Every End has a Story to Tell

Every end has a story to tell...a story of how the end came. Its a story of continuity...the story of life. Like every night ushers in a beautiful morning and promises us a new story, every night also narrates the tale of a day lived. And life is lived between these two extremities...the beginning and the end.

Like the bright sun peeping through the bare branches of the worn out tree...Life sweeps into our selves and creates a story from within us...a real story. its a promise of a new Fairytale....a tale that is spun around us...from within us...and about us.

its a new year tomorrow. And today, the end of this year has a story of its own to narrate...of the joys shared...of the laughter that echoed through the tunnel of time...of the sorrows forgotten and the pain erased by love. Tomorrow is a new beginning...the beginning of a new story.

So, friends its time....write your own story in your own signature style!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010

Imagination: "i miss you"

Is this true? my love, my dream...everything i ever lived for......
no. this is an illusion. wish i could close my eyes. wish this pain would disappear...
the familiar faces...unfamiliar now...
as if, am living in a realm of strangers...in a world as alien to me as i am to them...
Forget it....get on with life. this is just a phase...it will end soon.
consolations...why? to whom? me? noway...am not weak...i can stand on my own, no matter how many times i fall...
have i fallen....perhaps no. but, am hurt...the pain is deep...the wounds still fresh...
i can stand on my own...yes...i can
but....i wish...i wish your hand could hold mine...
i wish i could feel you near me once again...
where are you? lost in time?
busy...you must be...
i remember your face....i imagine your touch and...and i stand...on my own...
i know, i can still make it by myself...but i wish...
wish you were here....i miss you.

2009 AD: A look back

its Christmas eve tonight...my first christmas eve without my Grandma....its my first Christmas Eve without a lot of things. but i have a lot more than what i've lost this year. My profits and savings count...not my losses.
still let me elaborate on both.
profit and savings first:
there are some people i need to thank. in fact 4 friends. without them i would have had successfully committed suicide(!!) this year.
Prantika...thank you for making me feel acceptable. i had lost faith in myself...n you know why. thank you for choosing me over others. you are the only person who has made me feel at home in my own room. Thank You.
Anirban...thank you for the very many things that you don't even know that you done for me..n i have no words to explain them to you. Thank you for being my friend and for introducing me to a gem, Praveen.
Praveen....thank you for making me feel happy. i wish i had a brother of my own like you. better still, i wish you were my own younger brother.
Sushmi...thank you, as always...for being by my side and kicking me hard whenever i reach the peak of sanity!! Insanity rocks! Thank you for everything Sush.

the year 2009 was a year of changes...of tears...that were wiped by more than one pair of hands. of joy shared by more than i can count. this was a year of friendship, of love...of bliss...of a happiness i'd long lost touch with.
2009 renewed my faith in life.
this year i am back in form...am my crazy self once again...no hypocrisy...no diplomacy.

few complaints....i would rather let them be. its better to bury them in this year and move ahead. its better not to remember how people you trust can turn selfish and purposefully take away from you what you truly deserve. its better not to remember how someone can shut their door on your face. its better not to knock on their door again. its better not to remember rude remarks from the people you considered friends. its better not to remember how they talk behind your back and apologise to you later only if you somehow get to know about it. its better to forget that they refuse to understand you and the reason why you do certain things. its better to forget if they suddenly avoid you. its better to forget and forgive.
Its Christmas...the season of love n joy. its the festival of giving without expecting to receive...
2010 is just a week away...a new year...its going to be a new beginning.
my prayer this Christmas
"Lord, bless the people around me. make their dreams come true. Bring to them joy, hope and love. Protect them from all harm. If they make a mistake forgive them and help them to forgive others' mistakes. Give them courage to face the truth. Walk with them. Hold their hands when they need You. Bless my friends. bless my family. bless the world. Lord, protect my happiness and its source.
Ahmen"

Sayani: the name

"Sayani" in Cherokee (Tsalagi ) language means Zion or origin.
[Cherokee: They are Native American people historically settled in the South Eastern United States (namely, Georgia, the Carolinas and Eastern Tennessee).
Linguistically, they are connected to speakers of the Iroquoian-language family. And, in the 19th century, their oral tradition told of their having migrated south from the Great Lakes region in ancient times.
                                                                                                                        -courtesy Wikipedia]

This is a surprising fact. I thought Sayani was purely from Sanskrit. Meaning source from which life originates. In short, origin. I had no idea that it could have a Native American connection. This is very interesting.
But i have a question...how did the Native Americans and the Aryans use the same word in the same context? How could they come up with the same meaning?
i've been trying to research this topic...have been googling it since yesterday. But thanks to the upcoming exams...i couldnt devote much time to it.
If anyone knows the answers please let me know.
Sayani=Zion=Origin
I must admit, i like the name Zion. Reminds me of Matrix!!

wish i could enjoy the misty mornings

Nehiiii!!!!...finally they are here! yes friends...its exam time again! just 7 more days...n then the torture begins!
exams are in themselves very very horrible but preparation time is even worse...
Preparations=books+notes+scale, pencil, graphs+more notes+a terrible headache!
yep! thats what exams are all about. Mugging up 6 monthes worth of notes, scanning text books for the most uncommon topics that perhaps even the teachers have never ever heard of and wondering what's in the syllabus and what's not!
sleepless nights and early mornings...night lamps and alarm tones!
since its winter, exams mean sacrificing the warmth of our blankets n quilts and dedicating the beautiful misty mornings to our course books.
basically exams are an excellent way to skip meals, fall sick and go mad!
Exams also mean that i do not get to update my blog often...and that is really really bad!
Ok, i know everyone complains but come on...its true...Seriously, exams are not a very effective method to judge a student's true merit and should not be given so much importance to. But unfortunately, the Indian Education System is such that it demands us to dedicate our life to the very cause of giving exams and getting the best possible marks in them.
Now, trust me, "possible" is a very relative term. it totally depends on the mindset of the student, his/her parents and the society he/she lives in...and it is often synonymous with coming first in every exam, u knw being the "topper" n all...phew!
What a life!
What are we racing against??...is it time? or maybe the intellect of outer space aliens or ETs? (oh no!!) :P
What fear drives us to such a level of insanity that we sacrifice our life to a cause as futile as this?!!
seriously,
"give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance i wanna grow up once again..."

