3rd Feb 2011...my 22nd B'day!

This was one of my best birthdays ever...honestly!!

the midnight party at hostel...will miss it next year...and in the years to come. this was my last birthday in college.

Blowing out all 22 candles that were placed in the corridor was fun...i had to literally crawl on the floor to manage this feat...from the room where i had been locked in, while the others were busy with the decorations, to my room where the party was to be held! the party with my friends at City Centre (dgp) was awesome...the treat was @KFC...had always wanted to celebrate my bday there...n this time my wish came true! all in all it was a fantastic day!

met Praveen_bhai...and that as usual made me extra happy!! missed a few old friends...Sushmi, specially!! also missed those who couldnt make it to Durgapur on my B'day.

this year too i had two cakes...one was made out of chips n puchka walla alu stuffing and the other was a normal cake! on 4th was my Jonmodin (my birthday as per the Bengali calendar)...got a gajar ka halwa treat that day and another surprise gift from a dear friend!

i just loved the Mug gifted by my bro, Mishra...it was signed by almost all my friends! and Soumee gave me my-long-desired KFC balloon (hadnt managed to get one for myself...so she got it for me!)... :-P :-P
thanks to Nilakshi for the surprise and for the Broasters sauce and paper napkin (!!)...thanks to Puja for her love and care! thanks to prantika for the cute surprise...and Subhomoy for Castle and the Candle!! a big thank you to Apu and Ri for coming all the way from Kolkata to be with me on my B'day and for being the official photographers!! thanks to Abhijit Bannerjee for remembering my birthday! and a big "Thank You" to all my friends...preety, hema...and all of my friends for their wishes and love! thank you so much for making me feel so special!

and this year, for the first time in my life, exam results were announced on my Birthday! 7th semester results!! and i have done reasonably well...am the 3rd highest score holder of my dept. :-P

here are a few snapshots of my Birthday celebrations...

the Birthday Girl with the mug "autographed" by her friends...special thanks to Avisek Mishra

party time @KFC

the midnight party @hostel...bubbles...friends...cakes n candles!

the puchka cake!!

my B'day cake, cards and gifts!

Another personal note

this is perhaps my most personal and direct post till date. if i had someone i could say all this to this post would not have been here... but...well it is here.

inspite of all that is not going well with me...these last few days i did feel happy...after a long long time. went out with friends...my Rons and Hermiones...CCD, movie, KFC...adda session about random things...even pointless things!! but i guess, a point comes when you just get back to your problems...and then the grief overwhelms you...and...in short...you are dead.

i wish i had one emotional escape...anything...anyone.

and a recent realisation...i dont believe in a lot of things any more. you know, u keep expecting...u keep hoping...and then you realise that you were a fool to have been waiting for something to happen that can never really be a reality. and then you give up hope...you give up your expectations...you even give up your feelings...you give up on the people you love. its not that you stop loving them...its just that you stop hoping that they will love you back. maybe you are no longer worthy of their love. its a pathetic feeling...but you have to accept this as well.

am not complaining...i know, my problems are the not the only ones in this world...neither are they the worst problems...no they are not. but...they are quite big to me...they trouble me...make me sleepless...they make me insecure... and i feel so damn crappy lonely...stuck with them alone in a cold room...

its true...when you are happy...the whole world celebrates with you...but when you are down...no one comes to stand beside you. no one at all.

its weird...my world is shrinking...getting smaller and smaller with each passing day. and at this rate...a day will come when my world will cease to have anyone else in it except my parents and myself. its true...your parents are the only people in this world who love you unconditionally...and you never become unworthy of their love ever.

sometimes you just need to get these emotions out of your system. staying alone makes you feel even worse...and am lucky i have a blog to express myself whenever i wish to.

so much has changed in my life in these few months...since last winter... my whole life has changed. i saw happy days...i experienced bliss... and then everything started fading away...and now am left with almost nothing...nothing...

there was a time when i could say all that i had in my mind to my dearest people... and now...i pick up my phone...type out a message...wait for two minutes...then delete it and keep my phone aside.

i dunno...i've lost faith in so many things and feelings...

