Bon Voyage: 1st May 2011

Bon Voyage... 1st May 2011...the day our juniors bid us adieu officially...

some moments from our farewell party!
thank you junies...will miss u all a lot....

these four years were beautiful...friendship...joy...laughter...tears...pagalpanti.... shall miss these days... we are at the very edge now...but we are resolute...shall forever be in touch...*no tears...only smiles*

some penultimate moments...

our last few treats, trips and parties.... of the four beautiful years now only 52 days remain!
lets live them!!  :-)  #college_hostel_life

"yuhi kat jayega safar saath chalne se....k manzil ayegi nazar saath chalne se...."

In Silence

"...sometimes my heart wishes that i could have been there... held ur hand...walked with you through the darkness...dispersing it as we walked towards light, together... but then i wake up...it was all a dream... a sudden rush of cold wind...the first drops of rain... but of this dream much more than just memories will remain... " 


i have a silent prayer...and i still pray...


...a silent tear drop runs down my cheek...every time i remember you. i wake up...in the middle of the night...when memories pierce my heart like arrows from the quiver...piercing my soul. i wake up silently shrieking in pain.
you were here...with me...moments ago. and now you are gone. am standing still. shards of my broken heart scattered all around.


i start walking again...silently...for no ears love my pain. silent...i keep walking.
i cross the narrow forest path...the hills and the lanes. the highways come and go. 
at every new step, a new smile greets me.. every few steps, love and care awaits me. i smile for those who wait for me at every step... their hands on my shoulder...the concern in their eyes.. i will live for them, for they give me life.
i feel free...there is nothing left to lose. its just me now...nothing left to save...nothing new to dream of... nothing new left to say. i live as life moves on. a new adventure...a brand new quest to complete...my life makes me live!


and you...
i just have this much to say...as long as i keep walking...remember, somewhere there is this someone who silently prays for you. to this someone only your happiness matters...nothing else. when you are in pain...it hurts her even more. for the sake of those numerous happy memories shared...please be happy.... and i promise...i shall forever pray for you...till the setting sun takes me away.

the Sunset in the Fall...and my Flight with the Fairies.

it was sunset...i was walking
an autumn evening...
into the horizon...alone...
i was walking...
the hand that had held mine was lost...
the maple leaves blew around me...and some lay trodden beneath my feet...
into the golden horizon...i was walking...

barren trees...the Fall is here.
between two rises...the sun was setting.
the golden hue would soon transform itself into Darkness...
i was alone...and i was walking...
silence all around...save the soft whistle of the blowing wind...
and the crisp crunches of the dry leaves on the ground...
towards the horizon i walked...alone...

an emptiness...the silence...innumerable images...
am alone...the hand that was in mine...lost.
the stars shone...the moon lit up the night.
Light descended...silvery...smooth to the touch...
my fingers found a hand...or perhaps there were many...
the Light filled me through...
the sudden brilliance was almost blinding...
the soft touch of assurance was back...more loving...more caring...
my eyes saw through the brilliance...Fairies in the moonlight.
Elegance...and smiles...
they held my hand...and gave me wings.
i was flying with them...
o're mystery lands...over the autumn...over the Fall...
flying...over the horizon...
into the realm of Calm and Peace. 

a story and a few questions

Once upon a time, there was a Someone. let us assume that this Someone was a "he".
he wanted to make it big in the world...he wanted to be reckoned with...and most of all he wanted a Name.
A Name that would be his own. A Name that would give him an identity...all he desired was individuality.
He loved to write. He was good at it. Infact, so much so that a few of his writings found place in some of the best editorials in the country. But then...he did not become a writer. he realised that writing will not be able to bring to him the name and the fame that he desired. he left this life...he left his love. He went away in search of Gold. the Gold Rush was on. and he worked tirelessly for his prize. all day he searched for the Gold...and at nights he sat planning his next move. which way down the hill is the Gold mine...which way? He was hardworking. and he kept trying. he searched the entire land...the whole territory. he tried several means to get to his Gold. he put in tireless effort...at times he would feel that this was not meant for him...this was not what his life was meant to be. this was not what he was meant to be. but he remained focussed on his goal. and then one day...he found his prize. the Gold lay gleaming before his eyes. he bent down to pick it up. in his hands the Gold shone like the Sun...he had emerged victorious. he was happy.