 Wake up Ind!a!
its time to make some serious changes...

wish exam preparations could be fun...exams could be interactive and educative! wish there could be a chaapless (pressure free) environment in which healthy competitions would be encouraged. Wish...i wish...

i feel it for you

this is my first attempt at something romantic.....its something that's totally unlike me!! but am still giving this a try...

please...please do leave comments.

will you walk with me...?
hold my hand.
sit with me...for a while.
look! can you see the horizon...
where the golden sun is melting into the arms of the blue water?


my life...behold,
have i found you in myself or without?
or did i do as i was told...?


once on a walk when you had smiled
trust me, the moonlight had washed me over...
bathing me in its silvery light.
that morning, when you had softly whispered in my ears...
those words that i live for
the fragrance of the fresh dew on the grass blade 
had kissed me on the forehead.
it was the moment...that moment...
that made up for all the words unsaid...


its a feeling unfelt...
a dream unseen...
if this is love, i confess...i feel it for you!

The 3 Idiots

an evening out with friends followed by a crazy music n adda session with Nilakshi and Apurba on the college stage...with hot coffee and blood thirsty mosquitoes to keep us company...

Another Page from My Diary

29th nov '09


Finally! Finally...I've gathered enough courage today to speak my heart out...uncensored!

well well well...i guess all firsts are precious...
My first home, my first school (Olympus, north kolkata), my first best friends (a boy who had great toys but would never let me touch them, unfortunately i've forgotten his name), Oindrilla...Sushmi. My first day in my first drawing school...my first crush (lasted for a long time!)...my first day in Loreto...
Like all other firsts my first college life (considering that i go for higher studies) is also very special...My first friend in BCET, Puja (met her at WBJEE counselling)...my first day in college and hostel...my first room mate, Nilakshi...my first hostel meal...my first class (physics, NM ma'am)...
 A typical College life is supposed to be fun...dancing around trees, lazying around the campus, bunking classes...being the coolest(or hottest!!) person around...basically typical masala type Bollywood stuff! but in reality its very different. you do get to enjoy life in college (specially if you are away from home) but you also learn a lot.
My biggest lesson was the lesson of adjustment and learning to compromise. I made mistakes...got severely misunderstood and misinterpreted. i got rejected...for being who i am...i was accused of pretending...of being fake. Who in the world wants to be rejected...to prevent it i started pretending!
Gradually this pretence started annoying me...and i actually cut myself off from the others. i was tired of life...of the people around me! i wanted a friend but had none. i was tired of oscillating between my real self and the emotionless, practical Sayani that i'd created within myself to shield myself from the world. the worst...well...my trust was brutally betrayed...beyond repair (or so i had thought at that time).
But i guess every dark cloud does have a silver lining...gradually i started getting back my life. i found friends...some old...and some new. My new friends gave my life a new dimension....a new beginning!
And on 27th Nov '09...i realised that i've fallen in love.Yes...am in love. I'd never though that this would actually happen to me..but yes, am in love. Am not in love with any person...am in love with my life...am in love with this place...am in love with this college...am in love with my friends...i love the green grass that grows here on the campus. i love the glass windows and white walls of the buildings here. i love the chilled wind that blows past me...
am in love.
all my pain has vanished only to be replaced with happiness...though slightly tinged with sorrow. For my days here are numbered...just one and a half years are left...........but yeah! am sure, we, this place and i, will be able to  maintain a successful long distance relationship...
Am sure gonna miss this place and my life here!
guess am getting a bit too emotional...better not let it get better of me...better end this post here.

The Walk to Remember...

It was a long walk up and down the road leading to and from my college...all alone, for the first time. The winter evening was ever so beautiful...
The shops on either side of the road were slowly opening for the evening customers. The most popular road-side shop, the Roll Stall was already preparing the first batch of rolls for the evening! i went up to Roll-kaku, ordered the three rolls I'd been instructed to bring back to the hostel....and continued my walk through the gradually darkening road.
Earlier, in the afternoon, my dad had called to say that my ATM card problem has been solved. So, I decided to check it...and draw out some money as well (fed up of my bankrupt state!!).
So, i began my evening stroll...my favourite music playing on my phone...headphone plugged into my ears....
the starlit blue-gradually-turning-black sky was gladly accompanying me on my walk... and the moon, peeping from behind the shadows...was keeping a watch on me as i enjoyed my lazy stroll.
This place, this road, this college...the last two and a half years of my life...this is now my world. my life now revolves around this place and the people here. My heart used to belong to Kolkata...but now, i've divided it into two...one is in the hustle bustle of the ever-busy City of Joy...the other, in this quite steel city...the place that is so very close to me now. Perhaps its because of the people i've known here and loved. My "college life" is here...the cafeteria adda...the classes...the library....the net lab...the panchvatika...the friends!! everything is here.
two and a half years of my four years here is already over. 2009...another year is coming to a close....and so is my college life............just one and a half years more...after that, i'll never be able to take this walk, there will never be such roll orders...no calls from dad telling me that he's sorted out the ATM problem and no bankrupt me running to the ATM for money(no guarantee for this though)...
life will be different...a lot different from what it is today.

A Page from My Diary

21st Nov '09:  9:30pm

Am sitting on the edge of the terrace... the endless blue black sky above spreading its starless cover over me...the coldest wind of the season is blowing across my face...am shivering.
Perhaps, I should have worn my blue sweater...or at least brought a shawl with me. But the night is just so beautiful...I don't really mind shivering in the cold wind! I had come to the terrace to get away from the others. The sadness, the grief, the mourning...the common emotions of the human soul...the inherent feeling of care and concern...i wanted to get away from it all.
Here on the terrace i find peace. The cold wind freezes the flow of my thoughts and  emotions and a strange calmness spreads over me.
I've been visiting the terrace regularly for the last three days and tonight i'd actually planned on studying here. I had brought my Industrial Instrumentation-II book with me. I opened the book and started reading but then...the wind came again...freezing me...I put down the book after marking the page I'd been reading...

