!!).
So, i began my evening stroll...my favourite music playing on my phone...headphone plugged into my ears....
the starlit blue-gradually-turning-black sky was gladly accompanying me on my walk... and the moon, peeping from behind the shadows...was keeping a watch on me as i enjoyed my lazy stroll.
This place, this road, this college...the last two and a half years of my life...this is now my world. my life now revolves around this place and the people here. My heart used to belong to Kolkata...but now, i've divided it into two...one is in the hustle bustle of the ever-busy City of Joy...the other, in this quite steel city...the place that is so very close to me now. Perhaps its because of the people i've known here and loved. My "college life" is here...the cafeteria adda...the classes...the library....the net lab...the panchvatika...the friends!! everything is here.
two and a half years of my four years here is already over. 2009...another year is coming to a close....and so is my college life............just one and a half years more...after that, i'll never be able to take this walk, there will never be such roll orders...no calls from dad telling me that he's sorted out the ATM problem and no bankrupt me running to the ATM for money(no guarantee for this though)...
life will be different...a lot different from what it is today.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Page from My Diary

21st Nov '09:  9:30pm

Am sitting on the edge of the terrace... the endless blue black sky above spreading its starless cover over me...the coldest wind of the season is blowing across my face...am shivering.
Perhaps, I should have worn my blue sweater...or at least brought a shawl with me. But the night is just so beautiful...I don't really mind shivering in the cold wind! I had come to the terrace to get away from the others. The sadness, the grief, the mourning...the common emotions of the human soul...the inherent feeling of care and concern...i wanted to get away from it all.
Here on the terrace i find peace. The cold wind freezes the flow of my thoughts and  emotions and a strange calmness spreads over me.
I've been visiting the terrace regularly for the last three days and tonight i'd actually planned on studying here. I had brought my Industrial Instrumentation-II book with me. I opened the book and started reading but then...the wind came again...freezing me...I put down the book after marking the page I'd been reading...

Am used to being alone but have never found such joy in solitude before. Is it the night? or the stars? it is the calmness and the peace? or is it the cold wind that's blowing around me, making me shiver? what is it that is giving such profound joy? is it me, or is it all in my mind?

Mythical madness!!

Am tired. Wherever I go I hear people talking about just one thing, "2012". Not just the movie...people are talking about the year 2012. Just the other day a friend of mine expressed her concern for the future of our world and it goes without saying that she'd gone to see the movie (and had entered the theatre 1 hour late!!).
well, just for the record, I've been getting offers to watch 2012 myself but due to acute shortage of funds (my ATM is blocked...no idea why or how!!) i have not been able to watch it yet.
Anyway, this entire concept of world destruction is well...i think, totally bogus! And trust me i'm saying this after researching this topic on the net. I've checked wiki and NASA reports and they all say the same thing: the world is not going to end in 2012. its a baseless rumour! the reasons cited by various sites are pretty weird. For example some mathematicians have calculated and predicted earth's destruction in 2012, or that the Bible and other religious books say so. The weirdest and most misinterpreted reason is the Mayan Calender. It is supposed to have predicted this destruction eras ago! This sort of mass misinterpretation of information is creating a panic among the masses. Is this necessary?
A friend's kid sister came up with an unique solution...according to her we should experience whatever we want to in these few years...kya pata 2013 ho na hoo!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Intensity

DISCLAIMER: ok chill...am totally sane...no matter how weird this poem may sound am just fine. all's well with me! i don't even remember when and why i wrote this poem. found it in the 'my documents' folder today and posted it here...am absolutely fine!!




INTENSITY
When pain reaches its zenith and the isolation is complete
When the soul stops begging for mercy and surrenders to the anguish inside
When the light dims and the eyes get accustomed to the overwhelming darkness
When all senses numb and even the slightest sensation invites intense pain
When touch pricks like a sharp ended needle and tears dry in the heat of despair
When words are lost to ever entangling fetters of sorrow and life translates to death
When even the most soul wrenching cry becomes inaudible and the blood boils within
When the world closes itself before the eyes of the sufferer and blocks all its gates
Then my heart burns in the fire
Tortured by myself…
Pained by me…
And in the fire of Hell my blood boils…
To satisfy the ache within.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

wanna feel...wanna heal...

