realisations...

i used to think that i can survive alone. the word "lonely" had a very
different meaning in my dictionary...to me it was synonymous to freedom. to me, being "alone" was being independent.
to me, my decision was the last word. i could consider other's views but the final decision was always mine.
the only two people who had (and still have) the right to veto my decisions were my parents. i'd never given anyone as much importance as that i'd given my parents...and i never will. being alone gave me the freedom to carry out my decisions and plans into action. not allowing me to exercise my free will was like intruding in my personal world. a crime i can neither forgive nor forget. in short, i loved being alone...cut off from the rest of the world...
it is perhaps because of this habit of mine that i have so very few close friends. i'm very careful with the people around me. i value trust most in the world...
if anyone breaks my trust he/she loses my faith in him/her forever...i do not disregard the person totally or misbehave or ignore them...i just don't trust them any more. in my eyes breaking some one's trust is the worst crime a human can commit.
but things are changing...ever since i started staying in the hostel my outlook changed. hostel is a completely different world...with so many people from so many different places with so many different cultures coming together to live under one roof...
i've realised that no human can be true to another human...deceit and treachery are the two most common features of the human race.
so if i wanted to cut myself off from people who betray me...i would actually have to renounce the whole world!!
that meant that i would have to survive completely by myself...as a single friendless (no matter how fake human friendship be) soul...hated by all...ignored by all! i tried living the way i used to and failed...i realised that to live in this unfaithful world i would have let go of the life i'd created for myself...i would have to accept the world as it is...i would have to accept the unreal reality around me. i would have to learn to pretend to be like them all... i cannot be lonely... i have to accept company...
with my changing ideas i'm changing too...for better or for worse i do not know...i'm learning to pretend...i'm learning to value company and companionship.
i'm learning to be passive...

surprise...surprise!!

We, my roommate and i, were fast asleep...dreaming peacefully...unaware of Reality knocking on our door... actually Reality had to knock really hard to wake us up...in fact Reality had to literally scream...panic evident in her voice!!!!

my roommate was the first to wake up to Reality...in this case Reality was in the form of a messenger named Sonakshi (our neighbour in the hostel)...she could only manage to say a few broken sentences...but her words acted like magic...within seconds we were both wide awake...tensed with nervous excitement...4th semester results have been finally announced.

after what seemed like hours the net connection started working properly...but the server was sooooo jam packed that pages could not be displayed..."service unavailable"...it said.

finally my roommate saw her result...she'd done well...not as well as she had expected but she was more or less satisfied with her marks! but my luck is like...well.................i still couldnt access my result...i was super scared...!!

And then...finally...sayari called me...she had managed to see my result...i'd scored 8.9 sgpa(out of 10)...................

this was way more than what i'd expected....and what's more shocking is that this was the highest sgpa in my year(my dept)...............this meant that i topped my class....along with A.C....who's also scored 8.9 sgpa (our results are identical)....

this is the first time since school that i'd topped an important exam (in fact university exam)...........yayyyyyy!!!!! i'm kinda feeling great....soooo happy....

mom and dad are elated....i'm sooo very happy...

i've got loads of hard work ahead....i have to try and make myself and my parents happy again...but yeah...no pressure....!!

more or less all my friends have done well...some have got excellent sgpa...looks like hard work does get recognised...am soo happy for all of us....yeeeppppieee...

Thank you God!!

walking in the clouds...

                                       pics taken by me on the himachal trip

clouds have always fascinated me...so have mountains...

my favourite vacations are those that i've spent in hilly or mountainous regions. i prefer to call them the Kingdom of God!

my trip to Darjeeling, when i was 4yrs old...and the trip to himachal pradesh last July...are two trips that are very close to my heart...

of the Darjeeling trip i have very few memories...but the few memories that i have are very precious to me. it was on this very trip that i almost lost my life!!

maa, baba and i had been walking down a narrow rocky road from a shrine atop a mountain...the path was so narrow that three people could barely walk together side by side...on one side was the mountain...and on the other............well....almost nothing......