Am used to being alone but have never found such joy in solitude before. Is it the night? or the stars? it is the calmness and the peace? or is it the cold wind that's blowing around me, making me shiver? what is it that is giving such profound joy? is it me, or is it all in my mind?

Mythical madness!!

Am tired. Wherever I go I hear people talking about just one thing, "2012". Not just the movie...people are talking about the year 2012. Just the other day a friend of mine expressed her concern for the future of our world and it goes without saying that she'd gone to see the movie (and had entered the theatre 1 hour late!!).
well, just for the record, I've been getting offers to watch 2012 myself but due to acute shortage of funds (my ATM is blocked...no idea why or how!!) i have not been able to watch it yet.
Anyway, this entire concept of world destruction is well...i think, totally bogus! And trust me i'm saying this after researching this topic on the net. I've checked wiki and NASA reports and they all say the same thing: the world is not going to end in 2012. its a baseless rumour! the reasons cited by various sites are pretty weird. For example some mathematicians have calculated and predicted earth's destruction in 2012, or that the Bible and other religious books say so. The weirdest and most misinterpreted reason is the Mayan Calender. It is supposed to have predicted this destruction eras ago! This sort of mass misinterpretation of information is creating a panic among the masses. Is this necessary?
A friend's kid sister came up with an unique solution...according to her we should experience whatever we want to in these few years...kya pata 2013 ho na hoo!!

Intensity

DISCLAIMER: ok chill...am totally sane...no matter how weird this poem may sound am just fine. all's well with me! i don't even remember when and why i wrote this poem. found it in the 'my documents' folder today and posted it here...am absolutely fine!!




INTENSITY
When pain reaches its zenith and the isolation is complete
When the soul stops begging for mercy and surrenders to the anguish inside
When the light dims and the eyes get accustomed to the overwhelming darkness
When all senses numb and even the slightest sensation invites intense pain
When touch pricks like a sharp ended needle and tears dry in the heat of despair
When words are lost to ever entangling fetters of sorrow and life translates to death
When even the most soul wrenching cry becomes inaudible and the blood boils within
When the world closes itself before the eyes of the sufferer and blocks all its gates
Then my heart burns in the fire
Tortured by myself…
Pained by me…
And in the fire of Hell my blood boils…
To satisfy the ache within.

wanna feel...wanna heal...

This is something i realised today. This is probably a result of me keeping myself shut up for years. The only one i've ever opened my heart out to is my best friend...the inanimate diary page! But ever since i stopped writing diary i've stopped sharing my true world with anyone. And, now i  have kind of stopped emoting altogether. Seriously! The emotions that you see in me are mostly superficial. I  hardly ever feel anything. It has been like this for a real long time. But today it sort of started hurting me. This painlessness also hurts you know! I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt myself so much that i cry...that's another problem of mine...i cannot cry. I want my tears back...i want to feel. I want to be truly happy. I want to feel joy. I want to be human. Am just so very tired of being strong. I'm tired of shielding myself from the emotions i long to feel!
What is it that stops me from opening myself up to anyone? Perhaps i can never trust anyone with the complete truth...perhaps i'm scared of sharing my weakness with anyone, lest its taken advantage of. Perhaps am scared of myself and my own feelings... Frankly, i do not know the answer.
There was one very special feeling...and it was not just a feeling...it was bliss. And, recently, i realised that i cannot feel that way any more. It was a feeling that i had been feeling for the last 10yrs but suddenly something strange happened. I lost it! I miss not being able to feel it. It's one feeling i thought i could live my entire life with...and now...
What's happening to me?

i wanna feel...i wanna heal...like am close to something real...

Random thoughts...

all right...this is perhaps my weird-est post ever...
and yeah...my mood is off...am sort of depressed and i need to take this out of my system...as soon as possible...so here i go.
well, its 0040hrs...and here i am trying to figure out what exactly am doing...the obvious answer is that am blogging. but perhaps the question searches for an answer that requires a deeper analysis...
i'd started blogging cause i wanted to be heard. i had taken up blogging to express myself, my thoughts, my beliefs...and my dreams...
but am i doing that? i feel that most of the time when i write i generally just blabber on and on and on...or dont i? i dunno!! do i make any sense?? is there anyone who wishes to read what i write? is there anyone who would want to know about me and my life? who would want to know me? who would want to read a 20 yr old's views and opinions?? i dont know....
in general...in life...what have i done? what is my significance? do i matter at all?? what is my purpose in life? why am i here? and back to the first question...what am i exactly doing?....i dont know...
so many questions....i wish i had the answers....

Photo - synthesis

I took this snap around two weeks ago on my 1.3 megapixel phone cam (wish i had my digi cam with me)...I'd walked out of the hostel with two friends to explore the Steel City...and trust me, the natural beauty of the city held me spell-bound...  

Bloggers Workshop n its after-effects

The event:

Me at the worshop...discussing my blog Sa'matri'yoni

   

The effect:

The workshop's over but the hangover remains. The most obvious after-effect is the curiosity and interest it has generated among the students regarding blogging and the web in general. In the last few days I've come across at least a dozen people who've asked me about the workshop, about blogging and some have even contributed traffic to my blog....yay!! its great to see how successful the Workshop actually was...rather is! And the interest it has generated among students who hadn't even attended the workshop is really commendable.

trust me, it feels great to have been a part of this entire thing!! Just one regret....why are my eyes closed in this pic........?!!?