Dhobi Ghaat: My take on it.

firstly, this is the first movie review that am writing.

secondly, this happens to be the most discussed and debated movie of 2011 till date. varied opinions...contradicting views and reason of innumerable arguments!!

lets just get to the point.

i will not be discussing the technicalities of the movie. i do not think i should comment on aspects that i am not very proficient in. i shall focus on the style of story telling, performances, background score and other such aspects only.

when i sat down to watch the movie...i decided that i would do so unbiased.

the opening was not captivating enough. the movie carried on...into some unknown territory. my attention was else where. and then it happened...all of a sudden. i was captivated.

not just captivated... i lost myself into the splendid web that Rao has weaved around Arun and Yasmin. for me this part of the movie stood out above the rest. Shai and the Dhobi somehow didnt have that kind of an effect on me. i was lost in that one beautiful story. the story of a simple girl who's come far away from home to be with her husband. she is a naive devoted wife...oblivious to the treachery that Fate has in store for her. Arun is a mystery. his art is his expression...his only emotional outlet.

Arun's story is recounted by those who knew him...failed marriage and a son. we are never really taken down his memory lane. we never get to know his thoughts. Arun is a flowing river...he flows with the tide of time...with life. ever searching for that one thing that doesnt seem to comes to him...peace. Peace is his sea. his ultimate destination.

yasmin told her own story. bit by bit...word by word...slowly taking us into her world, her life. she makes us a part of her existence. and gradually she became a part of Arun...his muse.

the silent lady next door...she is Time. a dumb witness.

the performances were brilliant. Aamir's eyes did all the work here, at times aided by his bodily gestures. kriti was you...she was me...a simple girl with the simplest of dreams. and opposite aamir she did manage to hold up her own.

this part of the movie was pure poetry. the background score complimented the visuals brilliantly. at times the music seemed to be playing a part in the movie...like the city. the timelessness of the city...the same city through different eyes. the window is the same...but the audience has changed.

Shai and Munna did not really have this huge an impact on me. it was stale compared to the beauty of the Yasmin-Arun plot. the same poverty...the same NRI...the same struggle...we've seen all that before.
if you consider the unconventional love story between the Dhobi and the NRI girl...lemme give you my take on it.
there was no real "love story" between the two. Munna was attracted to Shai...and Shai is attracted to Arun! Shai likes Munna..as an interesting subject..gradually he becomes more of a friend that a subject of observation...he becomes a friend to Shai. Shai respects Munna as a person and does not judge him by his profession. Munna is a bit insecure about his profession...especially the night job that he had...it was his dark secret. Munna is taken with Shai... very much taken with her. and Shai is busy pursuing Arun...oblivious to Munna's feelings. this part of the story carries on at its own pace... till Shai finally understands Munna's feelings for her...and a silent tear drop falls.

performance wise...yes, both were good. very good. but for me this part somehow lacked the "punch".

the beauty of the Yasmin-Arun plot had me spell-bound.

the movie as a whole is not a master piece...at least for me...but in parts it definitely is.

a thought...a fear...and a wish

something strange has happened to me...something that i had not anticipated... n it happened rendering me expressionless...like never before. I dont know if my words are eloquent enough...i just wish to put this feeling aside and move on with life. am just, how do you say it...oh yes...spitting it out.

i had felt this way just once before in my life... at the school fest when i was barely 5yrs old. i had been holding onto my mother's hand...and suddenly she wasn't there. the fear...the panic...the emotions that had flooded my mind at that moment... the wish to scream out...call out to my mother... the urgent wish to be found... the desperation to hold my mom's hand again... to find my way back to safety... to find my way back into the world that promised solace... 

i've been feeling the same way lately. 

the irony is that am at home. my mom is here, with me...near me...ready to take me into her arms... then why...

why am i feeling this way? where is my world of solace...where?

i am not sure why am suddenly feeling this way. its strange...its weird...infact its very very unlike me to be so overwhelmed with emotions. very rarely do these things called emotions hijack my mind and heart this way...very rarely. and yet...now, its all there...overwhelming me...my entire thought process...over-ruling all logic and reason...

i wish i could comfort myself...give myself the peace that my heart is longing for...but... i have tried, and failed. i wish to find my world of peace...my world of solace. i need it just the way i need to breath to live... i need it to survive... i need to find it...to save myself. 

                                  -------------------------------------

maybe i feel this way for you. maybe it is you who am longing for. in my own strange way...maybe i perceive u as more of a parent to me than a friend. or perhaps, its just my strong desire to have you by my side...just that. there is no need to have any words between us... in any case i am not eloquent enough these days. and there is no need for you to talk. just be there...by my side. lets just walk together...side by side.

i wish to be a part, a happy part of your world... in silence shall i be if you would just let me in.

i may not have been the way you had wanted me to be...and you may want to leave. i pray, stay. 
if this was how it was going to be...why had you come at all? say? 

now that you are here, like a true friend, respect me...accept me with my faults.

i may not be perfect but i still am the same person you had know. 
the smiles the joys that we had shared were neither yours nor mine alone. 