several feet below there was a tea garden....

the best thing about mountains is clouds...especially the low ones...the ones that float past you or even through you... and i've always...always had a fascination for them! i love walking in clouds....i love to feel the clouds surround me...i love to feel Nature overpower my senses...i love to loose myself in the clouds........

to me its pure bliss...

that day, while coming down that narrow path, i had spotted a wispy white cloud. possessed by the idea of following it, i ran down the slope...hands outstretched...

i could hear my parents asking me to slow down...to stop......but at that moment nothing else mattered...i just wanted the cloud...i wanted to feel it...

running...i finally caught up with it and felt myself being embraced by its softness....i was so happy...i'd never know such joy before...it was heavenly...

Suddenly i heard a scream....it was my mother calling out to me....and right at that moment the cloud dispersed...i realised i was standing on the edge....facing a stationary tourist bus...

i turned around to look...maa was saying something...but i couldnt hear a word....her voice was drowned by the sound of an engine...and the sound of tyres moving on rocky ground... as i stood there transfixed to the spot trying desperately to figure out my mother's gestures and soundless words...a big tourist bus zoomed past me...

it was then that i realised the situation in full...and the realisation shocked me....i had been so close to death...had i moved one step to either side i would have been killed...

i've never been this close to the End before...but this "End" marked a new beginning....it was the beginning of my affair with the clouds....

i still follow clouds....i still love walking in them...i still love to feel that bliss that i've not found anywhere else on the earth.........

i miss you...

i really do...
i wish i could bring back those days...those moments that we spent together...
i wish i could bring back that afternoon when you and i followed a cute white kitten into the garden next door...and we tried to tame it...i'd so wanted that little pussy cat...and you helped me in my quest...little did i know that you were not helping me catch the kitten...you were helping me to learn how to chase my dreams... I havent forgotten that afternoon...i never will...
i wish i could still climb those stairs to the library...i wish i could sit next to the window infront of the arts bookshelf...i wish i could remind myself to be silent lest you get disburbed...and all the while you would sit just behind the bookshelf...pouring over those old hardcover reference books...absorbed in a world inhabited by shakespeare, elliot, keats, shelly and wordsworth...
i wish i could bring you both back...from a land i know not where...
i wish i could hold you in my arms and whisper in your ears those three word i've never told you before...
"i miss you"...

--dedicated to my Grandmother (didin) and one of my dearest teachers...my mentor, Ms Parveen.

i do not wish to name this...

suddenly from nowhere, it came.
it's ferocity blinding my mind.
the tightening shrouds of darkness,
veiling Life from Light.

i can feel an odd sensation,
like coldness flowing underneath my skin.
its a strange numbness,
to bereavement which is akin...

my voice is soundless,
my breath coming is gasps,
my heart beating its final rhythm,
my eyes seeing its last...

i'm drowning in the dark waters...
hands pulling me from within...
i'm struggling against the fetters that bind me...
to prevent myself from giving in...

the rhythm is in the crescendo...
the final notes being played...
there's so much i'm yet to know...
so much i'm leaving unsaid.

the beautiful sunshine...the fresh dew...
the familiar wind...that once blew...
have all left me in this incessant pain...
every ounce of Life from me this Darkness drain...

Our Tryst with Destiny

"Long years ago we made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge......

At the stroke of midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance..."

-Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru (1st Prime Minister of India)



A chill runs down my spine every time i read this speech...the first time i read the oration in full was in class 12 when i was assigned the task of making this speech at the Independence Day celebration in my school... when i made the speech that day infront of the entire school and others guests...i understood the speech in the whole...i realised the sentiments behind it....the blood shed, the love, the patriotism....the feeling of belonging...i realised what it meant to be free...i realised our Tryst with Density...

imagine the night of 14th August 1947...the anticipation...the excitement...

my late grandma was just 10 then...even after so many years she could always clearly recall the very first independent day that India lived in after 100 years of struggle... that night... "at the stoke of midnight hour"...fireworks commemorated the birth of free India...