This is something i realised today. This is probably a result of me keeping myself shut up for years. The only one i've ever opened my heart out to is my best friend...the inanimate diary page! But ever since i stopped writing diary i've stopped sharing my true world with anyone. And, now i  have kind of stopped emoting altogether. Seriously! The emotions that you see in me are mostly superficial. I  hardly ever feel anything. It has been like this for a real long time. But today it sort of started hurting me. This painlessness also hurts you know! I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt myself so much that i cry...that's another problem of mine...i cannot cry. I want my tears back...i want to feel. I want to be truly happy. I want to feel joy. I want to be human. Am just so very tired of being strong. I'm tired of shielding myself from the emotions i long to feel!
What is it that stops me from opening myself up to anyone? Perhaps i can never trust anyone with the complete truth...perhaps i'm scared of sharing my weakness with anyone, lest its taken advantage of. Perhaps am scared of myself and my own feelings... Frankly, i do not know the answer.
There was one very special feeling...and it was not just a feeling...it was bliss. And, recently, i realised that i cannot feel that way any more. It was a feeling that i had been feeling for the last 10yrs but suddenly something strange happened. I lost it! I miss not being able to feel it. It's one feeling i thought i could live my entire life with...and now...
What's happening to me?

i wanna feel...i wanna heal...like am close to something real...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Random thoughts...

all right...this is perhaps my weird-est post ever...
and yeah...my mood is off...am sort of depressed and i need to take this out of my system...as soon as possible...so here i go.
well, its 0040hrs...and here i am trying to figure out what exactly am doing...the obvious answer is that am blogging. but perhaps the question searches for an answer that requires a deeper analysis...
i'd started blogging cause i wanted to be heard. i had taken up blogging to express myself, my thoughts, my beliefs...and my dreams...
but am i doing that? i feel that most of the time when i write i generally just blabber on and on and on...or dont i? i dunno!! do i make any sense?? is there anyone who wishes to read what i write? is there anyone who would want to know about me and my life? who would want to know me? who would want to read a 20 yr old's views and opinions?? i dont know....
in general...in life...what have i done? what is my significance? do i matter at all?? what is my purpose in life? why am i here? and back to the first question...what am i exactly doing?....i dont know...
so many questions....i wish i had the answers....

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Photo - synthesis




I took this snap around two weeks ago on my 1.3 megapixel phone cam (wish i had my digi cam with me)...I'd walked out of the hostel with two friends to explore the Steel City...and trust me, the natural beauty of the city held me spell-bound...  


Bloggers Workshop n its after-effects

The event:



Me at the worshop...discussing my blog Sa'matri'yoni

   


The effect:
The workshop's over but the hangover remains. The most obvious after-effect is the curiosity and interest it has generated among the students regarding blogging and the web in general. In the last few days I've come across at least a dozen people who've asked me about the workshop, about blogging and some have even contributed traffic to my blog....yay!! its great to see how successful the Workshop actually was...rather is! And the interest it has generated among students who hadn't even attended the workshop is really commendable.
trust me, it feels great to have been a part of this entire thing!! Just one regret....why are my eyes closed in this pic........?!!?

Monday, November 2, 2009

BCET BLOGGERS WORKSHOP: 31/10/09





It all began with an idea...an idea that was to revolutionise the way BCET thinks...it was an idea that was to pave the way for an association that BCET is going to remember in the years to come. It was the simple idea of bringing together college bloggers under one roof...on a single platform...that transformed into the BCET Bloggers Workshop.

BCET Bloggers workshop was organised on 31st October 2009, in the Management Block of Bengal College of Engineering and Technology, in association with WebReps.in  and Softz Solutions.
And needless to say, it was a huge success!!
We kind of started late...we, the organisers, Anirban (this entire thing is originally his idea), Praveen, me and the others, predictably had a lot of running around to do and yeah...had a lot of phone calls to make as well. Finally, after donating precious phone balance to this noble cause, we started at around 11:30am.
Attendance was good. Students from reputed institutions in as well as outside Durgapur participated with great eagerness and enthusiasm.We discussed blogging, monetizing, tweeting, etc, etc, etc................
And as far as WebReps.in is concerned....they were simply super cool!! The interaction was seriously interactive and fun...it was just awesome...thanks to all the WebReps.in members for making this workshop such a huge success! These guys sure know how to capture and retain the attention and interest of 20-something yr old students!!
Well, all in all...it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience...learnt a lot...had a lot of fun...and yes missed classes, some even missed tests. But seriously, it was all worth it!!

Clockwork

To be able to reach out. To want to know. Somewhere lost in the crowd. Alone and scared. Looking for a way to make it seem worth the whil...