01.01.11

another year comes to an end. the last sun of 2010 has set and the world now awaits the first sunrise of 2011...!!
and what an year it had been...2010. good or bad...its a part of my life now. innumerable memories...countless moments...invaluable experiences! 2010 was not easy... but then again, its over now. its a new year... and the date today is...
01.01.11
the first day of the first month of the year in which i will become a Graduate...
the first day of the first month of the year in which i will be appearing for my first campus drive...
the first day of the first month of the year which will define me in newer terms...
newer goals will be set... newer dimensions will be associated with my life...
shall be stepping out into a world...newer than than the world that i have lived in and newer than the world i am living in now. A fresh start...

2007 saw the end of Part 1 of my life...and the beginning of Part 2. it was in 2007 that i, for the first time, stepped out into the real world...away from my shield...away from my home. it was a new beginning. a new story...  and this new year too shall open a brand new chapter...Part 3 is about to begin.
2011 will see me as a graduate...hopefully with the assurance of a job... newer dreams...newer avenues...
newer roads to travel...
another adventure.... and am looking forward to it...eagerly!

Happy New Year 2011!!!

PS: if u havent yet got a new calender for the year...get hold of an old one! the one u used in 2005 should work just fine. just check out the days marked as holidays this year...Google is sure help u out!!

cheers!!

A random post

the toughest time of my life...
yes...these are probably the toughest days of my life! so much to cope with....so much to do...so much that is still undone...
uncertainties...options...choices...
the year 2010 was one of the toughest years, till date, that i had to deal with. Criticism came from all sectors. Pressure was at its peak. MBA entrance exams, campusing...projects... and of course personal trials were like that bright red cherry on the cake!
since August, this year, all that i have been doing is hoping against hope...indulging in wishful thinking...and working day in and day out to complete tasks before the deadlines hit me hard. and yet...the deadlines...eventually...did hit me hard.
hardwork...constantly forcing my brain to solve problems...analytically, logically, quantitatively...!!
the entire concept of "next year" is full of uncertainties. next year, this time...where will i be?

i have plans ready. if Plan A fails then Plan B...if that too fails then i shall have to consider Plan C...and so on. alternatives...back up plans... *sigh*
i hope that something works out...i hope by next year i will be settled somewhere with something substantial. i sincerely hope that 2011 will be a better year...not just for me, but for my family too.

Finality

am standing at the edge....shall fall.
the last few moments...
remembering the rest.
moments...priceless ones...
sweet fond memories...memories of mirth...of joy...
moments...priceless yet painful...
memories that i can never let go...nor can i live with anymore.
memories that were never meant to be mine...
moments...lost forever.

am standing....and my life flashes by...
the walk in the garden...my tiny hand holding the guiding finger.
the ride on my tiny tricycle...
the maths book....with sums incomplete...
the certificates...the smiles...
the hope to reach the skies...

there was u....me...us...together.
friends...laughter...tears....
happiness...the wonder years...

u left....and so did they...
slowly...gradually...finally they were all gone.

am standing...alone...
at the edge of this new world...
a new realm lies beneath me...
a world where pain ceases forever...
a world where there are no u-s n me-s.
a black abyss... pulling me towards itself...
the pull ever so strong.
i stand at the edge...about to fall.

balance...changes...practicality...time...peace

and i could keep writing today...hour after hour...all though the day...all through the night.
haven't had a proper stable normal conversation with anyone in ages. not that its anything unusual...its normal for me. am essentially am introvert. very few people know exactly what i am all about. and trust me...most of the people who claim that they know me...are utterly mistaken.
still...there are some who do understand me... n its weird but true that most of them are not the people i had ever been very close to....(ok i confess i haven't really been very close to many)...somehow they understand me more than those with whom i may have spent my entire life (till date of course).
its not that the people who know me dont understand me...quite a few of them do....but most dont. n i dont blame them for it. come on...its hard to know a person fully. human beings are complicated creatures.

i love typing away on the keyboard...without worrying as to who will read this or what they'll think about it. this is my blog....this blog is about me... n i will do exactly what my heart asks me to.
having spent quite a large part of my lifetime in doing what pleases others....and then another small part in doing what my heart desires....am now in a mood to balance the two.
trust me...blogging keeps me strong...mentally of course!!

a long list of complaints....one by me and the other against me. n the world changes. changes....they are required...n these changes should be incorporated happily into our personal world! am ready for changes and i hope to see changes being incorporated elsewhere too. i can see changes elsewhere...n am trying real hard to bring changes in myself as well.