then he returned... with hopes and dreams of starting afresh. he started writing again but....his time was now gone. he had quit his destiny is search of something that was not meant for him. he had left keeping his love and life at stake...hoping that it will stay till he returned. he had left his life the day he had begun his quest...and when he returned...all was lost. his pen still carved letters but in his poetry...the rhyme was lost. papers lay stacked on the table...most of them untouched. whatever he wrote he felt that it was not upto the mark. he scratched out line after line...word after word... till he realised what all he had lost.
The Gold remained...locked safely in the locker...and the floor remained scattered with torn pieces of paper. the words that did not rhyme anymore...and the sentences all refused to make sense.


but there was his Gold...gleaming...bright...lustrous. his prize.
he was sitting at the foot of his bed...his pen in his hand...



the above story is based on an observation by a friend who had said... "Good time will come...one day you will be free from all hardships and all pain...but am afraid, maybe by that time a lot may be already lost..."
the statement made can be interpreted in many ways.
Failed personal dreams in attempts to live up to the expectations of the World. 
It may even be applicable in cases of failed relationships.
it may be true in several cases.


Where is the balance in life? Is life not worth taking risks with? some risks may be too costly though... but then where's the fun without some excitement, some adventure? is adventure necessary at the stake of everything we love and everyone we care for? can we not come to a balance? are extremes necessary?


so many questions...
answers...i know none.


lemme ask YOU.....what do you think?

(....Idea by Avishek Roy )

The Moon is Beautiful Tonight!

also read ..."A page from my diary"  (this is the post that i have referred to in this post)


the moon is beautiful tonight! it has probably never been prettier. the cool breeze blowing is taking me back to that evening on the small terrace in my old hostel...sometime in 2009, in November. me sitting with my Diary...alone. the cool breeze making me shiver...
the Diary no longer exists...nor do the feelings. it would be unfair to say that the feelings have all ceased to exist...its just that they have changed. my life has changed...in several ways.
yet, some things always remain unchanged. i had been relishing solitude that night...and these last two evenings i have been doing the same.
the moon is beautiful tonight...prettier than it ever was.
the cool breeze is still blowing through my hair...am shivering. its not the cold...its something else. a different emotion altogether...somewhat alien yet not completely unknown.
tonight, am rewriting the story of my life.
some emotions are not meant for me...and some are completely outside my personal emotional boundary. for me, life remains practical as long as i remain emotionally detached from the intricateness of the human mind. but...there was this one time that i had become emotional...n i had almost lost the most valuable thing that i'd ever possessed...my peace of mind.
Am not Saintly...but its true that i can never be possessive...am not familiar with envy either. the only thing that matters to me is uncomplicated love... where, we know that there is someone we can forever fall back on...where, we know that if our steps falter, someone will catch us before we fall. someone we can trust...someone who will hold our hand when even tears fail to relieve us from intense pain.
i have this love. the touch of a dear friend...the concern of a brother...the caring and loving hand on my head... the entire feeling of being loved...it feels beautiful! as beautiful as the moon tonight.
i love this emotion that connects two souls together.
Love is about being together...may not be in person but being there always...mentally. Love is that touch that assures you that you are not alone. be it a friend...be it a sister...be it a brother... be it your parents...or be it your Mentor. Love is a feeling to cherish...its the foundation of every human relationship. if there is no love...there can never be friendship. Love is that respect that one has for the other...love is the worry and anxiety that one feels for the other...love is that feeling of protectiveness that shields those being loved. Love is a blessing...infact it is a dual blessing, it blesses the one that loves and also the one who is being loved.


there is pain...even in love. the pain of watching our loved ones suffer...love pains when the ones you love are in pain. Love also pains when it remains unappreciated and unrequited. Love pains when silence kills it slowly. Love pains when the poison of indifference gnaws the hearts that love. Love pains when it is killed for selfish reasons...and Ego buries it. Love pains when one-sided compromises and adjustments become mere sacrifices that hold no meaning in the eyes of the one being loved. Love pains when neglected.
Having felt the pain...having been through the indifference...having lived through compromises... i believe, Love is true only when the feeling lives on even after the person has left. the object of love may not remain the same...but the believe in Love still remains.
i still believe in Love... for i still believe in the Angels and the Fairies that visit me in my dreams!
Love pains...but it also loves. and because it loves it gives us the strength to live. it gives us hope...and dreams. Love in any form is beautiful...just like the cool breeze blowing outside... just like the beauty of the moon, radiant in the light of Love!