BCET BLOGGERS WORKSHOP: 31/10/09

It all began with an idea...an idea that was to revolutionise the way BCET thinks...it was an idea that was to pave the way for an association that BCET is going to remember in the years to come. It was the simple idea of bringing together college bloggers under one roof...on a single platform...that transformed into the BCET Bloggers Workshop.

BCET Bloggers workshop was organised on 31st October 2009, in the Management Block of Bengal College of Engineering and Technology, in association with WebReps.in  and Softz Solutions.

And needless to say, it was a huge success!!

We kind of started late...we, the organisers, Anirban (this entire thing is originally his idea), Praveen, me and the others, predictably had a lot of running around to do and yeah...had a lot of phone calls to make as well. Finally, after donating precious phone balance to this noble cause, we started at around 11:30am.

Attendance was good. Students from reputed institutions in as well as outside Durgapur participated with great eagerness and enthusiasm.We discussed blogging, monetizing, tweeting, etc, etc, etc................

And as far as WebReps.in is concerned....they were simply super cool!! The interaction was seriously interactive and fun...it was just awesome...thanks to all the WebReps.in members for making this workshop such a huge success! These guys sure know how to capture and retain the attention and interest of 20-something yr old students!!

Well, all in all...it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience...learnt a lot...had a lot of fun...and yes missed classes, some even missed tests. But seriously, it was all worth it!!

whoaa....exams!!

OMG! OMG! OMG! its that time of the year, rather semester, when my brain starts oscillating furiously between pending college work...academics...and fun....
my mind remains totally messed up...too stressed out by tension to think clearly!! yes, its almost november, and am living in the last week of october now. Semester exams are scheduled to begin in december....and i am freaking out at the very thought of it...........omg!!
this happens almost every sem. all though the semester i chill out thinking that yaar kal se padhai start karenge... but tomorrow as usual never comes!! this semester, especially, i should have started studying seriously a little earlier. the subjects this sem are simply horrible!! Z-transforms....omg!! mp 8086 n peripherals....analog communication...control theory and industrial instrumentation. the last two i'll be able to manage. and perhaps analog comm can be handled. but, DSP and 8086.........i seriously need help!
Trust me attending classes regularly and paying attention in class has not helped me at all! In fact, maybe it would have been better if i'd bunked some classes and studied by myself in the library....sigh!
But, hey! exams were never meant to cause such mental disturbance...were they??!! exams were never meant to ruin the peace of mind...
when viewed on a larger scale, exams were never meant to steal a child's childhood from him! parental pressure and the absurd dream of creating an engineer or a doctor out of every kid is ruining the nation's future!! seriously!
but the growing competition has induced in students the pressure to do well. Students have started expecting higher that what they are actually capable of achieving...and they are shamelessly taking to means that make them stoop to levels beyond dignity to acheive such high aims. the desire to outdo others at any cost is eating into our social system.
Trust me, there are a lot of things around here, in the education system, that need serious amendments. Just sitting and complaining wont help, i know, but protesting singularly will not do any good either. what we need is a movement...a mass protest...but alas! hum system ko badalne jayenge toh system hume hi badal dega...
that's the irony of our Democracy!
so like obedient citizens we accept the crude and unjust system and start preparing for a set of three-hours papers that are supposed to assess our merit!! All the best!!

Am afraid...

Am afraid of my loneliness! I dont know why am feeling like this all of a sudden...the strange loneliness that i had severed all ties with is back in my life. Its gnawing me from within. The more i'm trying to escape from its fierce grasp the more its tightening its grip over me and my life. i'm trying to be happy. i'm trying to look at the brighter side of things...am trying my best to be optimistic...but somewhere deep down my heart there is this strange hollow feeling...am hating this!
But why?? I know not the answer. Perhaps its just a phase am going through. Or perhaps there is some strange sadness within me, in my subconscious, that i havent yet realised... perhaps it is because of the sweet sad memories that life is all about.
perhaps its because of the truths i havent yet reconciled with. it is perhaps because of some things someone had said to me...or had left unsaid...
maybe i wish to hear something but do not hear it...or maybe its because of what i'd never wanted to hear but heard...
maybe its something i wanted to say but never said or perhaps its because of what i'd said but had never meant to say...
i had thought that i had got over this feeling...this loneliness. i had thought that everything was now falling into place. i'd thought that I was now a better Me...i'd thought that i had been accepted as an individual with all my faults and short-comings...but now am not so sure...am indeed confused! no matter what i do not wish to lose faith in my own self...
there's this one question in my mind now...Do i matter at all, to anyone except my own self?

Subh Dipavali...

This Diwali i really wasnt expecting much...was quite down actually...felt like this was going to my darkest Diwali ever...but from somewhere, dunno where, came Light...and brightened me up...it brightened my diwali...the Light was so bright that it engulfed the darkness surrounding it!!

Happy Diwali!!

Showers of light!

Showers of light...
is it a new sunrise...a new dawn....??

light up my life...