63 years...not a short time....we've already crossed the half century mark...but have we...ever tried to realise our independence? have we really been able to be free?? r we not still bounded by imperialistic thoughts...?? we may be a secular democratic socialist republic...but are we not still dependent on the System?? ask yourself this question..."Am i free?"

thoughts are still bounded...so are visions...aspirations are confined to the Colonies of Dream...our world is still bounded by "narrow domestic walls" of communalism!! regionalistic ideas...and manipulative political schemes for the achievement of personal glorification...has still not brought us the peace and security that should come with independent existance...

why do people from developed countries call us third-world?? why are we still "developing" and not "developed"?? why do we Indians still criticise India...why are we still dissatisfied with ourselves and our country?? why do we look down upon our fellow Indians? why are we harassed in the name of religion? why do we fight over issues in the name of God and land, and make them issues of national importance? why do we not give breathing space to all cultures? why cant we be independent? where is our freedom?


That night, Nehru had said," The future beckons us. Whither do we go and what shall be our endeavour?...... We have hard work ahead. There is no resting for any one of us till we redeem our pledge in full, till we make all the people of india what destiny intended them to be..."



The pledge has not yet been redeemed in full...the struggle for true independence still continues...within us...from us...and by us...

Jai Hind.

"...confused...fullstop"

year 2007...Room no. 164, Girls' Hostel...around 9pm...my roommate walked into our room..as if in a trance...and flopped down on her bed. mechanically she took out the environmental sciences notes and started reading it. i could not help but notice that something was "up"...she appeared to be reading the notes but i noticed that her eyes were fixed on a single word on the page...she was definitely not reading...

i decided that i should poke my little nose into the matter...whatever it was....

after hearing her out...i came to a definite conclusion...i told her,"you are confused...fullstop".

well...the confusion that i was talking about was that of "love"...yes...the most confusing of all emotions...i personally haven't really figured it out yet...and i don't know if i'll ever be able to understand this feeling completely...

yeah...my roommate is now happily committed...introspection on a beautiful bus journey helped her get over her confusion and realise her feelings...

but to me...love still remains a mystery...!!

love is present in our lives in so very many forms...as mother's love...as father's protection...as the bedtime stories narrated by our grandparents...as a friend's hand holding our's...and....and...

well...all forms of love are so very beautiful...so serene...so soothing...

but that one Love that we all look for....the one who's supposed to come riding on a white horse..........no matter how much i try i just cant understand it!!!!

I've never really given Love a significant place in my life...it comes last in my priority list...and in any case, where is the time to indulge in such frivolities and loose myself in GPGA!! "GPGA" stands for "gobhir premer ghore achchonno"... a term coined by my friends for love-inspired reverie...huh??!!??

though...frankly speaking...at times...i do wonder how it may feel to be the most special person to someone...to be so close to someone that every unspoken word is paid heed to...every unexpressed emotion is realised in the depths of each others' hearts...i wonder how it is to speak in silence...through the eyes............i wonder...

like footsteps left behind on sand...love is an emotion etched on our hearts...an emotion that survives even the stormy waves of time...a feeling that grows with every passing moment...and the older it is the more precious it becomes...it enriches all our other emotions....and....perhaps...as everyone says...brings out the best in us...

i wish to know Love closely...i shall wait for it......

Samrajyobadi Dhulo...continued...

ambitious parasitic behaviour is a characteristic symptom of Imperialistic tendencies...lets call it the "samrajyobadi syndrom"...in short SS (pls dont mistake it for Secret Service)...!! its a vector borne disease...dust being the carrier...

since the begining of time...and though the ages SS has been a significant factor contibuting to the history of the world. in the days when imperialism, as it is it recognised today, was absent...there was a different sort of samrajobadikota going on...the desire to survive...and be declared fittest of all...it was the tendency to overcome individualistic obstacles and adjust to the changing world that taught man his first lesson of imperialism. 

in the middle ages...came the feudal lords...with the lords came the slaves...with the slaves came the concept of the "oppressor and the oppressed"...then came the dark ages...and logic became enslaved by believes.......

as time moved the curtain of Light fell on Darkness...and man began his journey towards rationalism...but the saga of Samrajyobadikota still continued...

struggle for survival leads to competition...competiton leads to the inculmination of the desire to succeed...success induces in man the desire to gain power...and power entices man to dwell on imperialistic ideas...