"Sakhi, bhabona kahare bole? Sakhi, jatona kahare bole?

Tomra je bolo dibosho-rajoni 'bhalobasha, bhalobasha'...

Sakhi, bhalobasha kare koye?! Sakhi keboli jatonamoy.

Sheki keboli chokher jal? Sheki keboli dukher swaas?

Loke tobe kore ki sukheri tore, emon dukhero aash.

Aamar chokhe to shokoli sobhon,

Shokoli nobeen, shokoli bimol, shunil akash, shyamolo kanon,

Bishod jyochhona, kusumo komol - shokol amari moton tara. 

Keboli hanshe, keboli gaye, hanshiya, kheliya morite chaye -

Najane bedon, najane radon, najane shader jatona joto.

Phul se haanshitey haanshitey jhore, jyochhona hanshiya milaye jaay,

Hanshite hanshite alokshagore akasher taara teyage kaaye.

Aamar moton sukhi ke aache. Aaye sakhi aaye, aamar kaache -

Sukhi hridoyer sukher gaan suniya toder jurabe pran.

Protidin jodi kandibi kebol ek din noye haanshibi tora -

Ek din noye bishado bhuliya shokole miliya gahibo mora.

Bhabona kahare bole. Sakhi, jatona kahare bole.

Tomra je bolo dibosho-rajoni 'bhalobasha, bhalobasha' -

Sakhi, bhalobasha kare koye! Sakhi keboli jatonamoy..."

~~Rabindranath Tagore

3rd Feb 2011...my 22nd B'day!

This was one of my best birthdays ever...honestly!!

the midnight party at hostel...will miss it next year...and in the years to come. this was my last birthday in college.

Blowing out all 22 candles that were placed in the corridor was fun...i had to literally crawl on the floor to manage this feat...from the room where i had been locked in, while the others were busy with the decorations, to my room where the party was to be held! the party with my friends at City Centre (dgp) was awesome...the treat was @KFC...had always wanted to celebrate my bday there...n this time my wish came true! all in all it was a fantastic day!

met Praveen_bhai...and that as usual made me extra happy!! missed a few old friends...Sushmi, specially!! also missed those who couldnt make it to Durgapur on my B'day.

this year too i had two cakes...one was made out of chips n puchka walla alu stuffing and the other was a normal cake! on 4th was my Jonmodin (my birthday as per the Bengali calendar)...got a gajar ka halwa treat that day and another surprise gift from a dear friend!

i just loved the Mug gifted by my bro, Mishra...it was signed by almost all my friends! and Soumee gave me my-long-desired KFC balloon (hadnt managed to get one for myself...so she got it for me!)... :-P :-P
thanks to Nilakshi for the surprise and for the Broasters sauce and paper napkin (!!)...thanks to Puja for her love and care! thanks to prantika for the cute surprise...and Subhomoy for Castle and the Candle!! a big thank you to Apu and Ri for coming all the way from Kolkata to be with me on my B'day and for being the official photographers!! thanks to Abhijit Bannerjee for remembering my birthday! and a big "Thank You" to all my friends...preety, hema...and all of my friends for their wishes and love! thank you so much for making me feel so special!

and this year, for the first time in my life, exam results were announced on my Birthday! 7th semester results!! and i have done reasonably well...am the 3rd highest score holder of my dept. :-P

here are a few snapshots of my Birthday celebrations...

the Birthday Girl with the mug "autographed" by her friends...special thanks to Avisek Mishra

party time @KFC

the midnight party @hostel...bubbles...friends...cakes n candles!

the puchka cake!!

my B'day cake, cards and gifts!