A Diwali special poster..... :P

Being imperfect is so very perfect

Was watching Wake Up S!d...and guess what...i woke up to a brand new realisation...!!
WUS introduces us to the very imperfect S!d and......Aisha. Aisha's world is a world where the word "perfect" makes a lot of sense...she's organised and methodical...knows exactly what she wants from her life...and she tells S!d...meaning every word...that he is definitely not her Mr. Perfect...but finally old bollywood music wins over classic Jazz...imperfection wins over so-called perfection....and....
"Goonja sa hai koi iktara iktara.........goonja sa hai koi iktara......"
Its a wonderful feeling. the feeling of not being the best. the feeling of being incomplete...the entire essence of our existence lies in our imperfection. we are imperfect, that's why we err. we are imperfect that's why we are who we are. C'on...accept it...nobody is perfect!!
every feeling is a manifestation of our imperfection. our joys...our tears...our smiles...even our hearts deepest desires...they are all a direct consequence of our imperfection. All through our lives we desire to be perfect. We desire everything that is connected to us should be perfect. but, i dunno why, we just fail to realise that very single object, every being is imperfect. see, that's how imperfect we are!! we may criticise imperfection but we love being imperfect. it is imperfection that keeps us searching for perfection all our life. Imperfection helps us to Hope and Hope keeps Life alive!
When it comes to friendship we start looking for perfection in our friends..."yaar...dosto ko toh baksh do..."
and in love we wish to settle for nothing but the perfect person......"hmmmmmmmmmm........"
But does perfection have the same meaning to every individual?? Perhaps no. my idea of perfection may not be the same as yours. Actually it's all in the mind my friend...
Being imperfect is perfectly natural. Its totally cool...in fact its cooler than being perfect!
happiness in life comes from these imperfections. the more imperfect our friends are the more fun we can have. the more imperfect your love is the more romantic the relationship may be...!!
the little imperfections...the faults that we hate and later fall in love with perhaps brings to us the best joys in life!
N'joy life...live it as imperfectly as you can....live life on your own terms...make mistakes...rectify them...fall in love with your life...and just chillax...let life take you on a fun ride!! Being imperfect is so very perfect!!
Realise the source of your happiness...just like Aisha...she realised that her greatest joy lay with her dearest imperfect friend...and
"dheeme bole koi iktara iktara.......dheeme bole koi iktara........."

P.S: if you have time you can waste it by counting the number of times i've typed the word "imperfection"...njoy!

Silence and Words...

Introspection and retrospection...these were the two things i'd been busy with for the past few days. Its been almost two whole years since i had last given some serious thought to myself...and these are the things i realised....or rather am trying to realise...
Silence does speak more than Words. But, only at times. Silence heals. Silence soothes. Silence smiles at you when you are all alone in the darkest hour of the night assuring you of the light of the drawn...
Silence can be more eloquent than Words. At times it expresses more than Words ever can. Silence is the language which can speak volumes without the help of any other medium of communication.A simple gesture is all that is needed.
But then, Silence has its downside too.When misinterpreted, Silence can prove disastrous! Words, unlike Silence, have direct consequences. Words are unspoken promises made by one to another. Silence is a non-committal state where, if given a chance, doubts and confusion may reign supreme.
I feel that maybe...just maybe, it is all a matter of the mind, the most complex and creative feature that God has bestowed us, humans, with! And well, as we all know no one is in total control of themselves. In life there are always instances of regret...but then again there are also enough chances to improve....and a lot to hope for...
Words do have a lot of power...and sometimes they can be a lot more powerful than Silence. Words, when treated correctly can be more soothing than Silence. Words when chosen carefully can heal wounds faster than Silence ever can. Words are the most expressive expressions in our world. Words can also stir revolutions.
But neither Silence nor Words can alone suffice our need to express and communicate...
Actually its very difficult to say which is better...i haven't been able to arrived at a conclusion yet...
till then..like all others...i remain a confused soul... choosing one over the other depending on the situation.

Colours...

Life can be so strange at times!! one moment it can give you immense happiness and at another drown you in the depths of despair...!! Life can be fair to you at times and be terribly unjust at others.
But the strangest thing is this that, if we sit down to make a list of all our complaints against life some would give us a real long list...length tending towards infinity...while others would submit black sheets!
Life teaches us the most important moral in this world...it tells us that the only thing that matters in life is our perspective. Life is a black and white picture and God has left us to paint it with colours of our choice.
So let your imagine fly free...let it explore the vastness of life and realise the existence of being...
Let it breathe in the music of life and drink the passion that gives life its jest...
Let your heart be coloured red with love...
Let your eyes be coloured with the abstract hue of dreams...
feel free!
Run across the vast expanse of green in the meadow...
Sing back to the yellow bird perched on the brown branch of the freshly green tree...
Spread your soul and fly...as high as your imagination takes you!
Don't be afraid...if you fall, God will break it for you!

BCETians are Tweeting!

yes...tweeples all over the world...its time to tweet!! BCETians are very trendy...latest news from BCET is that it's tweeting...there are hash tags all over twitter saying #bcetbloggers...its a promotional venture exhibiting the craziness that BCET houses. The unique idea came out from the crazzzziest BCEtian here, Anirban, and was further developed and spread by the rest...hashtagged bcet blogging is spreading all over the virtual world even as we speak now. Its spreading like a pandemic...trust me!! you need evidence...check out here and here
now you believe me?!!
its 4am now...and Anirban and me...we are still tweeting...hashtagging and following people around in the virtual world...
its all part of the Divine plan to unite all the BCET_Bloggers under one roof...er...i mean...blog. this blog has a twitter account and it tweets the latest updates. it gives the virtual world all the updates that we put up on our blogs and the BCET_Bloggers blog.

So catch us live as we blog...follow @bcetbloggers
dont forget the hashtags!!

BCETians are blogging!!

BCET BLOGGERS
Yes...that's the latest blog on the block...er...i mean...blogger!!
Bengal College of Engineering and Technology is now a hideout for a number of bloggers of our country. The latest count shows that total 13 blogs have already registered themselves..and the number is expected to increase with many other students starting their own blogs...and the more there are the merrier it is!! Its somewhat like a movement. It's the movement of being heard. It's the movement of making BCET heard and we, the BCETians, are the voice of BCET!
Do check out this blog...!!

NOTE: If you are a blogger from BCET do visit this blog. If you are a BCETian...do check this blog...you may just want to start one of your own!!

My Durgapuja '09

Sneak-peaks of my Durgapuja '09

The Spirit of the Pujas is undying...how we perceive the Spirit maybe different but the emotions and sentiments associated with the Pujas remain same through the generations...for some its nostalgia...for some a welcome break from monotonous life...for some its just a holiday...for some its what they had been waiting for all year long...for some its livelihood...for some its purely devotional...
Puja means Maddox Square...Puja means new crushes...Puja means a whole lot of shopping...Puja means drum beats...Puja means Dhunochi naach...Puja means non stop adda...and puchka...Puja means Puspanjali...Puja means Shraddha...
to me Puja means Life!