practicality. maybe am a bit too practical. i judge every situation in the light of practicality...n then comes in the adversity...emotions! why on earth can emotions not be practical?
being practical has made me lose enough...maybe i will lose a lot more...
but here too i will keep trying....n am trying hard to balance the two...
just need a little cooperation from the surroundings.

i was told...time is of essence...time will heal all...time will put things right...
am impatient...and am restless... because of the lack of certainty in my life.
i trust time...i know it has healing powers...it has the power to change night into day and day into night... i know time is important everywhere for everyone... but i am still restless...i know not why.

i lack inner peace... i miss the feeling of bliss that once dominated my world...n that "once" was not very long ago.

am hopeful.

happiness...assurance...alone

a tiny flicker of light...in a world full of darkness and gloom...
a gust of wind...and the light is gone.
this is happiness. it was here now....n now itself the happiness was gone!

i guess everyone's life is strange in some way or the other....n mine is no exception.
its just that strange is a bit too strange for me.
i wish for constants...n my life remains surrounded by variables.
i desire certainty...an assurance that there is someone or something that i can rely on...fall back on when nobody or nothing is there for me. but every time i come close to this assurance...i get lost. i lose myself in a strange darkness where am all alone... n if am lucky i manage to find my way out...but i remain alone with no certainty, no assurance that all is going to be well. i know nothing can be well all through but its that assurance that matters. it gives hope...n the strength to go on.
i just wish for these words..."don't worry. everything is going to be fine."

i miss my parents and home a lot these days. i miss the feeling of belonging that i associate with my home.
life at hostel is beautiful. my friends are Angels....had it not been for them i would have not managed to live through the darkest phases of my life. they are the assurance that i have here...  their touch...their look...they way they hug me when i have tears in my eyes n then softly whisper in my ears those three magical words... "all izz well".
i fear how i will manage once am outside...away from them all... with them busy in their lives where will i find my assurance.
its true...Rons and Hermiones do exist... i have many around me!

n yet...i dread being alone. "alone" is a thought that kills me...
not fully maybe...but yes...i am human after all.

A Blissful Illusion

the pages lay on the floor....torn....tattered...
i had torn them off.... erased the words they carried...they lay scattered....
the innumerable pieces of my heart.
tiny words...singled out...lay all by themselves.
the dotted "i"-s... and the crossed out "me"-s...the rest were "you"-s...
a collage of feelings...of thoughts unexpressed.
thoughts, that could have made their way to your heart...
my thoughts....right from the start...
you would have heard me...if only...
if you had been there...

lost you were in a world where i was not the person i knew to be me...
lost you were in a world you thought was yours forever to keep.
lost you were...ever so deep...
away from bricks and mortar... away from the smell of fresh leaves...
away from the touch of reality... 
even away from me...
in a world you had for yourself alone and no other.

a blissful illusion...a world of perfection.
calm...serene...idyllic...
yet untrue...for me at least.
it was a world you had created for yourself... for you to be in 
for you to love and to live...and for no other.

A Personal Note

am back with a personal note...after a long time.
and this has been a tough year...drastically different from the last.
last year...post April almost the entire year was happy. yes...there were smiles all around...there was hope...there were dreams....n there was Happiness! yet...i remember...on the very last day...an strange n unknown fear had gripped me. i had this weird feeling....a feeling that i was going to lose everything that makes me ME.

yes...i know, nothing lasts forever. and yes...my happiness is highly volatile!

a major part of this year, 2010, was shrouded in negativity. be it the people in my life or be it me. most of the things had a grey touch to them...the hue closer to the darker shade.

lost a lot of things...lost people close to my heart. i even lost a part of me.

i did earn the love of many....
there were innumerable emotional moments... i was deeply touched by the concern and care that my friends showered me with!! love them all!
but yes....i also lost the love of those who mean a lot to me.

i had already started defining my life in newer terms. i had started setting new dimensions to it. n i experimented with myself ...n my feelings. but none worked well enough to cease the pain that was building up within me.

and then came November. it was my favourite month last year....n this year...i'll be glad if i can manage to somehow survive through it.
if this is how things were always supposed to be....then why on earth did God bless me with Happiness last year?
2010 was full of expectations....all broken into pieces in the course of time.
misunderstandings...lack of communication...and silence... they ruined  everything.
and before i could gather the broken pieces and try my hand at fixing them...they were gone...

am still waiting...i hope i will be able to mend myself in some way. they say am strong...when i know i am not. but i can build a shield around me...a fortress. i can preserve what i have left. n i will wait till i have the rest.