Another personal note

this is perhaps my most personal and direct post till date. if i had someone i could say all this to this post would not have been here... but...well it is here.

inspite of all that is not going well with me...these last few days i did feel happy...after a long long time. went out with friends...my Rons and Hermiones...CCD, movie, KFC...adda session about random things...even pointless things!! but i guess, a point comes when you just get back to your problems...and then the grief overwhelms you...and...in short...you are dead.

i wish i had one emotional escape...anything...anyone.

and a recent realisation...i dont believe in a lot of things any more. you know, u keep expecting...u keep hoping...and then you realise that you were a fool to have been waiting for something to happen that can never really be a reality. and then you give up hope...you give up your expectations...you even give up your feelings...you give up on the people you love. its not that you stop loving them...its just that you stop hoping that they will love you back. maybe you are no longer worthy of their love. its a pathetic feeling...but you have to accept this as well.

am not complaining...i know, my problems are the not the only ones in this world...neither are they the worst problems...no they are not. but...they are quite big to me...they trouble me...make me sleepless...they make me insecure... and i feel so damn crappy lonely...stuck with them alone in a cold room...

its true...when you are happy...the whole world celebrates with you...but when you are down...no one comes to stand beside you. no one at all.

its weird...my world is shrinking...getting smaller and smaller with each passing day. and at this rate...a day will come when my world will cease to have anyone else in it except my parents and myself. its true...your parents are the only people in this world who love you unconditionally...and you never become unworthy of their love ever.

sometimes you just need to get these emotions out of your system. staying alone makes you feel even worse...and am lucky i have a blog to express myself whenever i wish to.

so much has changed in my life in these few months...since last winter... my whole life has changed. i saw happy days...i experienced bliss... and then everything started fading away...and now am left with almost nothing...nothing...

there was a time when i could say all that i had in my mind to my dearest people... and now...i pick up my phone...type out a message...wait for two minutes...then delete it and keep my phone aside.

i dunno...i've lost faith in so many things and feelings...

Dhobi Ghaat: My take on it.

firstly, this is the first movie review that am writing.

secondly, this happens to be the most discussed and debated movie of 2011 till date. varied opinions...contradicting views and reason of innumerable arguments!!

lets just get to the point.

i will not be discussing the technicalities of the movie. i do not think i should comment on aspects that i am not very proficient in. i shall focus on the style of story telling, performances, background score and other such aspects only.

when i sat down to watch the movie...i decided that i would do so unbiased.

the opening was not captivating enough. the movie carried on...into some unknown territory. my attention was else where. and then it happened...all of a sudden. i was captivated.

not just captivated... i lost myself into the splendid web that Rao has weaved around Arun and Yasmin. for me this part of the movie stood out above the rest. Shai and the Dhobi somehow didnt have that kind of an effect on me. i was lost in that one beautiful story. the story of a simple girl who's come far away from home to be with her husband. she is a naive devoted wife...oblivious to the treachery that Fate has in store for her. Arun is a mystery. his art is his expression...his only emotional outlet.

Arun's story is recounted by those who knew him...failed marriage and a son. we are never really taken down his memory lane. we never get to know his thoughts. Arun is a flowing river...he flows with the tide of time...with life. ever searching for that one thing that doesnt seem to comes to him...peace. Peace is his sea. his ultimate destination.

yasmin told her own story. bit by bit...word by word...slowly taking us into her world, her life. she makes us a part of her existence. and gradually she became a part of Arun...his muse.

the silent lady next door...she is Time. a dumb witness.

the performances were brilliant. Aamir's eyes did all the work here, at times aided by his bodily gestures. kriti was you...she was me...a simple girl with the simplest of dreams. and opposite aamir she did manage to hold up her own.

this part of the movie was pure poetry. the background score complimented the visuals brilliantly. at times the music seemed to be playing a part in the movie...like the city. the timelessness of the city...the same city through different eyes. the window is the same...but the audience has changed.