SS is a fast spreading pandemic...the number of infected rising every nanosec.

so-onkito chobi....

 

wondering what this is....?

well.....its something i drew in my leisure hours....

first steps first...

human beings have a tendency of being inspired... the source of inspiration may vary but the desire to be inspired is common to all....

the source from which i derive my inspiration is my school...Loreto Day School, Bowbazar....Kolkata-12...

situated right in the centre of the city...with College Street running alongside it...its the most beautiful place on earth for me...

the hustle bustle in the busy central streets...the hand-pulled rickshaws...uniformed students carrying heavy bags....the regular prayers at Firingi Kalibari...the metro...the book stores offering the widest range of books...and last but not the least...my favourite Coffee House....

6.30am...mom would make sure i was up and getting ready for school...7.20am...my grandma would open the main gate and keep watch...thanks to her i never missed my school-bus...not even once!! 7.45am...i'll be sitting beside my best friend...off to start a new day at school...

whatever i am today is all 'cause of my Alma mater...my school. I'm proud to bear "Loreto's flag in the sunny days of youth"..."high ideals of purity, of duty and of truth..." that my school gave me transformed me from a shy little girl to a confident young lady...ready to face the challenges of the world.

i was a totally different person upto class 6...extremely shy...timid...scared of everyone and everything...

but January 24th 2001 saw the biggest transformation in me! it was during the Investiture ceremony...when the school council members for that academic year took their oaths...i promised myself....i vowed to be a part of the council...and i promised to change myself...i promised to turn my dream into reality...!!

that shy girl....who used to hesitate before uttering a single word...became the most talkative person in school...so much so that teachers decided to appoint her class monitor...from class monitor to house vice captain...then house captain...then school captain...

i still remember the day i was selected council member from Red House(St. Teresa)...the best day of my life...and the days that followed were the most precious days ever!!

the last two years were no less eventful...it was during this time that i learnt what the real world was like...a small glimpse into the System structure made me realise the greatest flaws in our world...in our lives...it was during this time that i became disillusioned...disheartened...n disturbed...

but the friendship and love around me woke me up from my nightmares and brought me back into my world...and taught me to live again...

I don't understand so much...

I still dont understand the essence of my existance.
Am still unsure as to what my destiny holds for me...
I still dont understand the existing System!
Am still confused and scared of myself...
Do i need to stay quiet?
Do i need to keep my thoughts confined to the darkest corner of my mind?
Do i need to loose myself in the crowd?
Do i need a new identity to survive?
Do i need to supress my emotions to such an extent that my heart ceases to beat?
Do i need to live for someone who, perhaps, doesnt even exist?
If living means changing yourself in accordance with the world around you,
i wish to ask you this
Do i need to live at all?.....

chalti ka naam gadi....

yep...chalti ka naam toh gadi hi hai...boss hum toh puri tarah se sehemat hai...!! kintu parantu bandhu...chalti(gadi) ko jo chalata hai i have tremendrous respect for them. seriously!! but never before had i ever considered to even think about the tough job that a driver actually has... we generally, in fact always, take them for granted...they are just supposed to drive well...any mistake on their part is like blasphemy...something so wrong that needs divine retribution...
june 22nd '09...i enrolled myself into a driving school...i had always been facinated by cars...am a die hard NFS player...i so wanted to learn how to drive...i just had to learn it! after a month of training the exam date was announced. i registered for the test to be held on 4th aug '09. i was very apprehensive about the test...cause passing the test meant that i promised responsible conduct on the road...a small miscalculation on my part could be fatal not just for me but for others as well!
Passing this test meant i was ready to take up a great responsiblity and carry out my duty as a good citizen who cared for others...not just humans but all living beings...and i braced myself for it...
i practised hard for the test...and at last the D day arrived...
almost 3 hours in the afternoon heat followed by a long walk to the nearest police station...the verifications...the viva...the few seconds in the driver's seat....
i was at last permitted to drive freely throughout the country. i returned home totally dehydrated (drank 5 glasses of 'nimbo pani'... 'Lemonade' to the Sophisticated!) but happy...happy to have won over my fears...happy to have realised a long cherished dream of mine. its been years since any of my dreams came true...the last one was on 7th april '03 when i was elected student council member in school...and the next was today...4th aug '09...just 20 days more and then i'll have the license to be free...