Sunderban... Aila

The Aila had a devastating effect on the Life in the Sunderbans...
its effects are etched on the hearts of the people there...and only time can heal the wounds! of the many real life experiences i heard i will narrate one...here i go...
the storm had struck Sunderban during low tide...generally in cases of flood or storm people run for shelter to the rooftops or the bandhs (embankments)...but this time there was nowhere to run to...
nowhere to hide...
nothing to hope for...
people put all their faith in God...probably Bonobibi, Shah Jongoli and Dokhkhinrai...and let Fate take over their lives...
One man in a desperate attempt to save his family put his two young sons in a big "haandi" and let them go in the stormy river, hoping that someone somewhere will save them and they'll live...he took shelter on a rooftop with his wife and father-in-law waiting for the monstrous storm to calm down... after the storm subsided he went looking for his sons...and he was lucky. his sons had been saved by boatmen who were out in the river at that time...
this is a story with a happy ending...but life is not a fairytale...people lost lives...families were separated...and dreams were destroyed...

on the day of the storm...i remember, my friends n i were sitting in our rooms in the hostel...taking in the beauty and enjoying the rain and wind in Durgapur...the only thing we were worried about was our semester practical exam scheduled for the next day...
how ironical...

this year Sunderban is not "celebrating" Durgapuja...Puja will take place but there will be no celebrations....they still have Faith but they dont have a reason to celebrate!

Sunderban...the Folklore....

Sunderban has a beautiful story to tell....its about Dokhkhinrai, the tiger king...Bonobibi and Shah Jongoli, the twin Deities who rule over the Sunderbans...donachacha and dhuke...and many others. The tale as narrated by a local is as follows...

The Sunderbans

Dhuke was the only son of a widow who lived in the sunderbans. dona was a boatman who had hired dhuke to do his biddings and run daily chores on the boat. Dhuke's maa had reluctantly relented to Dona's offer of hiring Dhuke and had made him promise that he'll treat Dhuke like his own son...and thus began Dhuke and Donachacha's journey. Dona wanted to collect honey from the forest and start a small business out of it....but Dona was not having much luck...wherever he went he met with failure...he could not find even a single drop of honey anywhere...confused and disheartened Dona gave up all hope. it was then that Dokhkhinrai appeared in his dream and told him that he must trade Dhuke for good luck! Dokhkhinrai wanted Dona to give up Dhuke to him...and promised that he will get as much honey as he wanted from the forest..but if he did not give Dhuke to the Tiger King he would drown on his way home. Dona reluctantly agreed. he sent Dhuke off to the forest to get firewood and sailed off...leaving Dhuke all alone at the mercy of Dokhkhinrai!
On realising what had happened Dhuke started praying to Bonobibi, the forest Goddess, for help. She and her brother Shah Jongoli fought the Tiger King and defeated him...and sent Dhuke home.
the struggle for power between the two forces, Bonobibi n Shah Jongoli and Dokhkhinrai continued for a long time till Gazi Saheb intervened and reached an understanding between them.

People of Sunderban offer prayers to these Deities every time they venture out to the forest...they narrate this tale in the form of Jatras and keep gthe folklore alive...!!

maa interacting with the locals

The Tiger Camp...

It was an amazing experience...spellbinding...enchanting...enthralling....actually words can hardly do justice to the experience i had in the truly sundor (beautiful) Sunderban...our trip began on Maha Chaturthi with the bus ride from Deshopriyo Park to Gosaba via Basanti...

from Gosaba a launch took us to the Sunderbans via the Durgaduyani river...and thus began our trip. the Sundari trees...the exotic birds...the wildlife...the life of the locals...the folklore...the folk music, mainly Adivasi with a touch of Sadri and/or a Noihati dialect...the Jhumur Akhera song "modhuro modhuro geeto gaiya...." performed by the Radha Krishna Sampraday...stole my heart away...

Glimpses of Sunderban...as seen through my eyes....

Sunderban is not just the land of the Royal Bengal Tiger or "Dokhkhinrai" as the locals call them meaning the King of Tigers...its way beyond that...its a way of life...its an experience that lives on long after you've returned to the busy city life...

i'm going back...as soon as i get a chance to do so!!

DeviPaksha...and what's coming up next...

i love this time of the year...its DeviPaksha...the countdown for the pujas is almost over...its Maha Panchami today...Pujas begin tomorrow...
well.....i actually have loads to write...just returned from a fantastic trip to the Sunderbans...and DurgaPuja officially commences from tomorrow...i'll be really busy hanging out with friends...pandal hopping and will be attending family reunions...so i guess i wont get time to update sa'matri'yoni till all these things are over...here's a synopsis of what's coming up next....
My Sunderban trip...
DurgaPuja '09
and whatever else happens till i post updates....
till then...Happy Pujas...

Snippets from my life...

                                                sushmi, me, josephina and shreya

shreya n me

                                 

                                             at the class(AEIE) get2gether

college gang

nilakshi n me

Unanswered questions...

This world is an illusion...a realm of fantasy...beyond the truth of existence...shrouded by the meaness of being...and a living testimony to Disbelief...
Disdainful and aching...life is but a desire cherished by the self...destructive and obtrusively complicated...
An intricate network of mendacity...deceit...and lies...detested yet desired when deprived of it...we beg for life...we implore for our very existence and hold it dear...
confusing emotions...veiled by reason...its all beyond me and my comprehensive abilities...
It disturbs me...my mind is diverted from practicality and my heart begs me to ask the question...why? why do we go looking for complicacies when we could have never had to indulge in such fabrications and decietful impressions of the desire we call life? why?
Can we not let go of the illusions we hold dear?...can we not lead a journey towards selflessness and comprehensiveness?
Can we not be just to our being and desire nothing but the Truth?? can we not.........??
i'm still looking for the answers...