Shai and Munna did not really have this huge an impact on me. it was stale compared to the beauty of the Yasmin-Arun plot. the same poverty...the same NRI...the same struggle...we've seen all that before.
if you consider the unconventional love story between the Dhobi and the NRI girl...lemme give you my take on it.
there was no real "love story" between the two. Munna was attracted to Shai...and Shai is attracted to Arun! Shai likes Munna..as an interesting subject..gradually he becomes more of a friend that a subject of observation...he becomes a friend to Shai. Shai respects Munna as a person and does not judge him by his profession. Munna is a bit insecure about his profession...especially the night job that he had...it was his dark secret. Munna is taken with Shai... very much taken with her. and Shai is busy pursuing Arun...oblivious to Munna's feelings. this part of the story carries on at its own pace... till Shai finally understands Munna's feelings for her...and a silent tear drop falls.

performance wise...yes, both were good. very good. but for me this part somehow lacked the "punch".

the beauty of the Yasmin-Arun plot had me spell-bound.

the movie as a whole is not a master piece...at least for me...but in parts it definitely is.

a thought...a fear...and a wish

something strange has happened to me...something that i had not anticipated... n it happened rendering me expressionless...like never before. I dont know if my words are eloquent enough...i just wish to put this feeling aside and move on with life. am just, how do you say it...oh yes...spitting it out.

i had felt this way just once before in my life... at the school fest when i was barely 5yrs old. i had been holding onto my mother's hand...and suddenly she wasn't there. the fear...the panic...the emotions that had flooded my mind at that moment... the wish to scream out...call out to my mother... the urgent wish to be found... the desperation to hold my mom's hand again... to find my way back to safety... to find my way back into the world that promised solace... 

i've been feeling the same way lately. 

the irony is that am at home. my mom is here, with me...near me...ready to take me into her arms... then why...

why am i feeling this way? where is my world of solace...where?

i am not sure why am suddenly feeling this way. its strange...its weird...infact its very very unlike me to be so overwhelmed with emotions. very rarely do these things called emotions hijack my mind and heart this way...very rarely. and yet...now, its all there...overwhelming me...my entire thought process...over-ruling all logic and reason...

i wish i could comfort myself...give myself the peace that my heart is longing for...but... i have tried, and failed. i wish to find my world of peace...my world of solace. i need it just the way i need to breath to live... i need it to survive... i need to find it...to save myself. 

                                  -------------------------------------

maybe i feel this way for you. maybe it is you who am longing for. in my own strange way...maybe i perceive u as more of a parent to me than a friend. or perhaps, its just my strong desire to have you by my side...just that. there is no need to have any words between us... in any case i am not eloquent enough these days. and there is no need for you to talk. just be there...by my side. lets just walk together...side by side.

i wish to be a part, a happy part of your world... in silence shall i be if you would just let me in.

i may not have been the way you had wanted me to be...and you may want to leave. i pray, stay. 
if this was how it was going to be...why had you come at all? say? 

now that you are here, like a true friend, respect me...accept me with my faults.

i may not be perfect but i still am the same person you had know. 
the smiles the joys that we had shared were neither yours nor mine alone. 

01.01.11

another year comes to an end. the last sun of 2010 has set and the world now awaits the first sunrise of 2011...!!
and what an year it had been...2010. good or bad...its a part of my life now. innumerable memories...countless moments...invaluable experiences! 2010 was not easy... but then again, its over now. its a new year... and the date today is...
01.01.11
the first day of the first month of the year in which i will become a Graduate...
the first day of the first month of the year in which i will be appearing for my first campus drive...
the first day of the first month of the year which will define me in newer terms...
newer goals will be set... newer dimensions will be associated with my life...
shall be stepping out into a world...newer than than the world that i have lived in and newer than the world i am living in now. A fresh start...

2007 saw the end of Part 1 of my life...and the beginning of Part 2. it was in 2007 that i, for the first time, stepped out into the real world...away from my shield...away from my home. it was a new beginning. a new story...  and this new year too shall open a brand new chapter...Part 3 is about to begin.
2011 will see me as a graduate...hopefully with the assurance of a job... newer dreams...newer avenues...
newer roads to travel...
another adventure.... and am looking forward to it...eagerly!

Happy New Year 2011!!!

PS: if u havent yet got a new calender for the year...get hold of an old one! the one u used in 2005 should work just fine. just check out the days marked as holidays this year...Google is sure help u out!!

cheers!!