Samrajyobadi dhulo...

"Samrajyobadi Dhulo"...for those who cannot make sense out of the name, here is the english translation..."Imperialistic Dust"...
it so happened that today my mom was in a mood to clean a particular room in the house...a room which has been (for the past two years) a guest room reserved for their only daughter....that's me (no points for guessing)!! ever since dad gifted me my compaq laptop (on my 19th birthday) i've totally quit using the PC...as a result, a thick coat of dull grey dust has settled and expanded its Empire on the entire surface of the typing device...the keyboard. the monitor...specially monitored by me...is always kept squeaky clean. i try to keep my room as clean as possible...at least outwardly...lest my dear mother decides to clean it (or better still, rearrange it)...and cleaning, especially when done by mom...somehow always makes things go missing!!!!!
so when mom decided to clean my room i seriously freaked out...my diary...my newpaper cuttings...my......my......oh my!!
so, enter mom...with a brand new duster in hand...and a smile on her face......
..................
alas!...the smile was short-lived...
it was replaced by a grimace the moment she pulled out the keyboard from the computer table... "Samrajyobadi dhulo"...she exclaimed in anger!
that's how it all began...me following her around...trying to protect my belongings from the great Slayer of Dust fighting her way into the battlefield to dethrone the Emperor (His Highness... The Dust) and win back her Empire...
the saga of "Dhulor Samrajyopoton"...still continues...

to be continued........

friendship aaj kal...

Remember K2H2...srk had said, "pyaar dosti hai"...and assuming the statement to be correct....i say,"dosti pyaar hai"...
friendship is perhaps the most beautiful of all emotions...it is the culmination of everything precious to the human soul...love...care...companionship...
our quest for true friendship carries on throughout life...we search for someone who would accept us as we are...without any terms and conditions...without any rules and regulations... someone who would pull us back on the right track when we stray...someone who would listen to our mundane talks...who would sit with us quietly when we want to be left alone...and hold our hand when we feel lost.....
once while describing me...a friend had praised me for being a good and patient listener. yes...i really can sit and hear anyone talk endlessly on anything... i've accquired this habit primarily to accumulate new ideas and assimilate them...and of course in the process make new friends...!!
if you want to talk about racing cars...am there for you...you wanna talk about literature...i'm there for you...politics...i'm there...social issues...i'm still there...creativity...yes...i'm there...
if you talk in french i'll learn it for you...just to be your friend!
i feel, mutual respect and selflessness are two virtues that a true friend must possess. possessiveness and overprotectiveness can be fatal to a friendship.
i'm lucky to be blessed with a true friend....we are poles apart but we've been best buddies for the past 20 and a half yrs!! we've know each other from the time when we didnt even know what friendship was! we've had our own share of fights and quarrels...even battles!! but nothing could separate us...!! she's always there to hear me out...no matter how weird or stupid my ideas are. with her in my life i have no worry...no fear of being lonely...!! i dont care who calls me arrogant...i dont care who calls me ill-tempered...i dont care who considers me fake!! she's accepted me as i am....and i consider myself lucky to have found a friend in her...that too so early in life. i never had to embark on my quest to find a friend...she's always been there for me. quite literally 'cause she was there even before i'd realised her presence in my world...am lucky to be blessed with her friendship...thank you God! thank you Sushmi....love you buddy boo!!
Be it aaj or kal...the feeling of friendship never changes! In all the ages Friendship remains its same selfless caring self!