REFLEXION '09

REFLEXION '09...the college magazine...the reflection of BCET!!

the last couple of months were full of fun and activity...writing, editing, reading, re-reading, selecting, re-selecting...

Work on the College magazine had begun months ago...way back in the 4th sem...and now...well...its almost over...

the entire editorial team has been and is still working on every aspect of the magazine...we aim to be different this year...expectedly, there has been a lot of disappointments in the process...but nothing has been able to put the TEAM down...

TEAM_REFLEXION:

(Picture courtsey Anirban Saha)

The editorial team has been put together with a lot of creative effort...and i happen to be sharing the post of the co-editor with Anirban Saha...the most talkative and busy student in BCET...for details regarding him and the Reflexion team visit his blog...i'm sure he'll be happy to know that i'm increasing traffic to his blog Abhibyakti ...

frankly speaking, i had been missing myself and that was the main reason why i decided to join the committee when the teacher editor of the magazine approached me...

it was after almost two whole years that i'd taken up any extra-curricular activity...

the magazine has managed to bring back to life the Sayani that i once was...i confess, am still not in full form...but i will eventually come out of the shell i'd created for myself...and all thanks to the College magazine.

Reflexion is thus more than just a college magazine to me...its the reflection of my self...a self i'd promised never to re-awaken...a self i'd long deserted...

well...i guess what they say is true...no matter how much you try there's no running away from your own self!!

we're trying to bring out the magazine as soon as possible...final touches...last minute detailing and final checks are in the process now...hopefully the magazine will be published soon... Anyways, i'll have to end this post here...i have a meeting with the teacher editor now...need to rush.....

Disappointments...

Euphonic '09 was a disappointment...all the anticipation...everything...was washed away by the rain!! the depression that was supposed to be over the Bay of Bengal was in full force here at Durgapur...infact here it was quite a difficult task searching for someone who was not depressed!!the rain...the inadequately organised work...the unplanned but predictable chaos...and worst of all the 2nd yr verses 3rd yr war (literally) marred the festive spirit!...it was a festival of anarchical chaotic confusion!!
the performances were not upto the mark...just a few were worth being staged...the first year skit (i missed it) staged on the first day,was one of the best...or so i heard...there were some good dance performances and very few well sung songs...most were...well...no comments....

the only enjoyable part was chilling out with friends...bass!!

   nilakshi n me...dancing the night away

Thanks to Mr. Anirban (khepa) Saha...i got to go up on the stage during the fest...i was one of the many anchors who were struggling to keep the show going inspite of all the adversities...and day 2 saw me co-ordinating backstage stuff with Suman...while the seniors ran around chasing unruly juniors...but frankly speaking i would have been a lot happier if i had been on the other side of the stage...or better still, doing something useful in my room...!!

ishita di and me...anchoring on stage

all in all...am totally disgusted with the way things are done in here...there is no proper cultural committee...no organisation...nothing!!
wish things could have been better...Euphonic '10 will be organised by our batch...the very batch which organised the highly successful Freshers' Party "Sphutati'09"...
am sure looking forward to it!

Euphonic ' 09...the anticipation

yayy...!! BCET (college) fest, Euphonic '09, is just around the corner...
and the entire college is busy gearing up for it....from script writing to dance rehearsals...from silly quibbles to serious meetings...there's anticipation and excitement all around...people have already started planning their "fest special looks"...new dresses are being bought...props for the shows are being arranged for...everyone is busy...the campus is rocking with the sound of music...both surela and besura...coming from the auditorium where auditions for the fest are being held....

in short its fun time at BCET....!!

and the icing on the cake is that this year the fest is being held on two consecutive days right after the Foundation Day of our college...which means we'll get to enjoy three days of revelry instead of two...yeppiee!! no classes for three whole days....!!!!

backstage stuff is always fun...since i'm not performing this year i decided to enjoy the backstage stuff by making a trip to the rehearsal venue...little did i know how nostalgic it would make me...

actually...watching these rehearsals...made me kinda miss the Stage...........

i still remember my very first stage performance. i'd been pestering mom to let me go up on stage...when mom finally let me i got super scared and ran back into her arms...i was 4 then...it was the one and only time that i'd been afraid or nervous on stage...

the Stage is my life...its my love...my dream...i cannot image life without it...

people who know me well say that whenever i talk about the Stage there is a strange smile on my face...a smile that my friends generally associate with that of being in love...

yes...i love the Stage...it was definitely love at first sight...

i miss being on stage...i miss being in command of my emotions...i miss those plays i've acted in...those songs i've sung...the music i've danced to...those recitations...elocutions...the extempores...the speeches...the.....................i miss it all....i miss being myself....

anyway...enough of nostalgia for a day...i'll end my post here...i have a long day ahead of me...shall try to take some time out and visit the rehearsal venue again today...

realisations...

i used to think that i can survive alone. the word "lonely" had a very
different meaning in my dictionary...to me it was synonymous to freedom. to me, being "alone" was being independent.
to me, my decision was the last word. i could consider other's views but the final decision was always mine.
the only two people who had (and still have) the right to veto my decisions were my parents. i'd never given anyone as much importance as that i'd given my parents...and i never will. being alone gave me the freedom to carry out my decisions and plans into action. not allowing me to exercise my free will was like intruding in my personal world. a crime i can neither forgive nor forget. in short, i loved being alone...cut off from the rest of the world...
it is perhaps because of this habit of mine that i have so very few close friends. i'm very careful with the people around me. i value trust most in the world...
if anyone breaks my trust he/she loses my faith in him/her forever...i do not disregard the person totally or misbehave or ignore them...i just don't trust them any more. in my eyes breaking some one's trust is the worst crime a human can commit.
but things are changing...ever since i started staying in the hostel my outlook changed. hostel is a completely different world...with so many people from so many different places with so many different cultures coming together to live under one roof...
i've realised that no human can be true to another human...deceit and treachery are the two most common features of the human race.
so if i wanted to cut myself off from people who betray me...i would actually have to renounce the whole world!!
that meant that i would have to survive completely by myself...as a single friendless (no matter how fake human friendship be) soul...hated by all...ignored by all! i tried living the way i used to and failed...i realised that to live in this unfaithful world i would have let go of the life i'd created for myself...i would have to accept the world as it is...i would have to accept the unreal reality around me. i would have to learn to pretend to be like them all... i cannot be lonely... i have to accept company...
with my changing ideas i'm changing too...for better or for worse i do not know...i'm learning to pretend...i'm learning to value company and companionship.
i'm learning to be passive...

surprise...surprise!!

We, my roommate and i, were fast asleep...dreaming peacefully...unaware of Reality knocking on our door... actually Reality had to knock really hard to wake us up...in fact Reality had to literally scream...panic evident in her voice!!!!

my roommate was the first to wake up to Reality...in this case Reality was in the form of a messenger named Sonakshi (our neighbour in the hostel)...she could only manage to say a few broken sentences...but her words acted like magic...within seconds we were both wide awake...tensed with nervous excitement...4th semester results have been finally announced.

after what seemed like hours the net connection started working properly...but the server was sooooo jam packed that pages could not be displayed..."service unavailable"...it said.

finally my roommate saw her result...she'd done well...not as well as she had expected but she was more or less satisfied with her marks! but my luck is like...well.................i still couldnt access my result...i was super scared...!!

And then...finally...sayari called me...she had managed to see my result...i'd scored 8.9 sgpa(out of 10)...................

this was way more than what i'd expected....and what's more shocking is that this was the highest sgpa in my year(my dept)...............this meant that i topped my class....along with A.C....who's also scored 8.9 sgpa (our results are identical)....

this is the first time since school that i'd topped an important exam (in fact university exam)...........yayyyyyy!!!!! i'm kinda feeling great....soooo happy....

mom and dad are elated....i'm sooo very happy...

i've got loads of hard work ahead....i have to try and make myself and my parents happy again...but yeah...no pressure....!!

more or less all my friends have done well...some have got excellent sgpa...looks like hard work does get recognised...am soo happy for all of us....yeeeppppieee...

Thank you God!!

walking in the clouds...

                                       pics taken by me on the himachal trip

clouds have always fascinated me...so have mountains...

my favourite vacations are those that i've spent in hilly or mountainous regions. i prefer to call them the Kingdom of God!

my trip to Darjeeling, when i was 4yrs old...and the trip to himachal pradesh last July...are two trips that are very close to my heart...

of the Darjeeling trip i have very few memories...but the few memories that i have are very precious to me. it was on this very trip that i almost lost my life!!

maa, baba and i had been walking down a narrow rocky road from a shrine atop a mountain...the path was so narrow that three people could barely walk together side by side...on one side was the mountain...and on the other............well....almost nothing......

several feet below there was a tea garden....

the best thing about mountains is clouds...especially the low ones...the ones that float past you or even through you... and i've always...always had a fascination for them! i love walking in clouds....i love to feel the clouds surround me...i love to feel Nature overpower my senses...i love to loose myself in the clouds........

to me its pure bliss...

that day, while coming down that narrow path, i had spotted a wispy white cloud. possessed by the idea of following it, i ran down the slope...hands outstretched...

i could hear my parents asking me to slow down...to stop......but at that moment nothing else mattered...i just wanted the cloud...i wanted to feel it...

running...i finally caught up with it and felt myself being embraced by its softness....i was so happy...i'd never know such joy before...it was heavenly...

Suddenly i heard a scream....it was my mother calling out to me....and right at that moment the cloud dispersed...i realised i was standing on the edge....facing a stationary tourist bus...

i turned around to look...maa was saying something...but i couldnt hear a word....her voice was drowned by the sound of an engine...and the sound of tyres moving on rocky ground... as i stood there transfixed to the spot trying desperately to figure out my mother's gestures and soundless words...a big tourist bus zoomed past me...

it was then that i realised the situation in full...and the realisation shocked me....i had been so close to death...had i moved one step to either side i would have been killed...

i've never been this close to the End before...but this "End" marked a new beginning....it was the beginning of my affair with the clouds....

i still follow clouds....i still love walking in them...i still love to feel that bliss that i've not found anywhere else on the earth.........

i miss you...

i really do...
i wish i could bring back those days...those moments that we spent together...
i wish i could bring back that afternoon when you and i followed a cute white kitten into the garden next door...and we tried to tame it...i'd so wanted that little pussy cat...and you helped me in my quest...little did i know that you were not helping me catch the kitten...you were helping me to learn how to chase my dreams... I havent forgotten that afternoon...i never will...
i wish i could still climb those stairs to the library...i wish i could sit next to the window infront of the arts bookshelf...i wish i could remind myself to be silent lest you get disburbed...and all the while you would sit just behind the bookshelf...pouring over those old hardcover reference books...absorbed in a world inhabited by shakespeare, elliot, keats, shelly and wordsworth...
i wish i could bring you both back...from a land i know not where...
i wish i could hold you in my arms and whisper in your ears those three word i've never told you before...
"i miss you"...

--dedicated to my Grandmother (didin) and one of my dearest teachers...my mentor, Ms Parveen.

i do not wish to name this...

suddenly from nowhere, it came.
it's ferocity blinding my mind.
the tightening shrouds of darkness,
veiling Life from Light.

i can feel an odd sensation,
like coldness flowing underneath my skin.
its a strange numbness,
to bereavement which is akin...

my voice is soundless,
my breath coming is gasps,
my heart beating its final rhythm,
my eyes seeing its last...

i'm drowning in the dark waters...
hands pulling me from within...
i'm struggling against the fetters that bind me...
to prevent myself from giving in...

the rhythm is in the crescendo...
the final notes being played...
there's so much i'm yet to know...
so much i'm leaving unsaid.

the beautiful sunshine...the fresh dew...
the familiar wind...that once blew...
have all left me in this incessant pain...
every ounce of Life from me this Darkness drain...